Confident Parenting: Learning to Have Faith
I had a baby, my first, earlier this year. After over a decade of telling parents how to raise their girls, I’m now tasked with raising my own. I have no doubt I’ll take back some of what I said from a childless perch – and hopefully feel gratified about the rest. No matter what happens, I’m in the trenches now.
E is 8 months old. After some tough early months, I’m a goner, head over heels in love. She is sweet, tolerant, serene and joyful – a baby who, as my mother never fails to cheerfully inform me, “HAS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE PERSONALITY OF YOU AT THAT AGE.”
Yet I can’t help but compare her to other babies I know. Why is she so quiet when the others seem exuberant? That baby squeals and shakes with excitement; E coos, still as water. That baby turns the pages of a book, waves goodbye, crawls and climb the stairs. E doesn’t do any of those things. Other Baby: 4, E: 0.
I know I shouldn’t do this. So when the worry sets in, I think about my own life. I grew up desperate to achieve and be a star at everything I did. I grew hysterical in kindergarten when the teacher made a red “x” on a worksheet. My third grade teacher begged me to stop rushing through my math tables. I wouldn’t. I wanted to finish first. I wanted to win.
I somehow perceived that winning would make me happier. It never did. It still hasn’t. Nor has winning made me more confident. If anything, it’s given me what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a fixed mindset – the destructive belief that I must prove myself each time I take on a challenge, and the fear that I won’t excel at everything I do. I will spend the rest of my life wrestling with that fear, trying to relax about failure.
Meanwhile, all these years, I have been asked how to raise confident girls. Yet now all I can think about is how to be a confident parent. These are not one and the same. So much parenting literature focuses on what you need to do for and to your child — what you should say, what you shouldn’t say. But this parenting thing, it’s first and foremost about me in the deepest sense.
This morning, as I watched her lying on her stomach, struggling to hold herself up and look at a book at the same time, my eyes filled with tears. This brand new life in front of me, who is looking to me for everything she needs, is in my hands: it is my job to love this child as she is.
It is my job to help her become the person she is meant to become, whoever that is, and no matter how different she is from me. I am not to impose my own fears or fantasies on her, but to watch and listen closely. This is what being a confident parent looks like to me right now: the willingness to accept what is, to love her through that, and have faith that everything is as it should be. Isn’t that what real love is?
I have promised myself to try and find the line between encouraging her forward and loving her as she is. Because she will not be happier if she crawls first. She will not be more confident if she wins.
And I have learned enough in my own life, the hard way, to know better. What has made me happy in my own life is being loved for who I am, warts and all. What makes me happy are the small moments, like walking my dog as the sun sets, hearing a beautiful song or laughing with my friends. What makes me confident is feeling agency – the awareness that I have the skills to change the world around me, whether it’s in my relationships, my work, my hobbies or my own body – but not winning.
This is my promise to E., and to myself. It will take practice, I know, and I’ll have my bad days. But this kind of strength is about having faith. It means believing in what I can’t yet see. That is what terrifies me about being a mom, but it may well be the key to my lasting confidence.
Rachel Simmons is the author of Odd Girl Out and The Curse of the Good Girl.
My twin girls are 9 months old and we had a few rough months to start while I struggled with breast feeding, even before I was pregnant I had decided that is what I wanted my first big parenting move to be. Then I had twins and the plan became a big challenge. As someone who is constantly on the move, working toward the next goal, my children have taught me to slow down. I’m still working at it, but it is my goal, to stop comparing with other kids, with each other, M is my explorer and A is my observer, to let them lead the way, and to let go. They are the greatest teachers in the world. I look forward to hearing how you grow as a confident parent…. off i go M just toppled over while attempting to vault over her sister.
Yes Rachel, love this child as she is. As a grandmother I have to love my grandson as he is and I couldn’t love him more. We all had suspicions that things weren’t quite normal with Andy. Over a period of three years he has gone from being in the autism sphere, to being diagnosed PDD-nos (Pervasive Development Disorder – not otherwise specified) then a DNA testing that confirmed Chromosone 17q deletions. These missing pieces can cause learning and physical disabilities. Another testing this year gave him a label of Intellectual Disability. In so many ways he seems normal. He is behind, but still learning in school. He can be so sweet, is so handsome and such a joy to be around. I can’t fix him. My job is to love him and support him. He will be what he will be.
