Dear Rachel,

I have a friend who puts me down a lot and points out all the wrong things about me, but I have to be friends with her because I have no other friends — well best friends, that is. I want a friend who I can invite over and she won’t point out that my shirt doesn’t match or I am stupid because I am not in advanced math like her. Plus she ditches me for other people. Will I ever find a friend? What should I do?

–S.

Dear S.,

Okay, huge, huge hug from me. That’s the first thing.

Next: This girl is not your friend, okay? Friends don’t put you down a lot. They don’t point out the things that are wrong about you. They don’t tell you that you’re stupid or ditch you for other people.

This girl? She’s not your friend. She’s your bully. If you think a bully is some big dude in the schoolyard who steals people’s lunch money, you’ve only got part of the story. Truth is, girls often bully their friends. Crazy, right? But it’s true. Too many girls put up with terrible behavior from their friends because they keep calling them “friends.”

So what are you going to do? First of all, I want you to talk to an adult or friend you trust about what’s happening. Don’t go through this alone. Second, I want you to stop calling this girl a friend, at least in your head. There is no such thing as a part time friend. It’s 24-7 or nothing. Feel me?

Third, you need to start friend dating. That’s right, friend dating. Just like people who get dumped romantically need to play the field and meet someone new, the same thing is true when you need to make a new friend. Put yourself in situations where you can meet new girls. Join a new club or team. Sit down at a new lunch table. Ask a girl you like if you can be partners on a project. Chat or text someone you want to get to know better. Trust me. I’ve done it – I’m doing it right now, actually. It’s not always easy, and sometimes you get duds – just like real dates. But sometimes you click, and it’s awesome.

Should you tell your NOT-friend to stop treating you like that? Sure, if you want to. You can give her a chance to change. But I don’t have a good feeling about her at all. I think you should move on and find someone who can respect and love the awesomeness that is you.

Remember: part time jobs are okay. Part time friends: NEVER.

Take care, good luck, and let me know what happens!!

Rachel

Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell the truth because I feel like I’m going to get in trouble or I may get into a horrible position and I don’t know what to do.

- MT, Fourth Grade

Hi MT!

I really appreciate that you took the time to write to me. First, I want you to know that a lot of kids struggle with this same problem. It takes a lot of courage to admit it, so I’m proud of you for doing that!

I have two suggestions for you. First, take a piece of paper and make two columns. At the top of one, write “+” and on the other side write “-”—these will represent positives and negatives.  Then, I want you and your parent sit down and write the positives and negatives of lying. So, if the benefit of lying is that you don’t get in trouble, write that under the positives, and if a disadvantage of lying is that it makes you feel bad, write that under negatives.

I think you will find that when you lie a lot, the feelings of guilt and worry start to build up inside you. Even though it is hard to admit when you are wrong, it does get easier over time, and it makes those bad feelings go away faster.

Here’s one more piece of advice. Every day for one week, I want you and your Mom to talk about something you wish you could have done better that day. It could be very small, like you wish you had recycled a bottle, or you wish you had spent a little more time on your homework. If you do this every day for a week, you will get “better” at admitting your mistakes. It’s kind of like weight lifting. The more you do it, the stronger you get. And the more comfortable you are reflecting on your actions, the easier it will be to understand yourself.

Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

Rachel

I’d like to remark,
“Does your wife know about that?”
I wonder how she’d like it; I don’t think she would.

I’d like to be mean,
And yell, “you’re old and fat!”
But your words make me realize I’ve reached adulthood.

I’d like to turn around,
And whistle right back.
I’d do it if I didn’t think I’d be misunderstood.

I’d like to say,
“That’s illegal, now scat!”
In New York City, someday that may do some good.

Fiona Lowenstein is a weekly guest blogger, Girls Leadership Institute alumna and high school junior. Read more about her work here.

Dear Rachel,

I’m a freshmen this year and I was always looking forward to high school. When I was in 8th grade I started hanging out with high schoolers from freshmen all the way up to seniors. Well me only being in 8th grade I thought it was cool to hang out with the guys and a lot of them seemed to like me and always tried stuff with me.

At the end of my 8th grade year I started making bad choices with these guys and it started giving me a bad reputation with a lot of the upper classmen. I’m now turning things around, because I realized what it was doing to my life and I didn’t like it. But people still hold my bad choices against me. How can I turn my reputation around so I can get through the next 4 years?

