Dear Rachel,

I admit I’m in a clique but truthfully we are not hurtful to other girls but to girls inside our group. These two girls and myself are usually invited everywhere and we exclude girls from our “get togethers.”

It’s never my idea to exclude these girls but when they talk about it I never stand up for the girls. These two girls get very jealous all the time. When something happens and they aren’t there they get mad.

But when they are somewhere and you aren’t they rub it in your face. It’s a hard situation to explain. It’s like they can have fun but if you have fun they get mad. They talk trash if they are jealous of someone. I know they have talked about me behind my back. Most of the time I have fun with them but when they get mad at me its hell. They get everyone to turn against you. I want to stay friends with them but they aren’t really my friends. Should I just stick it out?

E.

Dear E.,

It takes real courage to admit your mistakes. You’ve got my respect for owning your role in a situation that’s clearly hurting other people. Good for you. I think you understand that by not standing up for someone in the face of injustice, you give your silent support to that injustice.

You have a tough choice to make: choose your values or your relationships. It’s up to you to decide what’s more important. Here’s the thing: you won’t always have these friends. You know something better will come along. But you will always have your values and your choices, and the person you want to be and become.

By refusing to exclude these girls, you have an amazing opportunity to make a statement about your character. That’s a really big deal – for you and the people around you.

If you really don’t expect to be friends with these girls in the long haul, why don’t you walk away on your own terms, holding your head up high, instead of going into your future having to remember your regrets? You have a chance to fix something here and be true to yourself. But it’s not easy. These girls sound insecure and angry. You may need to take cover for a while if you stand up to them.

Listen to your gut. Stand up to these girls. Be respectful but assertive. Don’t hate or insult. Just say clearly why you’re uncomfortable and what you need to change. Give them a chance to hear you.

Your courage will come back to you. People will take notice. If you do this with class – by not trashing these girls but just standing up for your values – you will become attractive as a friend to the kind of people you want in your life. Best friends should bring out your best self, not your worst. You’ve got something great inside. Let it shine. Good luck.

The chart illustrated who hooked up (made out) with each other at the school dance two weeks ago. Among a web of arrows, there are the names of dozens of students. The chart does not even begin to fully document all of the hook ups that occurred that night. Many, many tongue-happy students slipped under the radars of the sophomore documenters and, clearly, of the chaperones. Yet the majority of the school has seen the chart. With this in mind, I sit down to write about hooking up.

I’m not entirely convinced that hooking up with guys, without being in a relationship, is a bad thing. Hooking up can be a positive experience young women should be able to enjoy without fearing judgment. Furthermore, learning how to relate to others is a process and it should be understood that for many of my peers being sexually active is part of this natural process.

But, on the other hand, I see a lot of validity in people’s concern over hook up culture. I agree with Rachel, acting now and asking for a relationship later puts girls in a fundamentally powerless position. As commenter Dr. Elise Rose points out, we cannot forget that promiscuity can be a physically risky behavior and sexually transmitted infections, diseases and unplanned pregnancies do become a reality for many girls. (In all fairness, someone in a committed relationship can be confronted with these issues as well but the risk is not as great.)

When it comes to whether….prolific sexual expression is empowering for young women, I’m on the same fence I sit on during the “can you reclaim derogatory words?” debate (let’s hope it’s not a picket fence. Ouchies). I do find one thing curious though. Doesn’t it strike you as odd that whenever we speak about girls and women being empowered we refer to behavior typically associated with boys and men?

Acting upon every sexual urge is generally attributed to teenage boys (an admittedly unfair assumption). Now that some teenage girls are doing the same, they are considered empowered. I think it is troublesome to apply if-you-can’t-beat-‘em-join-em’ logic to matters of being empowered. The day that boys who do “female” things (like crave relationships) are called empowered we’ll know that hell has frozen over and pigs have flown.

That worries me. We cry foul when boys are told not to throw like girls yet pat each other on the backs when we play like boys in the halls of Congress, in boardrooms, and in high school dances.

