Guest Blog: How Parents Obstruct A School's Anti-Bullying Intervention
By Brian Gatens
As a veteran educator and administrator for nearly 20 years, I work with parents who have serious concerns about their child’s social interactions in school. Our meetings are understandably fraught with intense emotions and anxiety. To help parents navigate the challenge of addressing a child’s social problem, I’m offering my list of what doesn’t work when it’s time to contact the school. Next week, I’ll blog about how parents can partner effectively with schools.1) Going from Zero to Sixty - At the first sign of an issue, these parents rocket directly to what they perceive to be the highest authority in the building, whether it be the principal, superintendent or board of education. They want a quick and powerful solution to the problem as they see it, and they want decisive action by the highest authority figure they can gain access to. These parents do not give the teacher or counselor an opportunity to address the problem. Their actions imply that they regard lower-level employees as clueless or incompetent, creating unnecessary tension among the adults involved.2) Bottling it Up - These parents watch a series of incidents from the sidelines and do nothing. Instead, they visually and mentally catalog the events and how their child is being mistreated. Eventually a tipping point is reached and they take all their concern and suppressed anxiety and direct it in full force at the school.
Excessive emotion skews the ability of the school to address the real issue because the school has to manage the parent along with the situation.
3) Being Your Child’s “Best Buddy” - These parents advocate for their daughters but send their child mixed messages about their role. For example, when a girl is asked to speak to the school official investigating her claim of bullying, the parent does not act like an adult at the table (listening while the young lady speaks, adding key points when necessary, etc.). Instead, she comes across as a friend of her daughter and displays significant emotion that pairs up with the girl’s emotions. So rather than have an adult and her daughter at the table, you now feel as if you're speaking to two adolescents.4) Becoming Vigilante Moms and Dads - This model of parent always manifests itself outside of the school setting, but it basically boils down to a parent crossing the line between effectively communicating his/her concerns to the parents of the other child and the parent attempting to inflict harm on the other parent and sometimes even her child by taking part in the same behaviors that his/her daughter is being subject to.
The vigilante behavior undermines the school's efforts to teach respectful behavior and productive conflict resolution. It can create confusion for the children involved by demonstrating the very behavior that the school is trying to avoid.
Keep in mind that you'll find a wide variety of opinions by school administrators regarding the effectiveness of parents speaking directly about these matters. Sometimes it's effective and sometimes it's a complete and total trainwreck. These are extreme cases but they do come up from time to time. If you’re not calm enough to have a respectful conversation, it is never a good idea to contact another parent, and best to work through school channels.Coping with a distraught child is never easy. However, when parents work together with school officials, we can direct the focus to the problem needing resolution.Brian Gatens is principal of Harrington Park School in Harrington Park, NJ. An 18-year veteran of both public and private schools, he has worked with grades K - 12 as both a classroom teacher and a school administrator. Most importantly, he is the husband of Kathie and the father of Jimmy, Jack and Meg, a Girls Leadership Institute Alumna.