W.

Dear W.,

No matter what other people think of you right now, the most important thing that’s happened here–and that you have going for you–is that you connected with your own values. You realized you needed to make a change and you’re doing it. That kind of self-awareness and courage will serve you throughout your life. For real.

But we’re not talking the rest of your life, are we? We’re talking right now. And let’s face it, reputation is a tough thing to fix. It’s currency in high school; it gets you privileges (or punishments) and it also announces you well in advance of people actually knowing you.

First of all, almost everyone makes mistakes with their rep–even the ones who you think haven’t. So it’s not like you’re some freak. Trust me: we all screw up at some point. It’s the nature of the high school beast.

Second, you have to be patient. Have you ever noticed that some celebrities who have been exposed and humiliated for doing bad things have major comebacks? What’s their secret? Time. They wait for people to forget. And they also set out to change their behavior. They send a consistent, undeniable message about their intention to live a better life.

And that’s what you’re doing. That’s all you can do.

Look at it this way: on the one hand, if there are people out there who judge you before knowing you, I totally get that you’d feel exposed, embarrassed, and put down. On the other hand, seeing (or hearing about) people who judge your book by its cover is a great heads-up that these people aren’t worth your time anyway.

I’m thinking that, based on your letter, you’re the kind of girl who was hoping to get in with a certain crowd. And I am strongly of the belief that those people are very often not the truest friends you can have. I say this because I was once one of them myself. You may find–nah, you will find–the truest, best friends of your life hanging out on the edges of the it crowd, not in the middle.

Good luck!

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I am really angry with my best friend and I have no idea why or what I should do about it. We have been friends for 9 years, and we have always been very close because we have been through a lot together.

Over the last few years T. has changed a lot, but I don’t have an issue with change, I know I have changed too. The thing is she has become quite slutty and inconsiderate and for the first time ever she isn’t honest with me.

Now when I speak to her for an hour, I have to listen to 50 minutes of her and her boys until I get 10 minutes of her being herself, a really great fun person who I love. She keeps kissing people she shouldn’t, when she has already been asked not to (brothers, cousins, ex boyfriends, people other people like) and as a result T. has lost a lot of her friends. I always defend her when this happens, but now she did a similar thing to me and lied to me about it.

The thing is, I can’t confront her about it because, every few weeks she has low moments when she cries about who she is and how she’s a bad friend and lately I have really been struggling to argue with that.

Then another thing, I accidentally got very drunk, it was the first (and last I really hope) time I have been so drunk and another friend of mine helped me. I would have thought T. would have helped me, seeing as I am her best friend and I have looked after her many times.

What should I do? Why am I so angry? How can I put this behind me? Am I being judgmental?

L., 18

Dear L.,

I’m sorry you are struggling. This is very painful. But I have to tell you — I think you are more clear than you are willing to admit to yourself about why you’re upset with T. For starters, you suggest that she did something with a guy you like. She lied to you. She didn’t take care of you when you got drunk. She dominates conversations and doesn’t give you space. Yet you write that you don’t know why you’re angry at her? I do.

You know that thing she does where she gets really upset about what a bad person/friend she is? I understand why you feel sorry for her, but you need to also see it from another perspective. When she does that, it does not give you any space to explain what’s bothering you. She ends up dominating yet again, and you have to take care of her. If she really wanted to let you have space to talk about your problems in the friendship, she’d actually let you — but by crying and making it all about her, she’s doing the opposite.

I’m not saying she’s a bad person. But I do think you need to face the reality that you are upset with her, and you have the right to be.

I think you guys have just grown apart. And that’s really normal – at lots of points in life. It’s common for one girl to start partying and the other girl to feel put off by some of those choices. It’s not about being judgmental, it’s about being different than she is. I wonder, though:  if T. were a better friend, would you really care as much about her crazy party behavior? Maybe, but I’d bet it would bug you less.

I know you say you can’t confront her, but I really think you should. If you absolutely can’t, another strategy is to act like you’re fine, except you’ll probably eat yourself alive inside and maybe just get furious with her one day and do something a lot worse than confront her. Another possible choice is to ask for some space and try to have a different kind of friendship with her, while focusing on developing closer friendships with others.