So I don’t know whether hooking up is good for girls or not. And truthfully I don’t think anyone can say with much authority if it is empowering or not because, like snowflakes or Rihanna’s outfits, no two girls are the same. What feels empowering for one girl may not be another’s cup of sexy tea. But, while sipping (that cup of tea) or kissing we should contemplate why our prototype of empowered behavior continues to be overwhelmingly male.

Dear Michelle Obama,

You will soon officially launch your “Let’s Move” Campaign to battle childhood obesity.  Calling it an epidemic that threatens both America’s health and economy, you have identified 4 pillars that will be part of your Campaign:

1.    Getting parents more informed about nutrition and exercise
2.    Improving the quality of food in schools
3.    Making healthy foods more affordable and accessible for families
4.    Focusing more on physical education

These are certainly appropriate and laudable strategies.  They may even have some impact in reducing the problem of childhood obesity.  For instance, according to the USDA, over 16 million children lived in food insecure households in 2008. Making healthy food more affordable will make it more possible for these families use their limited food budgets on healthier foods.  Similarly, focusing on more physical education may indeed reduce the extent to which physical education programs are being cut by schools at a time when school budgets are being drastically cut.

But, Mrs. Obama, these 4 pillars are doomed to failure if you do not add an essential 5th pillar to your Campaign, namely:

5. Curbing the power of corporations to market junk food to children

Licensed TV characters like SpongeBob SquarePants are often used to sell products to children. I am sure you know that marketing junk food to children is big business.

A 2008 Federal Trade Commission Report estimated that up to $10 billion was spent annually on advertising food and beverages to children.  A 2007 Kaiser Family Foundation study found that food is the top product advertised to children.  Half of all ads shown during children’s programming are for food.  And 34% of all food ads are for candy.

Is it any surprise that marketing junk food to children has risen dramatically since the Federal Trade Commission lost its power to regulate marketing to children, making the United States unique among industrialized countries in giving free-rein to marketers?

Marketers would not go to all this trouble and expense if they didn’t know what a huge impact their marketing has on children’s consuming and eating habits.  And a 2006 Institute of Medicine review of research found strong evidence that food advertising on television influences children’s food preferences and diets.  The review was especially critical of the practice of using licensed TV characters to promote junk food.

Mrs. Obama, you need to add Pillar 5 to your campaign.  Please do not ignore what we know to be one of the greatest reasons why childhood obesity has increased to epidemic proportions in the past decade—just as the time children spend in front of a screen viewing ads has soared, as has the amount of money spent marketing junk food to them?

Please do not put the whole burden of solving the problem of childhood obesity on parents and schools at the same time that the single biggest factor that would help them do their job and promote the health of children is ignored?

If you really want have an impact on the epidemic of children obesity, it is time to give the Federal Trade Commission back its powers to regulate marketing to children. It is time to put protecting the interests of children and families above the greed of marketers.

Guest blogger Diane Levin is Professor of Education at Wheelock College in Boston and an internationally recognized expert on the impact of media and commercial culture on children. She is the author (with Jean Kilbourne) of So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood and What Parents Can Do To Protect Their Kids.

Dear Rachel,

My best friend and I have been pretty close for about 3 years (that’s how long we’ve been “bffs”). I feel as though she’s always off with another one of our other bffs, she never tells me anything and I feel like she is trying to compete with me for everything like good grades, being a good athlete (which I never was and she knows it, so she rubs it in my face kind of; as in she and the other “bff” will run ahead when doing things in gym and kind of block me out).

She and the other friend also are always laughing about SOMETHING and when I ask, they say nothing with a smile on their faces.

She’s an only child and acts like a big baby about everything such as sharing a small piece of snack. When I or other people are starving she’ll be like *in a baby voice*, “NO! It’s mine!” She also always acts like a baby to get her way, especially with her mom and dad. It can get really annoying.

I know what you’re thinking: confront her. But I’ve done that in another situation where I KNOW she was mad but she just denies it.

