1. Thou Shalt Verbalize

It is not enough to simply believe that women deserve treatment equal to that experienced by their male counterparts. It is essential that young women share their beliefs with others. Chances are many of your peers share the same hope of an egalitarian society. If, at a young age, you have the smarts (pronounced smahts) to be prematurely aware of the sexism and injustice around you, you have a unique and amazing opportunity. You can verbalize your awareness and share your observations. It is a privilege, nay an obligation, to start conversations.

2. Thou Shalt Not Waffle

It is hard to be constant in your convictions. Especially when yours is not the popular party line. When I first came to understand the unfairness and hurtfulness of words like “b***h” and “slut” (words that have no male equvilant), I removed them from my vocabulary (and replaced them with classier versions such as “harlot”…..just kidding). I then began gently encouraging my friends to consider the impact of using such poisonous language.

But I was afraid to speak up when others used sexist language. Sometimes I even let myself slip and say something offensive when around less familiar people. I now understand being a feminist is a 24/7 practice. It is a disservice to myself and to others to be inconsistent in my expression of my feminist beliefs. I no longer second-guess myself about speaking up and I therefore no longer feel guilty for not speaking up. Additionally, people who know me no longer receive mixed signals about what I do and do not find appropriate.

3.    Thou Shalt Have A Sense of Humor
I cannot emphasize to you enough the importance of having a sense of humor. People will be much more receptive to what you have to say (see 1 and 2) if you can kill ‘em with kindness…and a bad case of the chuckles. Take a note from the hilarious Sarah Haskins and make your commentary both profound and palatable. Instead of lecturing someone for using “gay” to describe something unlikable, say something along the lines of, “Hmm I didn’t realize the broken pencil sharpener had a sexual orientation.” Okay, so it’s not pee-your-pants funny but it’s more amusing than ‘how dare you!?’ As a future leader and up and coming face of feminism, we must not only know our message but also know how to spread it.

4.    Thou Shalt Educate Yourself
It has never been easier to learn about all of the wonderful aspects of feminism. There are so many  resources available to young feminists online. Want thoughtful analyses of current news? Jessica Valenti and Co. are only a few clicks away. Fbomb is at your service when you find yourself wondering what’s up with other young feminists. Jezebel is the place to go for to see how pop culture and feminism intersect. There are so many facets to feminism and it is possible to really enjoy finding your niche through reading.

5.    Thou Shalt Not Vilify
Though it may feel most logical and most gratifying to unequivocally hate the people and things that contribute to our sexist society, this strategy is often ineffective. Instead of vilifying men and pointing fingers, we must include them in feminism. After all, inequality affects everyone negatively, even those who seemingly have the upper hand.

I believe it is far better to be frustrated than angry. Hating Abercrombie and Fitch for their deplorable shirts is paralyzing and unproductive. Being outrageously frustrated with their statements and organizing a “girlcott?” Now that’s young feminism in action. Not to get all deep on ya, but Martin Luther King Jr. really said it best: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

6.    Thou Shalt Be Brave
In seventh grade, I was at a progressive private school where boys regularly commented on the bodies of their female peers. Teachers viewed this as a “boy thing,” but it was demeaning, and I spoke out against the tolerance of this behavior. My efforts were met with derision and ridicule. Boys who resented having been called out on their conduct bullied me mercilessly. Not only did my teachers turn a blind eye to my mistreatment, they too seemed unwilling to discuss the inappropriate comments. But through persistent dialogue, the administration ultimately agreed to establish single-sex meetings in which girls and boys would be able to talk openly about the situation.

Speaking up wasn’t easy. The bullying got so bad I resorted to being super unoriginal and ate lunch in the bathroom. (Yup, just like in the movies.) But I do not regret what I did. It was my first moment of mini activism.

Standing up for yourself and for other young women will be difficult and unpopular. But it will open up for you a world of female empowerment that, once you enter, you won’t be able to imagine doing without.

