Kay, here we go.

Don’t expect your friends to be perfect. Because, well, they won’t be. If you hold your friends to impossible expectations, not only will they for sure disappoint you, but it will feel way harsher when they do. Batters get three strikes. Your friends need some, too. Be forgiving. That doesn’t mean being a doormat. Just give people a little room to screw up. It’s classy. Trust me.

Don’t make assumptions about how your friends feel. If someone seems weird or cold or otherwise unusual, just ask what’s up. Don’t decide they hate you or are ignoring you unless you’re 100% for sure that’s what’s going on. You will spare yourself a whole bucket of drama by just asking, “Are you okay?” or “Are we cool? You seem a little distant.”

Apologize when you really mean it. Otherwise, bite your tongue. If you constantly apologize to people, even when you’re not at fault, be careful. You can easily send the message that you’ll take the heat for other people. If you never apologize, you’re sending the message that you think you’re better than others and don’t take your friendships seriously. How do you know when a real apology is called for? Do you regret what you did? Did your actions hurt someone? Yeah, then now would be a good time.

Remember what you’re grateful for. This one helps me a lot. If you’re having a really bad day, just stop and think of one thing in your life you’re lucky to have. Maybe it’s your parents, maybe it’s your dog, maybe it’s your incredible talent for ice fishing…whatever it is, just stop and go, “I am lucky to have it. Life is not totally a mess.”

Smile. Okay, I admit it, this one’s slightly out there. But I read it in this cool book and I tried it and it worked. Just smile and you feel better. Plus, people prefer this face of yours to that one you sometimes show that looks like this.

Take a risk. No, not that kind. Or this kind. I mean, take a chance and put yourself out there. Raise your hand when you’re not sure of the answer. Make eye contact with that cutie you’ve had your eye on. Ask a person you think is cool to be a partner on a project. Sit – gasp – at a new lunch table (okay, okay, calm down. I won’t make you do that). But seriously, no guts, no glory, girlfriend. You do the same thing over and over again, you’ll get the same thing. When school starts, the window for change opens. Now’s the time to try something different before everyone gets all crusty and set in their ways.

Take care of YOU. I don’t care how much work you have tonight. If you need to watch Glee, do it. You deserve an hour to yourself! When I was in high school, I was obsessed with this show called Thirtysomething. It was on Tuesday nights at 10. I could seriously have the biggest test of my life the next day, bombs could be falling outside, and I was on the couch watching it. Who cares about DVR and Hulu? If it’s going to give you some peace right now, go for it. And bee tee dubs, try not to waste all your downtime online. It’s just not nearly as satisfying.

Dance. Dance. Did I say dance? Turn it up and just let it go. It’s the best stress release ever. My personal favorites to go nuts to: Walking on Sunshine, Say Hey (I Love You) and a whole slew of stuff by Janet Jackson. (Yeah, I’m old. So?) If you don’t like to dance, move your body in some way. Run, walk, stretch, skate, cartwheel. You get my drift. No matter how bummed I am, getting my heart rate up always makes me feel better.

Bottom line is this: Take care of you and your girls (and guys, and also the animals), be true to yourself and know when it’s time to take a nap. Remember: the rest is still Unwritten. Happy back to school!

Lately my best friend has been ignoring me and hanging out with other girls. I’ve tried talking to her about and she says that she understands and that she’ll hang with me more often, but she never does. We used to eat lunch together every day and now I barely ever see her at all. I really don’t want to lose her friendship. I’ve made friends with the other artsy girl in my class and we’re really close. She used to be friends with my BFF too. I asked her about it and she said she stopped hanging out with my BFF because “She started acting weird. She stopped being herself.” I agree. We’ve both noticed her hanging around the new girl, who can be pretty mean sometimes. I’ve noticed that she’s pretty mean herself now.

What can I do? I want to be friends with her, but I want her to be herself. And I want to be friends with the new girl, but I don’t want to feel like I have to be mean to survive. My BFF, the new girl, the other artsy girl, and I are all pretty popular, so it feels like everyone is watching us to see what we do. I want to patch it all up without the other students gossiping. What should I do?