CONFUSED, JEALOUS AND FED UP (this letter has been edited)

Dear CJF,

This girl sounds pretty tough to deal with. And frankly, anyone who uses a baby voice should have to leave the hemisphere. Sorry, but it drives me insane. I mean, that alone may disqualify this girl from being your friend. But I digress.

You’re getting treated like garbage. You know it. You don’t deserve it. And you can’t change it. First things first: this does not make you a loser, or pathetic. You’re getting kicked to the curb – dumped. Just like if you were dating someone. It stinks, yeah, but it happens to almost everyone at some point. The question is what you do now.

She’s doing that “threesome” thing where you’re the Odd Girl Out. Being tight with that other girl gives her the ability – the safety – to rag on you.

Surprise: I’m not going to tell you to confront her. I’ll take you at your word. You tried and it didn’t work. Truth is, sometimes talking doesn’t help. So here’s my plan for you:

1. GRADUALLY withdraw from hanging out with her. Just act like you have other stuff to do, even if you don’t. If she asks what’s up, just say you’re busy, stressed, becoming a monk, whatever. But don’t do it all at once or it’ll be obvious, and she might get upset.

2. Expect for her to start paying attention to you. Some people love to be abandoned – gets them really fired up. If she does, DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT. Stay the course on step #1.

3. Make a list of people you’d like to be closer with – people who have the potential to be good friends. Taylor Swift does not count.

4. Expect this girl to trash you behind your back. She’ll feel abandoned. She may accuse you of thinking you’re better than she is or she may try to play the victim. Try not to defend yourself unless confronted because that’ll only fan the flames. Just trust me that the story will die down. It always does and it’s not that interesting to people, anyway.

5. Take a risk - I know it’s scary – and make a plan with one of those people you identified in step 3. It could be working on a class project or hanging out or just sitting down at their lunch table.

6. Repeat step 5.

7. Be prepared to go through a period where you are feeling totally freaked out and alone. That’s normal. Remind yourself that people who get dumped have to go through a tough time before they heal and find someone new. That’s probably gonna be you. I swear it passes. Yes, even for you. There is nothing wrong with you that only you can see. That’s the crazy speaking in your head.

8. Repeat step 5.

9. By the time you hit this step, you’re going to have a new friend with potential. I just know it. Trust me. Good luck and let me know what happens.

Need advice? Send Rachel an email right now!

Curse of the Good Girl: Interview with Rachel Simmons by Amy Jussel

August 29, 2009 “Aw, mom, it sounds boring, why do I have to hear some ‘expert’ talk about stuff I already know…Are any of MY friends going to be there?”

Those were my ten year old daughter’s words back in 2005 when Rachel Simmons author of “Odd Girl Out” spoke to a sold-out crowd giving us insights on girl culture, relational aggression, and coping tips for navigating preteen puberty angst.

Yes, I ‘made her’ go, as Rachel Simmons was in San Mateo hosted by our local hospital and Bay Area Parent magazine (now one of S.Y’s advisory board members) and I’d already seen enough of those ‘Can I sit with you?’ (Stormy Social Seas of the Schoolyard) moments on my weekly lunch shift at the elementary school where I was doing recon for my documentary, Body Blitz: Media, Shaping Youth.

Circumspect media gal that I am, I always take a ‘wait and see’ approach to ‘experts’ and parenting pundits, no matter how many credentialed letters follow their name. (or research chops and Rhodes scholar accolades like Rachel Simmons’ bio) So when we arrived that night we weren’t sure what to expect, our eyeballs scanned the room for ‘frenemies’ and ‘mean girls’ in a tense, silent assessment of the audience…as if to say, “who will show up here, the bullied or the bullies?” The mother-daughter synergy was palpable.

Rachel Simmons grabbed the girls’ attention from the get-go like a ‘BFF’ who’d ‘been there, done that’ so it gave us all an exhale that this was going to be a night of raw and real candor, not a bunch of platitudes. We listened, we learned, we laughed and we squirmed…And I recall the irony of feeling outnumbered by the predominance of “power moms,” my own living evidence that ‘girl culture’ extends far beyond adolescence.