7.    Thou Shalt Eat Chocolate Cake
Okay, so this one isn’t exactly related to feminism. I just think it’s important to eat food that makes you smile (show me cake and I’ll show you a smile so big you can see my molars). The fine print of this commandment reads as follows: Thou shalt also shamelessly watch trashy TV, be goofy with friends, stop studying after three hours, cannonball into the pool, buy a Snuggie, give yourself a day off from school and say no to impossible requests just because you can.

8.    Thou Shalt Be Creative
Whether you excel in sports, fashion, cooking, the arts, academics, or magic tricks (juggling anyone?) I guarantee there is a way to use your talents to be a proactive young feminist. Love to write? (My first screen name, embarrassingly, was writer303…my brothers will not let me forget how obnoxious that is for a ten year old) Start a blog! Athletically inclined? Check out groups like Girls on the Run. Good with kids? Friends of mine have volunteered to babysit the children of women living in domestic abuse shelters. I could go on and on but the point is, all those things you’re doing to make your college application crazy cool? You can use them to make your community crazy cool as well.

9.    Thou Shalt Not Waste Time
Why wait to start exploring feminism? We won’t be young forever (or so I’ve heard. I don’t know. It might just be a rumor). And as young women we have an invaluable voice and perspective the feminist world needs. Unlike drinking, driving, or wearing heels, you’re never too young to be a feminist.

10.    Thou Shalt Say it Loud, Say it Proud
I am a feminist. I am a feminist. I am a feminist. These four words may feel like social suicide in middle and high school. But I promise you they are not. The people worth being friends with will appreciate who you are: a constant force of outspoken, humorous, educated, compassionate, happy, creative and youthful… (drumroll please) feminism!

Lilly graduated from high school in June and is a weekly guest blogger for RachelSimmons.com. Read more about her here.

As the Girls Leadership Institute summer camp director, I spent countless hours consoling girls longing for home. I’ve also counseled desperate, angry parents ready to jump in their cars, speed towards camp and commando their kids out.

If your child is away at camp this year, and you get that mournful e-fax, letter or phone call, you have my deepest sympathy. There is nothing more anguishing than knowing your child is alone and suffering. Below is some advice and wisdom I’ve accumulated over the years to help you get through this homesickness season.

Remember That Homesickness Comes and Goes. Homesickness is an illness cured by distraction. Most of the time, kids are sad during brief moments of the day. The most common flare-ups occur during unstructured time, like getting ready for bed, or moments when kids are asked to think about home, like during letter writing time or phone calls.

The majority of homesick kids spend most of their days laughing, playing and being, well, happy campers. That means you end up hearing from them at their worst, and not seeing them at their best (how’s that for a raw deal?).

Check in with yourself. Emotional intelligence experts say that knowing you have a feeling is different from just being in that feeling and acting without thought or reflection. When your child is homesick, there are two areas of emotion to look out for within yourself. First, it’s your job as a parent – indeed, it’s built into your biology – to be emotionally activated by the sound or thought of your child’s distress. And by emotionally activated, I do mean literally wanting to get in your car, drive to camp, strangle the staff and pull your kid. Once you reflect on this important  drive, your self-awareness will prevent you from letting it overwhelm your response.

The second area to reflect on is your own experience with abandonment and parental empathy. Are you sensitive to feeling abandoned, or to others feeling that way? Did you grow up with parents who did not take your emotions seriously? If the answer is yes to any of these, you may be reacting to your child’s homesickness with an intensity that is more about your own past than your child’s experience. That doesn’t mean your emotions are “wrong,” only that they should be understood and acted on in context.

As you well know, you sent your child to camp both to enjoy herself and to give her an opportunity to live independently. If you act rashly and pull her now, you take away her chance to overcome her homesickness and accomplish a huge life challenge. That’s not to say that she might not end up coming home, but the decision should be as thoughtful as possible.