It is a nerve-wracking position to be in – a parent attempting to raise children to be the best people they can be for them & them alone. I doubt myself often & then, get small glimmers of doing something right when my 13 year old daughter writes essays for school about how we’ve instilled love, compassion, leadership, kindness, etc in her character, how she realizes that she’s different, but embraces her intelligence & uniqueness in a world where kids try so hard to fit in. Be brave! E is a lucky little girl to be loved and accepted for who she is & who she’ll be.
Thanks for this piece Rachel. As a mom to two daughters now 10 and 15, it was a nice reminder to me about how important it is to honor your daughters (and/or sons!) for who they essentially are, and to support them in a way that allows for them to trust and believe in their own inner compass and express their own unique voice.
When I was pregnant I had all these theories about what my job as a parent was supposed to be. Then my daughter was born. I realized that I had only one job: to guide her through the learning she had to do to grow into adulthood without losing her essential self. That orientation has made the job easier and harder. Good luck Rachel.
Hi Dina, so nice to hear from you! I like the way you put that. I think the hardest part of that journey for any girl is middle school. So hard to hold on to yourself….
hope you are well!
Always listen to your heart. You will know what is best for your dearest E. Don’t waver and simply follow your chosen path of parenting. Good Luck!
Perhaps the world now needs more pensive, observant little souls! Action after thought is far better than reactivity. Bless the little one!
Perhaps the world now needs more pensive, observant little souls. Action after thought is far better than reactivity. Bless the little one!
For all the reasons you’ve mentioned; I took up tennis. I thought it was a valuable lesson for my own daughters to watch their mother attempt to learn something new, struggle, lose, and still return to the courts the next week to try again. I wanted them to know I wasn’t perfect, I couldn’t do everything, and those things weren’t going to stop me from trying/learning/being authentic and genuine. Now that they are grown, every once in awhile, I’ll hear “I think I’m going to try…” For me, it is the payoff.
Thanks Carole! That is a wonderful example. I try to keep that in mind as I bumble through being a mom. Such a steep learning curve!
I have to agree! I started signing up for races just to show my kids (15/16) that winning doesn’t matter…I’m NEVER going to win!!! I think it’s freed them up to take risks and not worry about winning. Since I tend to be very competitive this is a HUGE pill for me to swallow as well….learning for all!!
As the mother of three daughters 22, 19 and 17, I know that comparisons and competition is very hard to deal with. In society girls are pressured from the media,parents of other kids and their peers.Each child has something that makes them special. Foster their likes don’t give in to their constant wants and give them unconditional love. Society and growing up is hard enough on our children. Hug them, encourage them. Teach them that winning is not everything. Losing with grace and doing your best is what matters. Foster friendships and be yourself. It is not easy but it is what girls and children need.
thank you!
I’d like to say, part of being a confident parent is not letting others convince you that something you know in your heart is right or true for your daughter isn’t. Several steps with helping my now 9 year old daughter get help with reading skills was delayed because I (shame- more than once) let others: well intentioned friends, her teachers, even her doctor, convince me that they knew better than what my gut was telling me about my daughter. There was lots of, “you are over reacting,” “your goals for her are too high,” “the help we are giving is exactly right, she doesn’t need to do anything different.” Turns out, she’s dyslexic with an iq of 140. So no, I wasn’t wrong, over reacting or setting the bar too high. Oh, and that outside tutor I hired, who uses an instructional method designed for dyslexics, the one you said would only confuse her, his help has advanced her reading skill upwards of 3 grade levels in a third of the time you worked with her.
Trust yourself. You know your girl better than anyone. Seek help when you need it, being confident doesn’t mean going it alone, but trust that you know what’s right for her.
this is lovely advice – and clearly hard won wisdom. thank you for sharing.
“It is my job to help her become the person she is meant to become, whoever that is, and no matter how different she is from me. I am not to impose my own fears or fantasies on her, but to watch and listen closely. This is what being a confident parent looks like to me right now: the willingness to accept what is, to love her through that, and have faith that everything is as it should be. Isn’t that what real love is?”
I really liked this post. Even with an 11 year old and a 7 year old, the daily practice of exactly what you preach here is necessary. Humans are a stubborn bunch, but we get it, eventually.
Very well said. I am trying to keep this in mind each day, and luckily each day brings a chance to practice this mindset.