The room was thick with leaders and PTA muckymucks and caring, concerned adults, yet there was a pervasive vibe that was giving me the heebeejeebies that I couldn’t quite tap into…Rachel Simmons’ newest book, “The Curse of the Good Girl” nails it.

Rachel Simmons takes the sharks and minnows sociology of her prior books and deep dives to a new level of the psyche with another decade of research under her belt, describing how girls are taught to accept an artificial and very limited version of selfhood that’s “unerringly polite, nice, modest, selfless;” diminishing girls’ potential, and so narrowly defined it’s unachievable.

That pretty much describes the sense of hollow perfection I was witnessing in the auditorium.

It wasn’t a falseness in the Desperate Housewives meets Gossip Girl superficial type of drama, it was more of a disquieting undercurrent of ‘too many good girls’ under one roof.

As I mentioned in this piece on overachieving SuperGirls, I too am recovering from “The Curse of the Good Girl” where self-esteem gets tied to perfection, squelching the ability to express and manage a full range of feelings.

If you don’t address the tamped down ‘good girl’ stuff early on, you could end up in a midlife mania rebel yell for authenticity and truth that upends anyone in the blast zone…better to gain self-awareness from the get go or find yourself marching on a well worn path to perfection that just keeps getting steeper.

Like that old Gloria Steinem quote, “A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.”

Anyway, as we heal our own scars and try to shepherd children through today’s complex media maelstrom of girl culture fraught with new stresses of instantaneous techno reverb, ‘kids getting older younger,’ and pressures of societal cues, heighten your awareness around the ‘curse of the good girl.’

Here’s Rachel Simmons with media and marketing’s role in it all, and how we can lead our own girls toward a path of being REAL, whole, healthy, human beings, as my silver Shakespeare bracelet I’m wearing says, “to thine own self be true.”

Thanks, Rachel, for helping each of us interpret what ‘true’ means for ourselves…

Amy Jussel: Odd Girl out was published in 2002; tell us what’s shifted in close to a decade of your research trying to break “The Curse of the Good Girl”…

How has the conversation changed, and what role has media played?

Rachel Simmons: So much has changed since Odd Girl Out – for better and for worse.

My book, along with Rosalind Wiseman’s Queen Bees and Wannabes, ignited national conversation and action around girl bullying.

Money poured into academia for research, and schools began taking girls’ aggression seriously. It’s no longer acceptable to write off girls’ behavior as “girls being girls.” That’s big progress.

At the same time, media depictions of the stereotypical “mean girl” have exploded. Whole series are built around it: to wit, see Gossip Girl.

In the last ten years, cruelty has become entertainment; American Idol auditions are thinly veiled bullying scenes that give viewers permission to mercilessly mock and judge others. All this has loosened social restrictions around nastiness, making it just another way to be funny or connect with others. It’s also cut girls down to size on the big and small screens, promoting just a few unhealthy versions of how to be a girl.

Amy Jussel: Has the depiction of ‘good girls’ and ‘bad girls’ via media stereotypes (Gossip Girl, Mean Girls, etc.) ‘seeded’ relational aggression or is media ‘reflecting’ girls reality out there?

Rachel Simmons: I read a study a couple of years ago which found that girls watch ten times more relational aggression on television than they do in real life. So no – what we’re watching doesn’t reflect reality. Whether or not it’s causing relational aggression, I can’t say.

That said, I’ve seen incidents of cyberbullying that mimic Gossip Girl – signing nasty texts with “xoxo” as Gossip Girl does, and one girl who actually tried to become the Gossip Girl of her ninth grade class.|

Amy Jussel: How is ‘the good girl curse’ impacting the dichotomy of young celeb figures like Miley Cyrus who seems to pendulum swing in a shell of a self-image amidst public judgment? Is there a ‘real’ Miley in there trying to find her voice & shout out?