Trust Camp Staff. This one’s very important. If staff tell you that your child is okay except for those tough times mentioned above, believe them. I once had a parent tell me, “You have been with my daughter for 11 days. I have been with her for 13 years. You don’t know her at all.” No, staff can’t compete with a parent’s knowledge of her child, but they do see her laughing and playing most of the day – and parents don’t.

Remember that you trusted the camp enough to take care of your child for a reason.
The staff has no interest in making your child suffer unnecessarily. They are experienced with homesickness, and they know the difference between a kid who can make it and a kid who might not.

The most effective response to homesickness will happen with you and staff working in partnership. Ask what staff are doing to support your child and find out how you can help. For example, the camp may ask you to refrain from offering to bring your child home for at least a few days. Do your best to work together.

Keep Your Eyes on the Prize. Overcoming homesickness and sticking out a tough time is an incredible accomplishment for your child. The knowledge that I did it on my own is developmental gold. This is the raw material of resilience, the ability to manage stress and overcome difficulty, and it is associated with less depression and anxiety, and general life success.

Conversely, having to come home is a loss that your child will not soon forget. Keep in mind that pulling your child from camp is not just about responding to a single moment. The experience of not finishing may inspire a new set of painful emotions in your child: feelings of failure, disappointment and regret.

Don’t Dwell. If you do decide to bring your child home, exercise caution in framing the experience. Focus on the positives and what she accomplished in the days she was there. Remind her of what she enjoyed. Emphasize that she may not have been ready this summer, but maybe she will be next year. Praise her efforts and hard work, even if they did not result in success this time around. If you focus on the failures of the camp, or other kids, it can make it easy for your child to bow out next time, and the time after that.

Dear Blaine,

So I’ve liked this boy for a long time, and he’s finally come around. When we’re together, he makes me really happy, but everything seems to be on his terms. Is there a way to change things without him losing interest? HELP ME BLAINE!
B

Hey B,
Have you ever heard the Leonard Cohen song, Hallelujah? Well okay, if you haven’t, proceed with caution. Because it is brutal. And lovely. And perfect.

I can never get out of my head the part where he sings, “Love is not a victory march,” because I believe that the true core of love is equality and safety. How secure can you possibly feel if you’re constantly running to this guy or he’s running away? Last time I checked, love or like or whatever, any kind of anything, should look nothing like a game of tag.

If you keep letting him drag you around, you’re going to end up with some serious skid marks that are going to be difficult to heal. And if you give the entirety of your heart to him, trying to change him, thinking there’s something you can do to make him respond, your heart is going to take a serious beating as well.

I know I don’t know you, but I do know for a fact that no one deserves that kind of treatment. You should always be enough. And if you, 100% of you, is not, then he’s not enough for you. I promise. No one and nothing is worth losing the one thing that you will always have, and that’s yourself. I know it’s hard right now, but save yourself the long term hurt, and back off. If he comes to you, give him a chance if you feel ready. But know that if something doesn’t feel right or it feels like he’s in control, it’s truly time to step away and give yourself a break.

I would call myself a “recovering brat.” Living in upper middle class suburbia, I became immersed in a culture of “me.” This began to change when I developed a group of friends that were interested in going outside the normal teen activities to make a difference.

The summer after senior year, I finally decided to join some of my friends on their youth trip to the Appalachian Mountains. Over 60 teens crammed into vans and drove through the night to reach our middle of nowhere spot.

Let me back it up a bit! At the orientation for this trip, I found out that most kids would be bathing in a lake because the water smelled like rotten eggs and we couldn’t bring hair dryers! This was already a fate worse than death. I thought my friends were nuts for being so excited about not showering.

I had never seen anything like what I saw on our trip. There was a main drag with a Wal-Mart, Burger King, and all the regular stores from home. Make a small turn off this road and you witnessed extreme poverty. Young girls with multiple children and homes without running water were commonplace.