You are not here on this earth to clean up her messes and take care of her when her bad decisions mess up her friendships and her own life. Please, please, please don’t get in the habit of rescuing people, and that includes people you date. If she’s not the right friend, it may be time to move on, but at least give her the chance to repair by being specific about the things that have bothered you. I know it’s hard but you can do it — and if it doesn’t work out, at least you know clearly that you gave it your best. Trust me, you don’t want to regret later that you didn’t try.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

Kay, here we go.

Don’t expect your friends to be perfect. Because, well, they won’t be. If you hold your friends to impossible expectations, not only will they for sure disappoint you, but it will feel way harsher when they do. Batters get three strikes. Your friends need some, too. Be forgiving. That doesn’t mean being a doormat. Just give people a little room to screw up. It’s classy. Trust me.

Don’t make assumptions about how your friends feel. If someone seems weird or cold or otherwise unusual, just ask what’s up. Don’t decide they hate you or are ignoring you unless you’re 100% for sure that’s what’s going on. You will spare yourself a whole bucket of drama by just asking, “Are you okay?” or “Are we cool? You seem a little distant.”

Apologize when you really mean it. Otherwise, bite your tongue. If you constantly apologize to people, even when you’re not at fault, be careful. You can easily send the message that you’ll take the heat for other people. If you never apologize, you’re sending the message that you think you’re better than others and don’t take your friendships seriously. How do you know when a real apology is called for? Do you regret what you did? Did your actions hurt someone? Yeah, then now would be a good time.

Remember what you’re grateful for. This one helps me a lot. If you’re having a really bad day, just stop and think of one thing in your life you’re lucky to have. Maybe it’s your parents, maybe it’s your dog, maybe it’s your incredible talent for ice fishing…whatever it is, just stop and go, “I am lucky to have it. Life is not totally a mess.”

Smile. Okay, I admit it, this one’s slightly out there. But I read it in this cool book and I tried it and it worked. Just smile and you feel better. Plus, people prefer this face of yours to that one you sometimes show that looks like this.

Take a risk. No, not that kind. Or this kind. I mean, take a chance and put yourself out there. Raise your hand when you’re not sure of the answer. Make eye contact with that cutie you’ve had your eye on. Ask a person you think is cool to be a partner on a project. Sit – gasp – at a new lunch table (okay, okay, calm down. I won’t make you do that). But seriously, no guts, no glory, girlfriend. You do the same thing over and over again, you’ll get the same thing. When school starts, the window for change opens. Now’s the time to try something different before everyone gets all crusty and set in their ways.

Take care of YOU. I don’t care how much work you have tonight. If you need to watch Glee, do it. You deserve an hour to yourself! When I was in high school, I was obsessed with this show called Thirtysomething. It was on Tuesday nights at 10. I could seriously have the biggest test of my life the next day, bombs could be falling outside, and I was on the couch watching it. Who cares about DVR and Hulu? If it’s going to give you some peace right now, go for it. And bee tee dubs, try not to waste all your downtime online. It’s just not nearly as satisfying.

Dance. Dance. Did I say dance? Turn it up and just let it go. It’s the best stress release ever. My personal favorites to go nuts to: Walking on Sunshine, Say Hey (I Love You) and a whole slew of stuff by Janet Jackson. (Yeah, I’m old. So?) If you don’t like to dance, move your body in some way. Run, walk, stretch, skate, cartwheel. You get my drift. No matter how bummed I am, getting my heart rate up always makes me feel better.

Bottom line is this: Take care of you and your girls (and guys, and also the animals), be true to yourself and know when it’s time to take a nap. Remember: the rest is still Unwritten. Happy back to school!

Lately my best friend has been ignoring me and hanging out with other girls. I’ve tried talking to her about and she says that she understands and that she’ll hang with me more often, but she never does. We used to eat lunch together every day and now I barely ever see her at all. I really don’t want to lose her friendship. I’ve made friends with the other artsy girl in my class and we’re really close. She used to be friends with my BFF too. I asked her about it and she said she stopped hanging out with my BFF because “She started acting weird. She stopped being herself.” I agree. We’ve both noticed her hanging around the new girl, who can be pretty mean sometimes. I’ve noticed that she’s pretty mean herself now.

What can I do? I want to be friends with her, but I want her to be herself. And I want to be friends with the new girl, but I don’t want to feel like I have to be mean to survive. My BFF, the new girl, the other artsy girl, and I are all pretty popular, so it feels like everyone is watching us to see what we do. I want to patch it all up without the other students gossiping. What should I do?

