Ask Rachel: Have Sex with Me….or Else

By | October 21st, 2013 | 8 comments

Dear Rachel,Jonas brothers

The guy I’ve been dating for 5 months wants to have sex. I told him no and that if he really loved me he would wait. He said no and that he needs sex. He said we should take a break. I said no. You can understand why I said that, right? I feel fine. I just need to be reassured that I didn’t do something stupid. Maybe we could have worked things out?– Shanelle, 16

Dear Shanelle,

You absolutely did the right thing because you acted on your values and your feelings. You knew in your gut that it wasn’t right. You have nothing to apologize for. When you’re ready to have sex, you’ll know (hint: in general, if you have to ask yourself if you’re ready for sex, most likely you’re not).

What this guy is doing is blackmailing you. He’s using your relationship as a weapon to get what he wants. The message is: Give me sex, or lose our relationship. It reminds me of the girls in nursery school who tell you they won’t be your friend anymore if you don’t do what they want. We call that relational aggression (and the stuff that girls do in this area doesn’t end in preschool, either).

Here’s the deal: If your BF is so hung up on sex that he would actually leave you if you didn’t give it to him, then it means (1) he is being really shallow (2) he is angry or hurt and may come back and own up, and if he does, then maybe you can talk and/or (3) he is focusing on a superficial aspect of a real relationship. What’s most important in a relationship is the love that two people feel. It’s love that should enable him to respect you’re not ready. People don’t threaten relationships because they love you. That’s the opposite of love. If he can’t access real love, then he actually isn’t ready for sex, either. And I don’t want you having it with him.

So, no, you so didn’t do the wrong thing. I’m proud of you for speaking your heart and acting on your values. You rock!

Need advice? E-mail Rachel! rachel [at] rsim [dot] wpengine [dot] com

8 Responses to “Ask Rachel: Have Sex with Me….or Else”

  • Grace and Maddy says:

    YOU GO GIRL! PREACH IT! Never have sex if you not ready. RESPECT

  • Annie says:

    Very well said.

  • Annie says:

    You totally did the right thing Shanelle. Kudos to you for being an awesome, independent woman!

  • Donovon says:

    I think the two should break up. Just because you want to abstain from sex, doesn’t mean you have the moral high ground and use love to blackmail them into waiting, but you also shouldn’t pressure someone into a sexual relationship that doesn’t want to be in one.

    My advice is for the guy to just cut the girl loose and go find himself some tail, otherwise he’ll resent the girl for making him wait. For the girl, she should dump him because either she needs someone that will wait for her, or to stay single until she’s ready to take that step with someone in general. Focus on school, friends, ect. The alternative is that both will be in a relationship where they want two different things, and will wind up hating each other in the end, so the best option is to cut your losses now and move on to a person that is more your speed sexually.

    • Tammy says:

      With all due restpect Donovan, I think you’re missing an important point. There is a big difference between telling someone you must do this or else and telling someone I will not do this, the law recognises this difference in many ways but the most applicable is the fact that it is a crime to force someone to have sex with you, it is not a crime to refuse to have sex with someone.

      Yes, the case may be that they shouldn’t stay together but that’s only if he continues to pressure her and use the relationship as blackmail. She is doing nothing wrong by asserting that she will not engage in a particular act or acts that she’s not comfortable with. If the guy in this situation will resent her for not giving in to his demands then he might break up with her but that doesn’t mean that her actions in refusing to give in to his pressure were wrong.

  • Chloe says:

    You are an inspiration! Never let anyone try and tell you what to do with your body. Real men will respect your feelings!

  • I agree, you rock! 🙂 A real partner won’t coerce. Coercive sex? Not cool. Never cool.

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