I was assigned to the outreach team. We traveled through the Appalachian Mountains giving out basic necessities to people in need. We were directed to a certain place that was referred to as “the hole.” This was a muddy field with about 20 trailer homes, most of which had no refrigeration, running water, or a real bathroom. It would be the site of a life defining moment for me. At 18 I had never been concerned for people other than my immediate family or friends. Poverty was staring me straight in the face and there was no turning back.

The children at “the hole” stole our hearts. They were so thankful for a loaf of bread, milk, and some new clothes. We quickly bonded with them and went back each day to visit, often bringing more clothes and food. On our last day, a little girl named Jennifer tugged on my shirt and asked for a dress.

I pulled one out of the bag and she began to cry. “I will get it dirty,” she said. Jennifer had no bathtub or shower in her trailer. At four years old, the simple joy of feeling clean was out of reach. We took her down to a nearby creek and helped wash away some of the dirt on her arms and legs. Embracing her new dress, Jennifer’s eyes were filled with joy as she ran around in her new outfit.

This may seem like a simple silly moment, but it changed my life. I could never again pretend to live in my suburban bubble of selfishness. I truly believe this experience defined the woman I was to become.

You may think to yourself “I could never do that!” Well, this girl who once was addicted to her hair products understands! I strongly urge you to take just a portion of your summer to volunteer. If you are not sure where to start, consider calling retirement homes, programs that serve the poor, or your local community center.  Get some friends to volunteer together and make it fun. You can also find volunteer opportunities near you by visiting the Corporation for National & Community Service.

I am writing this on the eve of a trip I will take with ten of my students to Cincinnati, Ohio. We’ll be volunteering for a week providing services to families in crisis and transition. I am proud of the young women who will be giving up a week of sunning and sleeping late for giving back.

Service builds CHARACTER and COMPASSION. These are two qualities our world is screaming out for. So why not consider digging deep this summer, even if it’s just for a day? The beach will always be there, I promise. If you are volunteering this summer, please share your stories here!

Dear Blaine,

My best friend and I are practically sisters. She knows me better than everyone in the world, and I feel like half the time she knows what I’m going to say before I say it. I am so grateful to have her in my life and for her friendship, but sometimes I can’t keep myself from getting jealous. She’s gorgeous and has guys flocking to her 24/7, she’s automatically great at any sport she tries, she has straight As, her parents give her anything she wants, and on top of that, she’s nice and humble! How do I stop myself from my envy?

Thanks,
T

Hey T,
Okay, so ask any girl about their best friend, and if they are strong enough to admit it like you are, they will most likely say they are jealous, too. There were obviously qualities about your bestie that made you fall in best friend love with her — you displayed many of them in your question — and that makes you destined for a little bit of jealousy.

But do you know what that means? There must be just as many qualities of yours that attracted your best friend to you, or there is no way that your friendship could be as brilliant as you say it is. It’s much easier to point out the greatness of other people than what’s in ourselves, largely because girls somehow find it is easier to put themselves down than to find and acknowledge that we ourselves are special, awesome, and worth it. Which you are. Remember that, okay?

I’m one hundred percent positive that if I went up to your bestie and asked her what she loved about you and why you are best friends, she would not be able to shut her mouth. Friendship is about taking your strengths and matching them with that of another person, and forming something beautiful and unique that could not be created on its own. Dig deep and figure out what you bring to the table. Just because it’s not staring at you in the face like your best friend’s designer jeans or jump shot does not mean it is any less spectacular or precious.

This summer, I am working at an ice cream store in a large city. It’s a very busy store, with tons of customers passing through each day. The store shares storage and freezer space with a popular restaurant in the same building.

Over the course of the day, when I am not cleaning the store or working at the cash register, I spend a fair amount of time working in the back of the restaurant preparing the ice cream, refilling toppings and engaging in other scintillating tasks. (Bear with me, I promise the background information is relevant. Or perhaps I should say “bare” with me…that’s called foreshadowing, folks.)