Rachel Simmons: In a recent post on the Daily Beast, Marisa Meltzer (co-author, btw, of a terrific book on Sassy magazine) announced a new trend in Hollywood: Good Girls are in. Gone are the days when the reckless Bad Girl antics of Britney, Nicole and Lindsay were the titillating headlines. Today’s stars are cooing about their love for friends and family, attending ivy league schools, and wearing purity rings.

It’s the Curse of the Good Girl gone Hollywood, and it defines a very narrow identity for girls, no matter what their salary: be unfailingly kind, selfless and flawless. It’s an impossible goal, and it creates an all-or-nothing mentality.

A girl like Miley Cyrus is trying so hard to fit that mold, but the second she does anything that deviates, the alarm sounds. As Miley transitions into adolescence, she is entitled – as every teenager is – to experiment with her sexuality and make stupid mistakes.

The trouble is that she’s becoming a woman in a society that defines girls in extremes. Either you’re Good or Bad. A slut or a prude. There’s not much room for Real in that. Miley’s challenge will be to hold on to herself and find the courage to resist those labels.

Amy Jussel: As founder of the Girls Leadership Institute you talk about giving girls the tools to “make her internal voice louder than the voice of others she worries about judging her” —which is FABULOUS…

How can kids learn to self-regulate that volume? Do you have any specific tips/exercises from GLI? (tell us more about GLI programs and such!)

Rachel Simmons: I would love to tell you more about the Girls Leadership Institute! Thought you’d never ask! It began as a labor of love when I was invited to work at a Sidwell Friends summer program while I was researching Odd Girl Out.

It started with a simple goal: help girls have firmer handshakes (limp noodle handshakes have always bugged me), but it turned into something much more profound.

I began to see that girls could learn to shake hands firmly, but the bigger challenge was overcoming their anxiety about being powerful in the first place. That’s how GLI was born.

Helping girls find and own their authentic voice is no easy task. The reality is that every adolescent will struggle with fears of being judged; isn’t intense self-consciousness, especially the fear that everyone’s watching you, what being a teen is about (and what we all want to forget and never live through again?)? Still and yet, there’s much to be done to help a girl be her true self.

Here are two quick things girls can do:

Be silly. At GLI, we believe being silly is the best way to be yourself. We encourage girls, and their families, to find as many ways to dork out and dance like no one’s watching. Burp the alphabet. Really, go for it – and keep the friends around you who love that part of who you are.

Know your feelings. If you know what’s going on for you – whether it’s feeling peaceful or angry or hurt – you’ll be able to tell people what’s important to you and what you need. You’ll have an anchor to keep you strong in the face of what other people might say or think.

Amy Jussel: I remember seeing this study awhile back “Mean Girls Start in Preschool” which floored me that relational aggression was showing up in 4 & 5 year olds…Can you comment on how this fits in with your findings in either or all of your books? Or does it?

Rachel Simmons: Four and five year olds? Relational aggression shows up in girls as young as TWO, and before they can talk: girls can squeeze their eyes shut and cover their ears, communicating nonverbally that they don’t want to be with you anymore. This finding certainly speaks more to my first book, Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls.

Teachers all over the world are desperate for resources to deal with the behavior at younger and younger ages. I had a blast working with six year olds in South Africa this year.

In some ways, this finding challenges my thesis in Odd Girl Out: that it’s how we socialize girls that influences their aggression. My experience working with South African girls (at The Oprah Winfrey’s Leadership Academy for Girls and other schools) really brought home how biological some of this behavior may be.

Amy Jussel: The ‘j/k’ just kidding’ passive aggressive slam is a biggie for youth in texting, digital media & verbal circles… What’s a solid one-liner retort to spin a healthier message?

How can we help reframe peer culture so girls can ‘trust’ again?

Rachel Simmons: Kids are not just typing “jk” to be passive aggressive. Now, it’s “lol” “hahaha” and smiley face emoticons designed to make you feel confused about whether or not the person actually meant to insult you.

