Lilly’s Blog: Stop Preparing Women to Be Victims & Start Holding Men Responsible for Violence
Recently, I had a very scary realization. It is easier for us to talk about young women as victims than it is for us discuss the possibility of young men becoming perpetrators or witnesses of violence. It seems to me that, until we change how we think about crimes against young women, we will always be one step behind in a losing battle to make the world safe for women.
A few weeks before I graduated high school, my school organized a day for seniors called “Life Skillz Day.” We were shuttled from one workshop to another where we learned how to watch football, how to sew a button, how not to be awkward. (How awesome is my school?) Some workshops were more serious. One covered sex ed basics and finally we watched a movie about drinking on college campuses.
The movie included helpful hints for young women. One such tip warned girls to never put their drink down at a party for fear of someone slipping a “date rape” drug into the cup. We were also advised to not wear revealing clothes to parties lest we attract the wrong kind of attention. Finally, we learned to always use a buddy system and have a female friend check in with you throughout the night. In the discussion following the movie, my peers and teachers reiterated these ideas. The suggestions, while helpful I suppose, gave me chills.
We were speaking about ways young women can try to avoid being attacked and violated. Yet no one blinked an eye. It is an unforgettable day when girls accept that, when they go to college, they must learn to be constantly aware of the fact that, come Saturday night, the boy sitting next to you in class might become a monster.
It truly saddened me to see my community so matter of factly speak of the ways in which female graduates could find themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. The tips and tricks did little to empower, rather they confirmed that our society has resigned itself to hosting an insidious culture of violence against women.
Instead of being ushered into a world in which I don’t have to fear being drugged at a party, I am told to arm myself with knowledge of how to surreptitiously cover my drink. That day, it became clear to me that for most it is less painful to admit that one’s female friend and student may be a victim of violence than think that a male friend and student may be the cause or passive witness of such violence. As I looked around the room at my peers and teachers, I wondered, why are we only talking about girls and what they can do to prevent violence? Shouldn’t we be discussing how guys, who have the privilege of not being potential victims, can help?
But in thinking about violence against women, men seem to be conveniently forgotten. In the tragic scenario of violence against women that is read on newscaster’s prompters and relayed in hushed tones, there is one player: the female victim. What she was doing, what she wearing, how much she had drank, there is a disproportionate (and often critical) focus on the victims of violence.
Men never seem to be factored into the equation. It is too scary to talk about the nameless, faceless perpetrators because humanizing that force of violence leads to realizing that the violent man was once a boy sitting in a classroom. And it is too painful to consider that perhaps that boy once sat in a class listening to his female peers being taught to fear. Perhaps they heard the statistics (one out of four women will be sexually assaulted on a college campus). Who is assaulting that one woman and what causes him to act in such a violent manner?
It is time communities started asking these hard questions and stopped accepting violence against women as a fact of life. It is foolish to pretend that it is impossible a student may become a violent young man while resigning one’s self to the likelihood that a female student may become a victim.
Never mind the size or severity of the problem, no issue has ever be remedied while stubbornly ignoring the cause of the problem. With each one-sided, incomplete conversation that only addresses the role of women in violence, my peers are taught to surrender to the inevitability of violence. Inadequate efforts to raise awareness about this issue only contribute to a failing paradigm of preparation (cover your cup) instead of prevention.
Finally, by omitting the role of men from discussions about violence against women, young men are given permission to be complacent bystanders. The message sent to my male peers during the workshop was that violence is between women and shadowy figures. It is a profound privilege to live without fear of being attacked or violated, a privilege more than half of the world lives without. Yet men are rarely expected to use their privilege to help others. If only more young men were taught as my brothers were that it is their responsibility to be good to women and to ensure that their peers follow suit.Where are all the good men at these parties? Again and again, young men seem to become silent bystanders when they are needed most. It is a dangerous and seldom recognized pattern.
Until we become as comfortable thinking about male complacency as we are contemplating female victimhood, violence against women will remain a “women’s issue.” Ask young men to talk about the pressures they face to be unfailingly macho, constantly sexual and perpetually aggressive. Ask young men to reflect upon the moments they witnessed sexism. Ask young men to explore the ways in which they can be active allies and supportive members of the movement to stop violence. Suddenly, violence against women is a human issue. Suddenly, we’re getting somewhere.
**This blog was first published June 2010**
Lilly graduated from high school in June 2010 and was a weekly guest blogger for RachelSimmons.com. Read more about her here.
Lilly, Please check out this website http://www.ifightformylife.com/
Spice Williams Crosby is taking all this to another level. You are correct, society should be focused on the behavior of men, However, while the stats remain that every 2 min a woman in America, is either assaulted,molested or raped, we must MUST equip ourselves with a keen awareness and the ability to fight back. We must learn the behavior patterns of our perpetrators and not fall into a state of “unawareness” and an inability to defend ourselves. I Fight For My Life is a movement that will teach women just that.
I look forward to your comments after seeing the trailer. Best to you and great work you’re doing!!!
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/I-FIGHT-FOR-MY-LIFE/112420815462164?ref=ts
Melissa Stonehill
Stonehill-Publicity
Wow, such a power post Lilly!! You’re an amazing writer.
