Mommy Vortex: When Someone Else’s Child Hurts Yours
One of the very first times I took my son to a playground, I was presented with a parenting conundrum that I still have not fully worked out years later: how to effectively address another child’s inappropriate behavior when that child’s parent/caregiver refuses to do so.
I remember, all those years ago, my son trying to scramble up the small ladder to the toddler slide, when an older child ran over and deliberately knocked my son out of the way to get onto the slide first.
I just stood there, mouth gaping, when I should have rushed to my son’s side to see if he was alright. I noticed the other child’s mother shrug her shoulders as my own maternal instincts kicked in, and I quickly grabbed a baby wipe to mop up the blood from my son’s knee. The other mom simply sighed and said, “Boys will be boys! Gotta be tough!” And then she went to sit on the bench.
Um, what? Seriously? Did I miss some Parenting 101 rule that said it was perfectly fine to knock another kid to the ground (causing them to bleed!) as long as it was on a playground? I was pretty shocked by her blasé reaction. Maybe I was a new parent, but wasn’t now the time to start teaching these little people that pushing, shoving, and refusing to wait your turn were inappropriate behaviors that are (generally) not tolerated by others? I really—I mean really—wanted to reprimand that child myself. But could I do so? Would that be appropriate?
I decided against it, and instead looked at my son, and told him (in a very loud voice) that I felt badly he was knocked down, and that it wasn’t nice to do such things to other people. He rebounded the way kids do, but I remained fairly aggravated.
We parents are raising the next generation here, so isn’t it our job to make sure they have basic manners, or at least understand that aggressive, physical behavior is rarely the most effective way to communicate? A pushy pre-schooler may not necessarily become the next teen bully, but without proper direction, yeah, he might. Parents just cannot simply look the other way.
I have never quite worked out how to deal with other parents on these types of issues, which, I have noticed, tend to get worse as the kids get older. Yes, I agree that kids need to learn to advocate for themselves; mommy and daddy can’t always speak for them. And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that parents need to step up, too, and give their children proper guidance so that we don’t end up feeling like we should reprimand each others’ kids.
Recently, my son (who is now a naïve, if not kind-hearted, seven year old), was being called names by older boys while my daughter was at dance class. I was watching the dance lesson, and so I didn’t hear my son being called “weird,” “stupid,” and “four eyes.” I also didn’t know that he was laughing at the name-calling to feel accepted—as he later told me—never realizing he was actually laughing at himself (my heart still breaks a little when I think about it).
The fact that the older boy’s parent was there, along with two other parents, made it worse: they were laughing at my son, too. I only learned of the events from one of the dance studio owners who intervened on my son’s behalf and later told me about it. I was infuriated. How could other adults allow a child to be treated like that? How could they stand idly by—worse, participate in!—mean-spirited name-calling? It is so disheartening to think about what kind of teens and adults these kids will turn into considering how the parents acted.
How could a child learn that bullying behavior is wrong when the adults they learn from and trust act like bullies themselves? And yet, given that parents today have shamelessly taken to Facebook and Twitter to publicly victimize their children’s “friends,” I guess I should not have been surprised by the entire situation. Nonetheless, I fumed for an entire week.
I had no idea what to do: should I confront the parents? The kids? Teach my son to better advocate for himself? All of the above? I was really conflicted about how to handle what had happened; it was like I was standing on that playground all over again.
In the end, I did say something the following week to the same collective group of parents and older boys assembled in the dance studio’s waiting room. I told them all that name calling was unnecessary and mean, that they should all try to be a little bit more human. Yes, it made me a pariah with some of the parents. And no, I don’t regret it. I only regret the fact that I had to say something at all: part of me wishes my son had advocated for himself; a bigger part of me wishes the other parents had given their own children some (very) necessary guidance. Or at least that they hadn’t made the situation worse by laughing and acting like bullies themselves.
Despite my decision to speak up, I still find myself wondering when it is appropriate to correct or reprimand another child when an adult refuses to do so, or (worse) when the adult participates. Always? Never? Case by case? I am often conflicted about it. In the end, I think it may just be one of those parenting dilemmas I’ll never quite solve.
Rosemarie Coppola-Baldwin is a practicing attorney and a dedicated mother of two children. A Georgetown University graduate, Rosemarie has practiced law at a major New York City law firm and for the City of New York. Rosemarie has been a guest lecturer on women’s civil rights and related legal issues at St. John’s University (New York), and offers pro bono legal services to a variety of entities.