G

Hi G,

It appears to me that you’ve seriously thought about this and weighed it from a number of different perspectives. And they are all correct. But, after reading your question, here’s my answer:

I think you have a bit more wisdom and insight than you believe you do. You understand that your friend has changed. She’s obviously unsure of herself and as you’ve also pointed out, most likely is changing to meet the requirements of this new girl.

The artsy girl seems like a rockstar who is there for you during time that isn’t all rainbows and butterflies and perfect harmony. She is showing you what a real friend looks like. And since she’s so cool and understanding, I bet she knows many other people equally as down-to-earth and awesome for you to connect with.

I know it can feel like a break-up, but is it worth groveling and sacrificing yourself to reconnect with your BFF while you’ve got other people surrounding you with support?

It seems like you know you would not be comfortable with changing who you are to fit in. If you choose to give up this friend, stick to it. I know it’s going to, quite frankly, suck to wave “au revoir” to a best friend, and just because you choose not to conform as she did, does not mean that she is out of your life forever. She may come to her senses. She might not.

By choosing to walk away from a toxic relationship, you gain control and place the ball in her court. It is an empowering place to be.

And then there’s popularity piece of the puzzle. Which is shaky, and ever changing. And threatening. But every decision you make cannot be made for the sake of other people, or you are never going to be able to figure out what you want. When you stop making decisions for the happiness or appeasement of others is when you seriously give yourself the arena to find your own fulfillment. The easiest way to do this is to exist among the people who build you up, not the ones who speculate and obsess and gossip behind your back.

Good luck, G! Stick to your guns. You’ve got this one, I’m sure of it.

xo
B

Dear Blaine,

My best friend and I are practically sisters. She knows me better than everyone in the world, and I feel like half the time she knows what I’m going to say before I say it. I am so grateful to have her in my life and for her friendship, but sometimes I can’t keep myself from getting jealous. She’s gorgeous and has guys flocking to her 24/7, she’s automatically great at any sport she tries, she has straight As, her parents give her anything she wants, and on top of that, she’s nice and humble! How do I stop myself from my envy?

Thanks,
T

Hey T,
Okay, so ask any girl about their best friend, and if they are strong enough to admit it like you are, they will most likely say they are jealous, too. There were obviously qualities about your bestie that made you fall in best friend love with her — you displayed many of them in your question — and that makes you destined for a little bit of jealousy.

But do you know what that means? There must be just as many qualities of yours that attracted your best friend to you, or there is no way that your friendship could be as brilliant as you say it is. It’s much easier to point out the greatness of other people than what’s in ourselves, largely because girls somehow find it is easier to put themselves down than to find and acknowledge that we ourselves are special, awesome, and worth it. Which you are. Remember that, okay?

I’m one hundred percent positive that if I went up to your bestie and asked her what she loved about you and why you are best friends, she would not be able to shut her mouth. Friendship is about taking your strengths and matching them with that of another person, and forming something beautiful and unique that could not be created on its own. Dig deep and figure out what you bring to the table. Just because it’s not staring at you in the face like your best friend’s designer jeans or jump shot does not mean it is any less spectacular or precious.

Dear Rachel…

There’s so many things I could say about them. I love them both, I’ve been best friends with one of them since I was three, and the other one is her cousin who moved here a few years ago. I love them both to DEATH, but they’re INSANE.

1. They’re jealous if I’m with one of them instead of the other, or especially if I’m with someone else outside the group.

2. They put me down all the time.

3. The one cusses me out when I’m not the perfect friend, and the other is very good at making me sound like a culprit to her parents, who intervene ALL. THE. FREAKING TIME.

4. I’m accused of being their “mom” but then they freak out when I don’t fix all their problems for them.

A bunch of stuff happens ALL the TIME. What do I do??

Not wanting to put up with crap OR losing my best friends,

A Friend On the Verge of Insanity

Dear Friend on the Verge of Insanity,

Help me out here. You put the words “obnoxious” and “rude” in the same sentence as “best friends?” Ah, forget it. I can’t pretend. I wish I could say this was unusual with girls, but it’s not.

If you ask little kids to draw you a picture of a bully, they sketch a picture of a tough boy who kicks your butt and takes your lunch money. You know, a bruiser, the kind of guy who’s been in fifth grade for five or six years, lurks in the playground…you know the drill.