This subject reminds me of an episode I watched of “What Would You Do?” It’s a show (I’m not sure if it’s still airing anymore), where actors place themselves in situations so the camera can catch how the public responds. In this particular episode, the two actors were on a “first date” at a bar. The girl would always, on cue, leave her drink next to her date and get up to go to the restroom. The guy would then slip her something into her drink (which was only sugar, because this was staged, but no one else knows this of course and the camera is hidden). The guy actor would make sure that the people sitting next to him at the bar would notice what he was doing…and then the girl would come back to the bar, and they would continue on their date, seeing how (IF) people would respond.
After an entire day of doing this, only ONE man took a stance and blatantly told the woman her drink had been spiked. Another man tried to *hint* that she should buy another drink, but it was a meager effort at best. The majority of people would talk and start amongst themselves, but let her drink the spiked beverage and get up and “go home” with the guy. Two guys, who’s faces they had to blur, actually egged the guy on while the woman was in the restroom, waiting for her cue to return to the bar.
It’s a very, very sad and horrible truth how passive people are. I believe there is a psychological reason for this too – embarassment in public, or fear of causing a scene and bringing attention to oneself, or something like that. This is a worthwhile thing to look into, because this fear is overruling our choice to step up & save someone’s life.
I’m so glad I found this post (through Redefining Girly). I’ve been working on a blog post about how my daughter is required to wear shorts under her dress to pre-k (and Kindergarten in the fall). I ask her why the teacher tells her this and she says because the boys look under her dress when she is crossing the monkey bars. Excuse me?! NO! I think it is time we start teaching the boys how to respect the girls.
(And I do teach her how to be appropriate in a dress so that is not the issue here.)
Lily,
Hard for me at age 60 to think that a recent high school grad wrote such an insightful piece. That alone is a great wake-up call to me. Thank you for that also.
When I graduated from college I was a volunteer speaker with a Rape Crisis Council and I remember speaking to high school groups with the primary message being girls/women are not responsible for getting raped. Your post reminded me that many of the boys and even some girls weren’t accepting that. In some ways it doesn’t sound like we’ve made as much progress as I would have expected in this time frame.
I think Kristen made a really good point, and although you didn’t have time to formulate your thoughts during Skillz Day, I hope you mail your post to the organizers of the event, the principal, teachers and your school board. It’s too important for you to stop here. Good luck. Cherry
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Such an important and valuable point of view Lilly.
It immediately helped me begin thinking about ways to translate this inclusiveness into the body image arena where men often watch as bystanders as the women they love tear themselves to shreds. We have to look at the whole and complete communication of this issue. And I commend you for getting it. And I will now pick up the torch and share it with every man I know.
Thank you for addressing this important issue. I am a parent of an 11 year old daughter and have seen how certain of her brother’s 13 and 14 year old friends are already making sexist type of comments which they pass off as “just joking”! Fortunately, my daughter already knows to recognize sexist comments and she calls them on it. My son heard Rachel Simmons speak in Singapore about a NJZ…No Joke Zone. I am trying to connect this for him now, at age 13, in hopes of raising his Social IQ and make it more clear for him acceptable ways to interact with women and what we consider nonnegotiable. Thank you for writing on this important and under-addressed issue.
Lilly, this is such valuable information and so needed. Guys have flown under the radar for a long time about this. I believe it is time to educate men and hope for change. I made a documentary called Spitting Game: The College Hook Up Culture that covers the risks, reasons,and realities students face within the college hook up culture. I speak on high school and college campuses with it. One of the major challenges I face in my lectures is the fact that many guys, especially young guys in high school, are so socially hypnotized by their own male privlege that they are not able to really understand this from any other point of view. Very few in this age group seem to be able to stop and observe this from a different place. SO, that being said, it doesn’t mean there aren’t some who can! My son is 20 now and I raised him with a completely different consciousness about women and relationships in general. I know there are tons of misguided messages in our society at large, but I really believe that the socialization of boys to men starts in the home. What are PARENTS doing about this? They have also flown under the radar in how they may have socialized their sons vs how they socialized their daughters. Michael Kimmel’s book, GUYLAND speaks at length about this generation of guys and how they have been socialized. I highly recommend it to every man & woman on the planet who cares about our young men. This book will also help you understand what we are up against in trying to engage men to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. I am thankful that your wrote this post and brought it more to my attention. I am doing some follow up interviews for the release of my feature documentary this Fall and I will make sure to include this very important “human issue.” Please check out my website and keep in touch! http://www.collegehookupculture.com
Wow, Lilly! That is one smart post.
Great post Lilly! Were you able to bring up any of these points with the teachers and peers who hosted the discussion – and if so – what were their reactions? Hopefully next year’s seniors will be engaged in a more open and supportive discussion that acknowledges men’s roles in sexual violence.
Hi Kristen,
Unfortunately, I did not really have time to formulate my thoughts during the discussion. It was only in the following days that I began to process what I had heard. Subsequently, I did not talk to my teachers about it. I too hope next year’s conversation will better reflect our collective responsibility to end violence against women.
Best,
Lilly