I am a parent of middle-schoolers and I still struggle with this. A neighbor boy is routinely obnoxious / mean (but not dangerous) to my daughters and his parents have basically taken the stance that his issues are so out of control that they can no longer “sweat the small stuff” with him. I have talked to him, but I find myself growing frustrated that there seems to be no end to it. Apart from that, I really struggle with the need to teach my daughters to be appropriately assertive versus stepping in and providing back up. It doesn’t really get easier as they get older, just different.
When I was young, I remember the feeling of safety when I was reprimanded by other adults (not my parents). Yes, I was also scared of them and very embarrassed too but the feeling that lingered after the initial shock/embarrassment was a feeling of safety. Adults were watching me which meant that they were not only going to reprimand me if I was out of line but that they were also going to look out for me. This sense of limits (or boundaries) made the world feel safer. Children need to know where the limits are. Today, when I approach a child that needs guidance, I don’t do so as a mother-bear protecting her own children but as a fellow citizen who cares deeply for the next generation. I look directly at them and always follow with a message that says “I know you can make better choices”…because I truly believe that they can. They just need a little help sometimes.
Drop the emotion and consider yourself a teacher. Our job as adults no matter if we are parent or bystander is to teach these young ones how the world works. And part of how the world works is that we stand up for our family members and that we reprimand ANYONE who is acting out of line. Stick to the facts and it becomes much easier. Mirror what you would like your child to do so they can learn it from you. If you are emotionally charged it can get ugly. If you stick to the facts it doesn’t. My 2 cents
Always better to take matters to the parents. I read an article recently where an enraged mother approached her daughter’s bully herself. The author thought this was the correct course of action but it’s not. As an adult you are already in the position of power and authority and when you’re reprimanding (aka cornering) a child you’re being just as much of a bully. After all, you’re being motivated by your anger and your child’s hurt. If the other parent is indifferent then I would encourage your child to approach the other child and tell them that they found their behavior unacceptable. For young children just saying “You hurt me. Don’t push me again” is enough to elicit a “sorry” or a sheepish look.
I’m a teacher, so in speaking to children who are not my own, my verbal boundaries seem to be a little different than other parents. If I see behavior that I would not tolerate in my classroom (and pushing/name-calling definitely falls into that category) I have NO problem correcting the child out loud and in front of the parents (usually I wait to see if the parent is going to step in before I say something). It’s not necessary to be harsh, generally most young kids are embarrassed or ashamed that another adult is calling them out.
You did the right thing. Parents address the parent, or the school if it happens there. Other children I will give “the look,” but not speak to. Not these days. And my sons I try to empower to speak up and enlist help. Happy to say after dealing with a bully for 3 years, the school started a “bully busters,” club which I had my son (reluctantly) join. It was so empowering and guess what? The bully stopped. I believe more people are good than bad. More people are caring than callous. And more people care about peace and fairness than we realize. Rally the troops. Speak the truth. And teach our kids that the best way to take care of a bully is to “verbally” punch them in the nose . Oh… and move out of staten island and head east. (just kidding)
I have 2 boys, 6 & 3, and my younger one is the wild one. I know I don’t have to worry about my older one on the playground, either to advocate for himself (he’ll often come tell me if someone is bothering him) or to play nicely with other kids. My younger one just never stops moving FAST so I have to watch him constantly and I’ve had to tell him to slow down or watch out or wait your turn. But the thing is, if I ever miss something he’s been doing I would APPRECIATE another parent approaching me to let me know because I don’t want other kids getting hurt and I don’t want my kid to be hurting others.
It’s a huge problem if parents are put off or offended by someone pointing out outright mean or dangerous behavior and the parent doesn’t see correction as more important than their pride.
Sad stories!!
I totally agree with you! My child does not have the right to hurt any other child, just like they don’t have the right to hurt my child. I don’t care whose child it is, if the parents feel that the child should not be spoken to, asked to be nice, or given a dirty look, then perhaps they should be parenting the child so that it’s not needed.
THings happen and we can’t always watch our children, BUT how we respond to our child when they have done something inappropriate is what makes us a good or bad (yes I’ll say it) parent, not what type of parenting we employ.