Here’s my suggestion for a retort:

Girl1: Your house is so lame because your parents are always there.
You: Ouch
Girl2: haha totally kidding.
You: k

Or

Girl1: Your house is so lame because your parents are always there.
You: Ouch
Girl2: didn’t mean it that way!!
You: k thanks

I think “ouch” is a good retort online when you want to signal that something wasn’t funny for you. Just like real life, you’ll probably get a reply like, “jk!” or “I didn’t mean it like that!” You can always say “k” or “k thanks.”

It’s not threatening, but it allows you to acknowledge that something uncomfortable happened – even if the other person did a lame job of explaining herself.

You’ll want to tack on a smiley face or “haha” to smooth it over. Try not to; it’ll help you seem more serious.

Amy Jussel: Let’s get to know the REAL Rachel Simmons! Hopefully you can join us again for a ‘part two’ after you take a break from your book tour! (My questions are in italics, Rachel’s responses are in normal typeface)

Rachel Simmons: Finally, some fun ones! Love these!

In my elementary school I was thought of as: a popular girl

In my middle school I was thought of as: a really good athlete

In my high school I was thought of as: the loud one But I was really the loud one

I felt I’d really broken the Curse of the Good Girl when: I overcame my fear and asked for a raise.

My favorite quote for living life out loud is: “Dance like nobody’s watching”

Organizations tackling some of this stuff you should know about are: Girls Leadership Institute, RosalindWiseman.com, Girls Inc, Girl Scouts, GENAustin, Girls Circle, Hardy Girls Healthy Women, Strong Women Strong Girls, to name a few of many!

Who’s on your ‘wanna meet’ ‘bucket list’ of life? Kelly Clarkson, Meryl Streep, Gail Collins, Roz Chast, Diablo Cody, Bernice Johnson Reagon, Adrienne Rich

Amy Jussel: Thanks, Rachel, I look forward to seeing you at Gunn High School in Palo Alto on Sept. 24th…

I’ll bring my daughter AGAIN, as she’s seen me struggle with the disease to please and the ‘curse of the good girl’ far too much in her short teen life, and I want to make sure she’s a cyclebreaker!

And readers…Shaping Youth will be ’swapping content’ with Rosalind Wiseman’s site featuring Rachel Simmons, yours truly, and others interested in “Creating Cultures of Dignity.” I’m honored and delighted to team.

Rachel Simmons’ Curse of the Good Girl Book Tour 2009

Interested in Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence?

Here’s a quick glance to see if Rachel is coming to a city near you.

National Coalition of Girls Schools and Shaping Youth pal Nancy Gruver’s organization New Moon Media serve as national sponsors of Rachel Simmons’ tour events. (update on New Moon’s online girls’ community and safe chat forthcoming on Shaping Youth in September!)

Meet Rachel in bookstores in New York City, Washington, DC, Corte Madera, CA, and Portland, OR. Come to a back-to-school empowerment workshop for girls and adults in Boulder, Denver, Seattle, Palo Alto and Boston. Participants will learn how to help girls:

* Manage interpersonal conflict
* Stay true to herself in friendships
* Deal gracefully with constructive criticism
* Express her thoughts and feelings

September 10
New York, NY
Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Triangle
7:30 pm

September 16
Boulder, CO
Platt Middle School
6:30 pm
Sponsored by the Parent Engagement Network
Download flier here.

September 17
Englewood, CO (Denver metro area)
St. Mary’s Academy
7:00 pm
Host Sponsor: St. Mary’s Academy
Community Partners: Girl Scouts of Colorado and Regis Jesuit High School

September 22
Portland, OR
Powell’s Bookstore
7:30 pm

September 23
Seattle, WA
Town Hall
7:00 pm
Media Sponsor: Parent Map

Co-Sponsors: Billings Middle School, The Bush School, Eastside Preparatory School, Explorer West Middle School, The Evergreen School, Forest Ridge School of the Sacred Heart, Jewish Day School, Lake Washington Girls Middle School, Mercer Island School District, The Northwest School, Seattle Children’s Hospital & Regional Medical Center