G

Hi G,

It appears to me that you’ve seriously thought about this and weighed it from a number of different perspectives. And they are all correct. But, after reading your question, here’s my answer:

I think you have a bit more wisdom and insight than you believe you do. You understand that your friend has changed. She’s obviously unsure of herself and as you’ve also pointed out, most likely is changing to meet the requirements of this new girl.

The artsy girl seems like a rockstar who is there for you during time that isn’t all rainbows and butterflies and perfect harmony. She is showing you what a real friend looks like. And since she’s so cool and understanding, I bet she knows many other people equally as down-to-earth and awesome for you to connect with.

I know it can feel like a break-up, but is it worth groveling and sacrificing yourself to reconnect with your BFF while you’ve got other people surrounding you with support?

It seems like you know you would not be comfortable with changing who you are to fit in. If you choose to give up this friend, stick to it. I know it’s going to, quite frankly, suck to wave “au revoir” to a best friend, and just because you choose not to conform as she did, does not mean that she is out of your life forever. She may come to her senses. She might not.

By choosing to walk away from a toxic relationship, you gain control and place the ball in her court. It is an empowering place to be.

And then there’s popularity piece of the puzzle. Which is shaky, and ever changing. And threatening. But every decision you make cannot be made for the sake of other people, or you are never going to be able to figure out what you want. When you stop making decisions for the happiness or appeasement of others is when you seriously give yourself the arena to find your own fulfillment. The easiest way to do this is to exist among the people who build you up, not the ones who speculate and obsess and gossip behind your back.

Good luck, G! Stick to your guns. You’ve got this one, I’m sure of it.

xo
B

Dear Blaine,

My best friend and I are practically sisters. She knows me better than everyone in the world, and I feel like half the time she knows what I’m going to say before I say it. I am so grateful to have her in my life and for her friendship, but sometimes I can’t keep myself from getting jealous. She’s gorgeous and has guys flocking to her 24/7, she’s automatically great at any sport she tries, she has straight As, her parents give her anything she wants, and on top of that, she’s nice and humble! How do I stop myself from my envy?

Thanks,
T

Hey T,
Okay, so ask any girl about their best friend, and if they are strong enough to admit it like you are, they will most likely say they are jealous, too. There were obviously qualities about your bestie that made you fall in best friend love with her — you displayed many of them in your question — and that makes you destined for a little bit of jealousy.

But do you know what that means? There must be just as many qualities of yours that attracted your best friend to you, or there is no way that your friendship could be as brilliant as you say it is. It’s much easier to point out the greatness of other people than what’s in ourselves, largely because girls somehow find it is easier to put themselves down than to find and acknowledge that we ourselves are special, awesome, and worth it. Which you are. Remember that, okay?

I’m one hundred percent positive that if I went up to your bestie and asked her what she loved about you and why you are best friends, she would not be able to shut her mouth. Friendship is about taking your strengths and matching them with that of another person, and forming something beautiful and unique that could not be created on its own. Dig deep and figure out what you bring to the table. Just because it’s not staring at you in the face like your best friend’s designer jeans or jump shot does not mean it is any less spectacular or precious.

Dear Rachel…

There’s so many things I could say about them. I love them both, I’ve been best friends with one of them since I was three, and the other one is her cousin who moved here a few years ago. I love them both to DEATH, but they’re INSANE.

1. They’re jealous if I’m with one of them instead of the other, or especially if I’m with someone else outside the group.

2. They put me down all the time.

3. The one cusses me out when I’m not the perfect friend, and the other is very good at making me sound like a culprit to her parents, who intervene ALL. THE. FREAKING TIME.

4. I’m accused of being their “mom” but then they freak out when I don’t fix all their problems for them.

A bunch of stuff happens ALL the TIME. What do I do??

Not wanting to put up with crap OR losing my best friends,

A Friend On the Verge of Insanity

Dear Friend on the Verge of Insanity,

Help me out here. You put the words “obnoxious” and “rude” in the same sentence as “best friends?” Ah, forget it. I can’t pretend. I wish I could say this was unusual with girls, but it’s not.

