When Rachel Simmons published her book "Odd Girl Out" in 2002, she unearthed a world that had been discounted by researchers and trivialized by parents and teachers: conflict among girls.

Simmons' research revealed that girls have a complex system of aggression that's far from sugar and spice and everything nice. Because girls are socialized not to express anger physically -- or even at all -- they resort to more manipulative and emotionally abusive tactics: cruel notes left on lockers, whispering campaigns that destroy reputations, name-calling and the most terrible of all for the adolescent girl who needs desperately to belong -- shunning.

Words and whispers as weapons
Now comes Simmons with a follow-up book, "Odd Girl Speaks Out." Full of stories from both the torturer and the tortured, it's like reading an adolescent's diary as she navigates the social land mines that plague girls' lives.
When I asked Simmons what she thought was driving girls' aggression, she answered: "Popular culture is in some ways at the helm."

She believes that there's a certain purity to girls' relationships that gets adulterated by television and music. "For example, a girl might think it's great for her and her friend to dress alike," said the 29-year-old Rhodes scholar. "But when she sees on TV that a girl is supposed to be embarrassed and angry when she and a friend show up at a party wearing the same outfit, her attitude changes. The bottom line is that if a girl's identity wasn't defined by what she wore, it wouldn't be an issue."

While technology has been a boon for boys, it's often a bust for girls, Simmons said.
"Girls use e-mail and instant messaging as an extension of their social lives," she said. "It has become yet another place where the odd girl strives to be included. You need to sit at the right place at lunch during the day and be in the right chat room at night. It's the giant sucking sound of girls wasting their time."

Odd girls' survival kit
Simmons emphasized that her research is not so much about bullying as it is about the dark side of the caregiver mentality. "Girls are good at taking care of each other," she said. "But when their relationships break down, they have no rules for engagement."

She offers five points for girls who find that they are harboring negative feelings toward other girls -- and for women who have never outgrown being the odd girl out:

* Admit that you're jealous or feeling competitive. When you deny those feelings, they become 100 times more toxic.

* Ignoring people is a form of aggression. The victim doesn't understand what's going on and starts rattling her own cage, escalating the conflict.

* Be specific about why you're unhappy.

* There's rarely a fight where one person should take all of the blame. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict.

* Distinct relationships are one of the best things in life. The more you refuse to let your friends be with other people, the more they will resent you. Don't be a drag.