Ok. So my best friend and I have been best friends for 2 years, and we always have a lot of fun together. But recently, I hooked her up with one of my close guy friends and that was a big mistake. Now she is always with him, texting him and calling him. And before they were together we were inseparable and now they are obsessive and I told her a few times that she spends too much time with him and that friends should always come before boyfriends because if something happens between her and her boyfriend she wont have any friends to lean on.
All my other friends think the same thing that I do but she doesn’t believe me. Whenever I confront her with it she always thinks I’m the only one. And I am really happy for her because she loves him but I miss her and it seems like she has changed. I need advice.
This is a toughie. You thought you were fulfilling your “Being an Awesome Best Friend” quota and it backfired, as you sat helpless watching the flames grow without a fire extinguisher in sight. You know that if, and by if I mean when, they break up, that she will come running for you expecting you to give her your shoulder to cry on and a pint of Chubby Hubby. Because we all know that’s not how it works. And if she was on the other side of this, believe me, she would be far from thrilled.
Here’s the totally sucky thing: the more you tell people to do something, the more they’re going to rebel against it. If you tell her point blank that you think she spends too much time with him, she will just think that you’re jealous instead of bummed.
Could you tell her exactly how you feel? Say something like “Hey, I know you totally love (let’s say his name is Ashton Kutcher. Is everyone over Ashton, cuz I’m totally not) Ashton, and I’m so happy for you guys, but I feel really hurt and alone when you decide to spend your time with Ashton instead of me.” If you speak from the heart without seeming preachy, she will be much more willing to listen. I guarantee it.
Another thing: I would do your best not to gang up on your friend and say something like, “and we all think that way” because she will feel attacked and will just cling more to Mr. Kutcher. Especially because this is just between you and her. Dragging your friends into this will just complicate the sitch and make it more difficult to diffuse.
If you tell her how you feel and that doesn’t work, I know it’s going to be brutal and feel like a stab wound, but give her a taste of her own medicine. Back off a bit. If she asks you to hang out, tell her you can’t. The less you give, the more she will want to.
Finding the balance between boyfriend and best friend is an ongoing and sometimes seemingly impossible battle. And it might not work. My friends and I still struggle with it. When we’re all single, you’re each others’ best friends and boyfriends and everythings, but it can feel like a breakup of its own when someone finds the “boy of their dreams” and then “the one” and then “the perfect guy” (or girl).
But the most important part is affirming your relationship, even if there is a guy involved, and if you don’t feel like your friend is doing so, say something! You got this one, A., just keep your heart real and your scope wide, and you and your friend will figure this one out. If she doesn’t come around, she just might not be the best friend you thought she was.