If you ask little kids to draw you a picture of a bully, they sketch a picture of a tough boy who kicks your butt and takes your lunch money. You know, a bruiser, the kind of guy who’s been in fifth grade for five or six years, lurks in the playground…you know the drill.

That may be a bully for some people, but not for girls. Most of the time, the people that bully a girl will be her close or even best friends. They won’t do it physically. It’ll be subtle, through put-downs and hot-and-cold moods.

Too many of us put up with it, precisely because “they’re my friends.” But just because someone is your friend doesn’t mean she might not also be your bully. Friendship is not some all-holy state that gives people license to throw jealous fits, cuss you out, put you down, and freak out when you don’t fix all their problems (and that is what you describe above).

Every friendship has its ups and downs, no doubt. But if your downs far outnumber your ups, and if your downs come weekly or even daily, you may have a bully masquerading as a friend – kind of like that wolf in sheep’s clothing in Little Red Riding Hood.

Except your life is no fairy tale. You’re going to have to make your own happy ending. Here’s what I’m thinking: lay low for a week. Keep a journal of all the stuff that happens with your friends that bothers you. Write down what happened, when, where, who was there, all those details. You may even want to write a few sentences about how you felt in the moment (use emotion words if you can – they’re way more telling about what’s going on for you than words like “bad” or “like crap”).

After the week is up, read over your list. Then ask yourself this: if you had a best friend who showed you this journal, what advice would you give her? Would you tell her she was in a toxic friendship and to get out, or stick with it?

If you do decide to stick with it, I urge you to sit down with each friend on her own – not together, because they’re related and they’re clearly tight, which means that if you talk to them together, they’ll likely be invested in protecting each other and not listening clearly to you – and run through your list. Say something like, “This doesn’t feel like a healthy friendship. I need this stuff to change.” It’s up to you to suggest some alternatives, such as, “When you’re jealous about me hanging out with her, I need you to just tell me instead of [whatever you're doing].”

I’m not feeling optimistic based on your email, but I support you in trying to fix this. The only way to do that, though, is to talk to both of them and make some clear statements about what’s not working and what you need to change.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Hey Rachel,
So I am moving…..out of town….out of state, so to a new school. I don’t know what to do because I have NEVER been the new girl, ever. It’s all going to be new and I don’t know what to expect or anything.  Any advice?
-Kourtney 16

Hey Kourtney,

Being the New Girl is always tough. You have no idea what you’re walking into, and it can feel super lonely at the beginning. The anticipation alone is enough to give most of us ulcers.

Here are my tips for being the new girl:

1. 1. Meet some people online before you start. DO NOT get personal with them right off the bat. I am really serious about this: Even if you feel like you’ve met your BFFFFFFFFFFFFFF, set boundaries. No big secret revelations…yet. There will be plenty of time for the big love-in when you see each other.
   2. Make a list of some ways you can meet people. Do it before school starts. That might include sitting down at a crowded lunch table, speaking to someone you don’t know in class or the hall, or joining a particular team or club. Get out of your comfort zone as much as you can and take a few risks. That’s where the payoff lives: in those leaps of faith.
   3. Commit to trying one thing from your list every day. Stick with it and don’t punish yourself if you miss a day here and there. Some days, you may just need to be a hermit.
   4. Do not come on too strong. Don’t dominate conversations in a group, or call or text someone too much. Play it cool. Don’t look desperate.
   5. Proceed with caution. When you’re the new girl, you’re vulnerable. You might even feel a little desperate to make a friend. Do not let your vulnerability cause you to throw yourself at any new friendships. That means not telling someone every last secret about yourself in the first week you know him or her.
   6. Wait before you date. Or hook up. Or whatever is you’re going to do romantically. Get a sense of the landscape. Start flirting with some random guy who happens to be the lust object of some nasty female at your school, and congratulations, you’ve just won a membership to hell.
   7. Find stuff you can do on your own that makes you happy. You might be spending some quality time with that famous trio, “me, myself and I,” in the beginning. No shame in that game. Scheme up some fabulous activities for yourself, whether it’s getting a pedicure, reading a favorite book or getting into a new TV series.