Anyway, lately it has been absurdly hot where I live and ironically the soft serve machines that keep the ice cream cold make the store just a tad toastier than hell. I have taken to wearing shorts to work with my sneakers and uniform t-shirt. In short, it is a stunning combination.

Yesterday, at the end of my shift, my manager, a young guy with whom I get along very well, said he needed to talk to me. Apparently a customer, thinking the restaurant owns the store, told the restaurant manager I was dressed too provocatively and asked why (and I quote), he “lets his girls run around like that.” And then he got into his time machine and returned to the 50s. No but seriously, whaaaaaaat?

To be fair, because my legs are pretty long they make most shorts look like they were previously owned by Thumbelina. But these were not booty shorts. In fact, they would have passed my middle school’s dress code (with my arms at my sides the shorts passed the tip of my thumbs). My manager was clearly uncomfortable and kept saying he didn’t mind my shorts (uhhh…thanks? I like your legs too?) but didn’t want to cause trouble with the restaurant manager. I apologized and said I would wear longer shorts next time.

I don’t think that it is ever appropriate to ask a stranger to dress differently in order to make you more comfortable. If someone is wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with something truly offensive, I am more sympathetic to the possibility of speaking up. But I subscribe to the school of thought that clothing is a valid form of self-expression. And my bare legs convey no offensive message and express nothing other than the desire to be cool and comfortable.

Yet it seems as though the customer believed my shorts were evidence of my intention to be provocative. Why do you let your girls run around like that, he asked. Girls, really? Someone seems to think the restaurant, beloved for its sandwiches and revered for its bagel and schmear, doubles as a brothel. It was as if he believed my shorts were evidence of my insidious intentions to woo customers. Would you like a scoop of vanilla with that?

Seems as though, when it comes to the way young women dress, there is a constant confusion of intent versus outcome. And we’re never given the benefit of the doubt. A well-endowed friend of mine struggles to find shirts that do not expose her cleavage for fear of being considered slutty or a showoff.

I am constantly questioned by my peers about the length of shorts (yesterday was the first time an adult has ever commented). Another friend was asked by a female teacher to consider what male teachers may think about her clothing choices. Miley Cyrus’ outfit choices, and the nefarious motives behind them, are constantly criticized. When people hear that a young woman was assaulted they often wonder what she was wearing.

So let’s clear this confusion up once and for all. Young women choose clothing based on what makes them feel good. We wear what we do because it matches our mood. The clothes that are supposedly meant to seduce, are worn because we are comfortable in our skin. I won’t have long, lean legs forever.

Girls are urged to celebrate their bodies but when I wear shorts that highlight what I am proud of, I am accused of trying to sneak attack customers with my sexuality. What I experienced yesterday was a classic mistranslation of intent and outcome. I intended to wear shorts because I like the way I look in them and I wanted to stay cool. Yet a conversation about my sexuality was the outcome.

Sometimes I feel as though young women are so often portrayed as needing relationships that people have come to believe that everything we do has some relation to them. Nothing we do can be “just because” or “just for ourselves” because young women are judged by the relationships they maintain and the interactions they have. Teenage girls are expected to always include the needs and wants of others as they form their intentions. The outcome of a teenage girl’s actions should benefit others first and her second.

It is as if young women exist solely to be touchstones for other people. Our actions are not for us. Our actions are for those around us. Regardless of the intention behind them, our actions are the colors others use to paint simplified pictures of who we are. Mean girl, popular girl, slutty girl, geeky girl, sad girl; we come to be defined by one-dimensional summaries of how we supposedly interact with people.

It’s no wonder the customer automatically assumed that my clothing choice involved thinking about how said selection would affect male customers. I’m a teenage girl so that’s what I do. I think about others above myself because at the end of the day what counts is who I’ve made happy. He thought that in deciding to wear shorts I was making a statement of wanting to be an object of sexual attention. He believed that my foremost concern is the comfort of some nutty customer and not myself. But here’s the thing, sir, I like my shorts. I’m keeping them. And as Eve Ensler writes in her monologue “My Short Skirt,” my clothing, “believe it or not, has nothing to do with you.”