September 24
Palo Alto, CA
Gunn High School
7:00 pm
Sponsored by the Girls Leadership Institute

September 25
Corte Madera, CA
Book Passage
7:00 pm

September 29
Boston, MA
Boston Public Library (Raab Lecture Hall)
6:00 pm

Co-Sponsors: Beacon Street Girls, Combined Jewish Philanthropies, Dedham Middle School, Girl Scouts of Eastern Massachusetts, Holliston Youth and Family Services, Massachusetts Conference for Women, Mayyim Hayyim, Moving Traditions, Newton High School South, The Rashi School, Strong Women Strong Girls

October 3
Washington, DC
Politics and Prose
1:00 pm

RachelSimmons

As I mentioned before, I’m a ‘tough sell’ due to limited time crunches on speaker circuit/events, but Rachel is one you will NOT want to miss in person. If you get a chance bring your girls! (aunties, gal pals, BFFs, sisters)

Her warmth and approachable style comes through like a comforting big sister as she explained, entertained, and amused us all with slice of life stories and refreshingly helpful insights on our daughters, and ourselves. A big thumbs up here. (And echoed by our pals at Parents Place, who have a stellar fall ‘09 education series coming up too, as does Kepler’s books in Menlo; check it out! )

When Rachel first asked me whether I wanted to blog, I was hesitant. I was nervous to open myself up, intellectually and emotionally, to a faceless audience.  In middle school, I spoke up on behalf of girls who were forced to listen to boys’ ongoing commentary about their changing female figures. From that experience I unfortunately learned that speaking up and, in particular, asking for respectful treatment of young women, makes you a target for unwanted attention. I could not control the way my peers reacted to me then and I feared that I would feel similarly helpless if I blogged candidly.

But this fear is part of the reason I think blogs can be such a powerful tool for girls. I think blogging is a valuable, and under-utilized, resource for adolescent girls experimenting with having their own opinions and a loud voice.

The Internet gets a bad rap. We talk about cyber-bullying, incriminating photographs, and online predators. In short, we have come to think of teenage girls and the Internet as Snuggies and open flames: no good can come of it. The idea of young women utilizing the Internet leads parents and educators to say this. But the Internet can’t be all that bad; after all, no Internet=no blogs.

Over the course of my fledgling blogging career, I have introduced readers to my family and opened up about the heartache of college admissions. I have received many encouraging, thought-provoking comments and some that were not so nice. Blogging is an exercise in boldly being you, a collection of muscles all girls should stretch and utilize.

In short, blogging has given me a chance to fall in love with writing. Blogs are a safe place to try new things. I can write in ways that are not encouraged in academic papers. I can write haikus and letters to adults. I encourage young women to try writing, not for a teacher, but for themselves.

Blogging is a positive channel for the verbose nature of most teenage girls. In middle and high school, our words so often join a chorus of gossip and hateful speech. Blogging, regardless of the topic or readership, is a chance to reclaim the positive potential of words.

By far my favorite thing about blogging is the community it creates. I became a self-declared feminist in eighth grade, a statement that is not exactly conducive to the creation of a community of like-minded peers. In the cartoon version of my life, the moment I discovered Feministing would have included a group of cartoon bluebirds singing happily around my head, a smiling sun, and a cute little bunny grinning at me.

For those of you who don’t know, Feministing is a fantastic blog and the world’s largest feminist publication. Suddenly, I had a window into the real-live, honest-to-blog, feminist community and it was filled with young women just like me! I am also a fan of Jezebel, a fun, well-written blog about pop culture from a feminist perspective. Finally, I have fallen in love with the fbomb, a website created and run by teenage girls!

These blogs, among many others, are ports in the storm of degrading portrayals of women online. Through blogs, I have found a community of fearless female writers. And because of blogging, I can be an active part of this community.

Lilly is a high school senior and guest blogger for RachelSimmons.com. Read more about her here.

RELATED POST: Rachel’s essay on how blogging empowers girls.

Do you take it personally when someone offers you feedback?  Listen to Rachel talk about accepting criticism gracefully.