One more thing. Don’t forget that when you’re the new girl, all the “old” girls (and guys) – meaning the ones who have been languishing at your new school for ages – are excited for fresh blood. Some of them are just curious, but others are hopeful that you might be a new friend. That’s not to say girls aren’t occasionally evil to newcomers, but hopefully my advice will get you around that.

Before you know it, you’re going to be surrounded by new friends. Just do it with caution and class, and you will rock it. Let me know how it goes!!

Dear Rachel,

I admit I’m in a clique but truthfully we are not hurtful to other girls but to girls inside our group. These two girls and myself are usually invited everywhere and we exclude girls from our “get togethers.”

It’s never my idea to exclude these girls but when they talk about it I never stand up for the girls. These two girls get very jealous all the time. When something happens and they aren’t there they get mad.

But when they are somewhere and you aren’t they rub it in your face. It’s a hard situation to explain. It’s like they can have fun but if you have fun they get mad. They talk trash if they are jealous of someone. I know they have talked about me behind my back. Most of the time I have fun with them but when they get mad at me its hell. They get everyone to turn against you. I want to stay friends with them but they aren’t really my friends. Should I just stick it out?

E.

Dear E.,

It takes real courage to admit your mistakes. You’ve got my respect for owning your role in a situation that’s clearly hurting other people. Good for you. I think you understand that by not standing up for someone in the face of injustice, you give your silent support to that injustice.

You have a tough choice to make: choose your values or your relationships. It’s up to you to decide what’s more important. Here’s the thing: you won’t always have these friends. You know something better will come along. But you will always have your values and your choices, and the person you want to be and become.

By refusing to exclude these girls, you have an amazing opportunity to make a statement about your character. That’s a really big deal – for you and the people around you.

If you really don’t expect to be friends with these girls in the long haul, why don’t you walk away on your own terms, holding your head up high, instead of going into your future having to remember your regrets? You have a chance to fix something here and be true to yourself. But it’s not easy. These girls sound insecure and angry. You may need to take cover for a while if you stand up to them.

Listen to your gut. Stand up to these girls. Be respectful but assertive. Don’t hate or insult. Just say clearly why you’re uncomfortable and what you need to change. Give them a chance to hear you.

Your courage will come back to you. People will take notice. If you do this with class – by not trashing these girls but just standing up for your values – you will become attractive as a friend to the kind of people you want in your life. Best friends should bring out your best self, not your worst. You’ve got something great inside. Let it shine. Good luck.

Dear Rachel,

My best friend and I have been pretty close for about 3 years (that’s how long we’ve been “bffs”). I feel as though she’s always off with another one of our other bffs, she never tells me anything and I feel like she is trying to compete with me for everything like good grades, being a good athlete (which I never was and she knows it, so she rubs it in my face kind of; as in she and the other “bff” will run ahead when doing things in gym and kind of block me out).

She and the other friend also are always laughing about SOMETHING and when I ask, they say nothing with a smile on their faces.

She’s an only child and acts like a big baby about everything such as sharing a small piece of snack. When I or other people are starving she’ll be like *in a baby voice*, “NO! It’s mine!” She also always acts like a baby to get her way, especially with her mom and dad. It can get really annoying.

I know what you’re thinking: confront her. But I’ve done that in another situation where I KNOW she was mad but she just denies it.

CONFUSED, JEALOUS AND FED UP (this letter has been edited)

Dear CJF,

This girl sounds pretty tough to deal with. And frankly, anyone who uses a baby voice should have to leave the hemisphere. Sorry, but it drives me insane. I mean, that alone may disqualify this girl from being your friend. But I digress.