Lilly graduated from high school in June and is a weekly guest blogger for RachelSimmons.com. Read more about her here.

There are so many messages my peers and I have received, glaring red flags that bear the message, ‘NEVER BE ALONE.’ I would not be bothered if the argument for why girls should not spend time alone was solely based on the sad truth that solitary women can become easy targets. But it is not the possibility of danger that prevents young women from spending time alone; it is the threat of being judged that compels us to always have company.

Take a moment to consider society’s depictions of women who spend the majority of their time alone. Liz Lemon of 30 Rock lives in fear of choking alone in her apartment. Commercials for antidepressants feature solitary women gazing forlornly out of windows. And then there is the indelible image of the Cat Lady, the woman so pitifully alone she befriends hoards of cats.

It is assumed that women who spend time alone do so only because they have no choice. Between kids, husbands, and girlfriends (a la Sex and the City), no happy, normal woman should find herself unaccompanied.

I first began to reflect upon my complex relationship with solitude at the Girls Leadership Institute summer camp when I was fourteen. Rachel asked each of the girls to spend one day eating lunch in the dining hall alone and spend the time writing in our notebooks. This exercise would not be the first time I would sit at an empty table.

I spent many elementary and middle school lunches alone, peering nervously over the spine of a book. (Yeah, I was that kid.) I have always known that I disliked being alone in public places, especially in situations in which you are expected to be social (helloooo lunch in the school cafeteria). But until it was my turn to sit alone at GLI with my notebook, I never thought about the complex reasons behind my discomfort.

I read and reread what I had written, I talked with Rachel, I dug deep and I finally came to understand why I hate being alone in public. Here, ladies and gentlemen, members of the jury, is what I came up with.

I dislike being alone because I fear that people will assume I have no friends. I do not think I am alone in worrying about being branded friendless.

Many young women measure their worth in relationships. In a world where girls are taught to be nice to everyone, to be impossibly popular, friends are proof of that a girl is valuable, loved, and good. Ever wonder why girls travel to the bathroom in packs? When the only thing you have to assure the world that you are a worthwhile person is the quantity, not quality, of friends you have, you don’t abandon your evidence for a second. And if a girl does find herself alone, she will feign texting just so you know that she does have friends, people she must be in contact with, they’re just not here right now.

For the girls who sit alone, there is a gnawing fear that, without company, strangers will assume the worst. There must be something off with that girl. She must be doing something wrong because being a friendless girl, even if only for a lunch, is not normal. Sometimes the dread of being wrongfully judged by a passerby is so intense I end up spending time with people I have no interest in. Ironically, those are the moments in which I remember the reasons I love being alone.

If I could get over my fear of judgment, I would spend more time in solitude. I genuinely love going for a walk by myself and occasionally I eat without an entourage.

I know that, contrary to what pop culture would like to have you believe, a woman who is alone doesn’t have to be a lonely woman. There is nothing inherently sad about a woman who is without company. Though the people I worry are judging my empty table couldn’t possibly understand this, I know that sometimes being alone is a choice, not a state imposed against one’s will by their general loser…ness.

Sometimes it is important to choose to be alone because the beauty of a moment all to oneself is one young women rarely get to enjoy. I know I must embrace the reasons I love spending time alone, and stop fearing judgment. And I urge all of you to forgo the friends for an afternoon and venture out on your own for an afternoon. These are the little victories we must experience in order to call ourselves truly independent. These are the steps we must urge ourselves to take as we sit at an empty table, not worrying about what others may be thinking.

Hey girls! This week we’ve got a question from Tina, the concerned mom of an 8 year-old:

Blaine- My 8 year old daughter has a friend who is bossy. She has tried to tell her friend to stop to no avail, tried ignoring her (then her friend was telling everyone my daughter was mean) and even told her camp counselors about the issue. I am trying to listen and be empathic but I don’t know what my daughter can say to this friend to have the friend back off and give my daughter some room to express what she wants and needs. Any ideas?