That may be a bully for some people, but not for girls. Most of the time, the people that bully a girl will be her close or even best friends. They won’t do it physically. It’ll be subtle, through put-downs and hot-and-cold moods.

Too many of us put up with it, precisely because “they’re my friends.” But just because someone is your friend doesn’t mean she might not also be your bully. Friendship is not some all-holy state that gives people license to throw jealous fits, cuss you out, put you down, and freak out when you don’t fix all their problems (and that is what you describe above).

Every friendship has its ups and downs, no doubt. But if your downs far outnumber your ups, and if your downs come weekly or even daily, you may have a bully masquerading as a friend – kind of like that wolf in sheep’s clothing in Little Red Riding Hood.

Except your life is no fairy tale. You’re going to have to make your own happy ending. Here’s what I’m thinking: lay low for a week. Keep a journal of all the stuff that happens with your friends that bothers you. Write down what happened, when, where, who was there, all those details. You may even want to write a few sentences about how you felt in the moment (use emotion words if you can – they’re way more telling about what’s going on for you than words like “bad” or “like crap”).

After the week is up, read over your list. Then ask yourself this: if you had a best friend who showed you this journal, what advice would you give her? Would you tell her she was in a toxic friendship and to get out, or stick with it?

If you do decide to stick with it, I urge you to sit down with each friend on her own – not together, because they’re related and they’re clearly tight, which means that if you talk to them together, they’ll likely be invested in protecting each other and not listening clearly to you – and run through your list. Say something like, “This doesn’t feel like a healthy friendship. I need this stuff to change.” It’s up to you to suggest some alternatives, such as, “When you’re jealous about me hanging out with her, I need you to just tell me instead of [whatever you're doing].”

I’m not feeling optimistic based on your email, but I support you in trying to fix this. The only way to do that, though, is to talk to both of them and make some clear statements about what’s not working and what you need to change.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Hey Rachel,
So I am moving…..out of town….out of state, so to a new school. I don’t know what to do because I have NEVER been the new girl, ever. It’s all going to be new and I don’t know what to expect or anything.  Any advice?
-Kourtney 16

Hey Kourtney,

Being the New Girl is always tough. You have no idea what you’re walking into, and it can feel super lonely at the beginning. The anticipation alone is enough to give most of us ulcers.

Here are my tips for being the new girl:

1. 1. Meet some people online before you start. DO NOT get personal with them right off the bat. I am really serious about this: Even if you feel like you’ve met your BFFFFFFFFFFFFFF, set boundaries. No big secret revelations…yet. There will be plenty of time for the big love-in when you see each other.
   2. Make a list of some ways you can meet people. Do it before school starts. That might include sitting down at a crowded lunch table, speaking to someone you don’t know in class or the hall, or joining a particular team or club. Get out of your comfort zone as much as you can and take a few risks. That’s where the payoff lives: in those leaps of faith.
   3. Commit to trying one thing from your list every day. Stick with it and don’t punish yourself if you miss a day here and there. Some days, you may just need to be a hermit.
   4. Do not come on too strong. Don’t dominate conversations in a group, or call or text someone too much. Play it cool. Don’t look desperate.
   5. Proceed with caution. When you’re the new girl, you’re vulnerable. You might even feel a little desperate to make a friend. Do not let your vulnerability cause you to throw yourself at any new friendships. That means not telling someone every last secret about yourself in the first week you know him or her.
   6. Wait before you date. Or hook up. Or whatever is you’re going to do romantically. Get a sense of the landscape. Start flirting with some random guy who happens to be the lust object of some nasty female at your school, and congratulations, you’ve just won a membership to hell.
   7. Find stuff you can do on your own that makes you happy. You might be spending some quality time with that famous trio, “me, myself and I,” in the beginning. No shame in that game. Scheme up some fabulous activities for yourself, whether it’s getting a pedicure, reading a favorite book or getting into a new TV series.

One more thing. Don’t forget that when you’re the new girl, all the “old” girls (and guys) – meaning the ones who have been languishing at your new school for ages – are excited for fresh blood. Some of them are just curious, but others are hopeful that you might be a new friend. That’s not to say girls aren’t occasionally evil to newcomers, but hopefully my advice will get you around that.

Before you know it, you’re going to be surrounded by new friends. Just do it with caution and class, and you will rock it. Let me know how it goes!!