You’re getting treated like garbage. You know it. You don’t deserve it. And you can’t change it. First things first: this does not make you a loser, or pathetic. You’re getting kicked to the curb – dumped. Just like if you were dating someone. It stinks, yeah, but it happens to almost everyone at some point. The question is what you do now.

She’s doing that “threesome” thing where you’re the Odd Girl Out. Being tight with that other girl gives her the ability – the safety – to rag on you.

Surprise: I’m not going to tell you to confront her. I’ll take you at your word. You tried and it didn’t work. Truth is, sometimes talking doesn’t help. So here’s my plan for you:

1. GRADUALLY withdraw from hanging out with her. Just act like you have other stuff to do, even if you don’t. If she asks what’s up, just say you’re busy, stressed, becoming a monk, whatever. But don’t do it all at once or it’ll be obvious, and she might get upset.

2. Expect for her to start paying attention to you. Some people love to be abandoned – gets them really fired up. If she does, DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT. Stay the course on step #1.

3. Make a list of people you’d like to be closer with – people who have the potential to be good friends. Taylor Swift does not count.

4. Expect this girl to trash you behind your back. She’ll feel abandoned. She may accuse you of thinking you’re better than she is or she may try to play the victim. Try not to defend yourself unless confronted because that’ll only fan the flames. Just trust me that the story will die down. It always does and it’s not that interesting to people, anyway.

5. Take a risk - I know it’s scary – and make a plan with one of those people you identified in step 3. It could be working on a class project or hanging out or just sitting down at their lunch table.

6. Repeat step 5.

7. Be prepared to go through a period where you are feeling totally freaked out and alone. That’s normal. Remind yourself that people who get dumped have to go through a tough time before they heal and find someone new. That’s probably gonna be you. I swear it passes. Yes, even for you. There is nothing wrong with you that only you can see. That’s the crazy speaking in your head.

8. Repeat step 5.

9. By the time you hit this step, you’re going to have a new friend with potential. I just know it. Trust me. Good luck and let me know what happens.

Need advice? Send Rachel an email right now!

I must have been about 12 when my dad got me a book of Haiku. Haiku is a kind of Japanese poetry composed of three lines with five, seven and then five syllables. I went through a phase where I furiously scribbled Haiku, hoping to convey the complications of being an adolescent girl in such a simple form.

Six years later, I’m still trying to make sense of what it means to be a teenage girl. Here’s to giving Haiku another chance:

Tight jeans hold me in
In sweatpants, I exhale out
Wardrobe tug of war

Next time, I will
I’ll say something to the boy
With all the rape jokes

No really! I swear
You actually are a feminist
Just don’t know it yet

Finally, I can blog
About being “in like” with a guy
How awesome is that!?

I’m sad, Heidi M.
That at only twenty three
You felt so ugly

Lol, JK
No offense! It’s just a joke
Middle school: awful

Magazines are a
Girl’s ultimate frenemy
So much love slash hate

Too sexy, too young
Too grown up, too immature
Miley can’t do right

Last but not least, a haiku from my fifth grade journal. It’s embarrassingly precocious and self-important. Sigh, the things I do for you!

Drop of emotions
Just a drop, so much meaning
Tear of a human

Please post your Haiku about being a girl/woman in the comments!

Hi Rachel,

There’s this girl that I’ve been friends with for several years and I’ve always considered her as my best friend. Lately, though, she hasn’t really been acting like a friend. She has been putting me down a lot with little teasing remarks. I mean they aren’t that major just small things, but I’m a very sensitive person and they really hurt.

I don’t say anything because I don’t want her to think that I’m overly sensitive, emotional, or weak, so I just kind of shrug them off and try to forgive and forget, which for me is nearly impossible.

And not only that, but she also has started to only invite me to hang out or do things last minute after she has invited everyone else. I know this because she would talk about the plans with our other friends in front of me when I haven’t been invited yet. After she invites me and I say I can go she says they need a ride and asks if my parents can give it. If my parents are available and agree to take us we all go and have a pretty good time, but if they can’t she just cancels the whole thing.