Hi Tina,

Eight year-olds are tricky because at that age, girls are learning how to make real and lasting friendships, and I can only imagine how frustrating it is when another girl’s bossy behavior thwarts your daughter from getting the opportunity to grow in these arenas. It is so great that your daughter stood up for herself, because many girls are too afraid of the repercussions if they do try to take on the bullying friend.

It sounds like your daughter is getting nothing but hurtful actions from this girl. One idea is to ask her to tell you the specific behaviors of the bullying friend, so both you and she can get a clear idea of what this girl is doing that is so inappropriate. That way she can define what bad friendship means to her, and also, she can use that to tell the bully that she is hurt when she, for example, isn’t allowed to swing next her or when she spreads rumors about her.

Have your daughter practice telling the bossy friend how she feels with you first, so she can figure out exactly what she wants to say and how she wants to say it. The friend will most likely not respond well to this, and it will be painful, but your daughter has the opportunity to express why she is hurt and what she needs.

I also suggest encouraging your daughter to branch out to some of the girls less affected by the bossy friend’s behavior. Beyond that, it may be a good idea to inform the other adults in the situation that your daughter is making an attempt to break away from this friend and is looking for others to look for new friends, and ask that they support both you and your daughter as she does so.

Good luck, Tina! It must be unbelievably painful to endure this with your daughter as she hurts, but hopefully it can be a learning experience for everyone involved.

A few weeks before I graduated high school, my school organized a day for seniors called “Life Skillz Day.” We were shuttled from one workshop to another where we learned how to watch football, how to sew a button, how not to be awkward. (How awesome is my school?) Some workshops were more serious. One covered sex ed basics and finally we watched a movie about drinking on college campuses.

The movie included helpful hints for young women. One such tip warned girls to never put their drink down at a party for fear of someone slipping a “date rape” drug into the cup. We were also advised to not wear revealing clothes to parties lest we attract the wrong kind of attention. Finally, we learned to always use a buddy system and have a female friend check in with you throughout the night. In the discussion following the movie, my peers and teachers reiterated these ideas. The suggestions, while helpful I suppose, gave me chills.

We were speaking about ways young women can try to avoid being attacked and violated. Yet no one blinked an eye. It is an unforgettable day when girls accept that, when they go to college, they must learn to be constantly aware of the fact that, come Saturday night, the boy sitting next to you in class might become a monster.

It truly saddened me to see my community so matter of factly speak of the ways in which female graduates could find themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. The tips and tricks did little to empower, rather they confirmed that our society has resigned itself to hosting an insidious culture of violence against women.

Instead of being ushered into a world in which I don’t have to fear being drugged at a party, I am told to arm myself with knowledge of how to surreptitiously cover my drink. That day, it became clear to me that for most it is less painful to admit that one’s female friend and student may be a victim of violence than think that a male friend and student may be the cause or passive witness of such violence. As I looked around the room at my peers and teachers, I wondered, why are we only talking about girls and what they can do to prevent violence? Shouldn’t we be discussing how guys, who have the privilege of not being potential victims, can help?

But in thinking about violence against women, men seem to be conveniently forgotten. In the tragic scenario of violence against women that is read on newscaster’s prompters and relayed in hushed tones, there is one player: the female victim. What she was doing, what she wearing, how much she had drank, there is a disproportionate (and often critical) focus on the victims of violence.

Men never seem to be factored into the equation. It is too scary to talk about the nameless, faceless perpetrators because humanizing that force of violence leads to realizing that the violent man was once a boy sitting in a classroom. And it is too painful to consider that perhaps that boy once sat in a class listening to his female peers being taught to fear. Perhaps they heard the statistics (one out of four women will be sexually assaulted on a college campus). Who is assaulting that one woman and what causes him to act in such a violent manner?