This has happened at least 5 times in a row recently. So I have a feeling she never really wanted me to go in the first place, she just knew my parents would probably take us. I’m so confused and don’t understand why she is doing this we used to be so close and i’m pretty sure I didn’t do anything to make her mad. At least not intentionally or that I know of. Please help me get my old best friend back!

Sincerely,

Confused and Hurt

Hey C&H,

It’s so tough when one person starts to drift in a relationship — friendship or otherwise –and the other person is still totally into it. But before we go there, let’s talk about your belief that sharing your feelings makes you weak, sensitive or emotional. I’m afraid that’s just incorrect.

Mature relationships are about two people balancing their individual, unique needs and values. It’s two people — two different people — so it’s impossible NOT to have differences. That’s not just normal, it’s often what makes a relationship stronger and more interesting. Honesty is oxygen for healthy relationships.

So there is nothing wrong with saying what you need. How you say it is another matter. Let’s talk about that.

I think you should go to your friend and just name what’s changed in your relationship. Just be straight up and not attacking about it. I’d probably start off by saying, “It seems like things are different between us, and I feel worried about it. What do you think?” Questions are always a great way to initiate tough conversations without attacking.

Be prepared for her to deny it. You’ll probably need to get into the nitty gritty. Make sure you have examples of the little “teasing remarks” you mentioned — be prepared to say what they were and when they happened.

As for canceling plans when your parents can’t drive carpool – well, that’s a little dicey in the Grievances Department. You’re making an assumption about why she cancels the plan, and if you go there with her, my guess is that she’ll deny it. Stick to what’s clear and indisputable when you talk to her.

If you can speak respectfully and clearly, and you still don’t get a change in behavior, then listen closely to what she’s telling you. She may be moving on to another friendship. Don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t value you for who you are.

And don’t let the gremlin in your head tell you this is the most you deserve. There is a friend out there for everyone. Go find your next one. Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

This popular girl that is in a few of my classes will Facebook chat me every night, and we talk and avoid our homework together. I think that we’re getting closer, but then at school she ignores me. Why does she do this?

–Shanice, 14

Hey Shanice,

Do you babysit? Mow the lawn? Cool…you have a part-time job. But here’s the thing: You can’t have a part-time friend. A true friend is with you 24/7, nothing less.

This is really hard to say because I know you’re hurting and I want to give you good news. But the reality is, if she’s only nice to you online, she’s just not that into you. Yeah, like that movie. I’m not saying she doesn’t like you. She probably does – otherwise, why chat with you?

Actually, there’s two possibilities here: either she’s not into you enough to acknowledge your existence in real life, or she’s too enslaved to the rules of her group to connect with someone on the outside. Whatever the reason, she’s blowing you off, and so far, you’re putting up with it.

When you let someone be nice to you on their terms and schedule, you teach them that it’s okay to do it. You give them permission to hurt you. Kind of like if you have a dog that jumps on you all the time. Give the dog a biscuit, and you’ll keep getting jumped on. Keep talking to this girl online and letting her ignore you at school, and, well, you’re the Biscuit Lady.

If I were you, I’d play hard to get and see what happens.Next time she chats you, just be like, “oh, hey, really busy right now, ttyl,” like you’re busy saving the world or hanging out with someone important. Or try this: “Hey, just helping a friend out with a drama, have a good night!” It may drive you crazy, but just try it. Trust me.

We’ll see if she comes running. If she does – and, hey, some people just love to be abandoned; it really gets them going – you can break it down for her.

I’d probably say something like this, “I love talking with you online, it’s so fun to blow off homework together, but I feel like I don’t really exist in your world at school. I totally get that you are super busy, but I don’t really do online-only friendship. Can we try to hang out at school?” The message you send is that you respect yourself and take your relationships seriously. Because duh, you are that awesome.

If she doesn’t come running, then you’ve just spared yourself any further attachment to a person who’s not treating you well. I don’t care, you might be thinking. I’d rather have some of her than none of her. That’s your decision. Just remember the message you’re sending and don’t expect more. Ask and ye shall receive – or you won’t. Either way, you’ll know the score.