It is time communities started asking these hard questions and stopped accepting violence against women as a fact of life. It is foolish to pretend that it is impossible a student may become a violent young man while resigning one’s self to the likelihood that a female student may become a victim.

Never mind the size or severity of the problem, no issue has ever be remedied while stubbornly ignoring the cause of the problem. With each one-sided, incomplete conversation that only addresses the role of women in violence, my peers are taught to surrender to the inevitability of violence. Inadequate efforts to raise awareness about this issue only contribute to a failing paradigm of preparation (cover your cup) instead of prevention.

Finally, by omitting the role of men from discussions about violence against women, young men are given permission to be complacent bystanders. The message sent to my male peers during the workshop was that violence is between women and shadowy figures. It is a profound privilege to live without fear of being attacked or violated, a privilege more than half of the world lives without. Yet men are rarely expected to use their privilege to help others. If only more young men were taught as my brothers were that it is their responsibility to be good to women and to ensure that their peers follow suit.Where are all the good men at these parties?  Again and again, young men seem to become silent bystanders when they are needed most. It is a dangerous and seldom recognized pattern.

Until we become as comfortable thinking about male complacency as we are contemplating female victimhood, violence against women will remain a “women’s issue.” Ask young men to talk about the pressures they face to be unfailingly macho, constantly sexual and perpetually aggressive. Ask young men to reflect upon the moments they witnessed sexism. Ask young men to explore the ways in which they can be active allies and supportive members of the movement to stop violence. Suddenly, violence against women is a human issue. Suddenly, we’re getting somewhere.

Losing a school election can be a serious blow to the ego. If you have been there and done that, listen up! It is dangerous thinking to assume that this reflects on your leadership capability. Maybe holding “political” office wasn’t for me, but nonetheless, I now lead hundreds of teenagers in various capacities, and I have coordinated special events of all scopes and sizes.

In high school it is tempting to think that elected office is the only way to lead. It’s tempting to think true leadership is about power or “being in charge.” Not so: authentic leadership is about the qualities you exude in the moments of defeat or struggle.  Recently, a student of mine lost an election. Nicole fell short of capturing the title of student council president, but she has still stayed in touch with her authentic leadership skills. She shares her take on how to be an authentic leader below.

DEVELOP A FIERCE COMMITMENT
“Regardless of a win or loss, the level of commitment that I want to have in my school is not diminished. I have taken leadership roles in the coordinating of school events, the school newspaper, student council, CARE Service Club, National Art Honor Society, National Honor Society, and the volleyball team. The positions that I really wanted to take part in and lead have been delegated to me by the others. Even though I don’t have the title, I am still going to use my abilities.”

BE RESILIENT AND SELF-MOTIVATED
“Being an authentic leader has nothing to do with a title. Someone else being president gives me more motivation to work hard and use my gifts and talents. Sure it was a temporary setback – of course I cried, but three days later I jumped back in.”

SERVE OTHERS WITH HUMILITY
“Just because you didn’t get the majority vote, still express your leadership. This is not just being in charge of other people but being able to handle situations and help other people in their roles. Find ways to assist in any way you can. A true leader is willing to help the winner even in the wake of a loss.”

Now more than ever, our world needs authentic and effective female leaders. Though much has changed since the women’s movement, we still need to work hard to break through and influence our world, our businesses, and our society. It is crucial that those of you who may not be the president or VP of your class or favorite club to stay the course!

In a 2008 nationwide Pew Research Center Social and Demographic Trends survey, women take the lead in possessing leadership traits like honesty and intelligence over their male counterparts. Yet the study goes on to reveal the low numbers of women who hold positions like CEO or elected or appointed positions.

What does all this mean? THE WORLD NEEDS YOU and YOUR leadership. If you lost a school election in the recent past, I invite you to post here about how you are going to turn that defeat around and make a difference!

Stephanie is a service and leadership coordinator at an all-girls high school. She is also an experienced life coach for teens and adults. She can be reached at
stephanie [at] stephanieLicata [dot] com