For me, when you say “I was really conflicted about how to handle what had happened; it was like I was standing on that playground all over again”, this encapsculates just WHY it is so difficult for many of us to figure out how to respond in these situations. We get triggered in the moment and it takes us right back to when we were young. Maybe we identify with the child who, we feel, can not protect him or herself in the moment. Or with the one that is shamed by the adult around him or her for his “misbehaviour.” I was the one who found it hard to assert myself so doing so as a parent is not always easy either, particularly around other parents! But as has been said, self esteem is more important than feeling uncomfortable. Either way, it is REALLY hard to come into present moment, when parenting in public, and respond from a place of calm and not to be either overly-aggressive to the “other” child in trying to protect our child, or overly passive. And on top of that, we have to deal with other parents, who are probably also regressed to a place of feeling deeply triggered in the moment. It is a recipe for, if not disaster, then a lot of strong emotion!
I remember the sense of helplessness I had when my son was a toddler and other children were physical with him in playgroups, and I remember the sense of horror the first time I saw my son do something to another child. I think it helps to remember that, at some stage, we are all likely to be the parent of the child whose child has “done something to” another child and the parent of the child to whom “something was done”. I want to protect X child without shaming, blaming, belittling or telling off Y child and I don’t think it helps to think of “good” or “bad” or “victim” and “perpetrator”.
Children “act out” because they are letting us know they are stressed. I had to learn, with my own child, to love the part of them that was acting out, before I was able to run in and judge him. That did not mean it was ok to hit. It meant looking at where such behaviour might be coming from.
I want to look at, how triggered am I in this moment and how can I respond from a calm place to support my child in this situation, whatever has happened? And preferably, if also possible, the other child.
It’s a very challenging issue for me, parenting “in public”, and one I have spent a lot of time on. I often find it easier when other parents are not present, because I am still working on holding myself amid external pressure to punish, and when someone talks to my child in a way I find unacceptable.
For me, the ideal is supporting my child to advocate for himself, and myself to advocate for myself, while not blaming the other. (Here is an excellent article on blaming I read today http://baynvc.blogspot.com/)
You 100% did the right thing. I have 3 children, my 2 boys are special needs, my middle son is 5 and unfortunatly, despite being very kind natured doesn’t have the skills, nor vocab to advocate himself, so often resorts to pushing, or pushing back. I keep an eye on him and pull him up when needed but i am also not afraid of telling other kids either. An example is, was still in.nappies until just before his 5th birthday, some kids at the park found out, called him a disgusting baby, he got SO upset, so i told the kids he was different and maybe they should speak to their parents, well one kids parents came.over and started yelling at my ‘lazy parenting of that disgusting child’ i soon educated her as.well!!!
You 100% did the right thing. I have 3 children, my 2 boys are special needs, my middle son is.5 and unfortunatly, despite being very kind natured doesn’t have the skills, nor vocab to advocate himself, so often resorts to pushing, or pushing back. I keep an eye on him and pull him up when needed but i AM also not afraid of telling other kids either. An example is, was still in.nappies until just before his 5th birthday, some kids at the park found out, called him a disgusting baby, he got SO upset, so i told the kids he was different and maybe they should speak to their parents, well one kids parents came.over and started yelling at my ‘lazy parenting of that disgusting child’ i soon educated her as.well!!!
Personally, I think that you were right to step up and say something. I have dealt with plenty of horribly behaving children and found that they will be complete angels if the rules are there, however, at home and outside some of them can be absolute terrors!
I Had a friend that never spoke up on her toddlers behalf even after witnessing a child at the splash park knock her down repeatedly. Her daughter ended up getting knocked down so hard that she had to go to the ER for a concussion.
For my son, I’m opposite as I hate when children aren’t taught how to be nice and I absolutely hate parents that think it’s cute or normal for boys to be boys. I find that when a kid is being a terror to my son or putting my son in a posiion to be hurt, a loud reminder to nearby parents of “hunny, I do see how horrible that kid is acting” and a nice little mean look towards the kid will get the parents in high gear. If it doesn’t work for the parents, it sure bloody works on those kids. They do not like nasty looks!
Then again, I fully believe that if the parent is trying but failing, I don’t butt in, I just remove my kid.
Then again, I live in an area where the parents let their children run wild and don’t say a thing. Even my neighbors don’t watch their children. For example-one child in particular (about 2-3 yrs) is always outside during the day-no parental supervision. Fine, i get the whole free range parenting, but what about when he was sitting/laying in the street, the neighbors have a brick fence that can not see him, and I ALMOST didn’t see him laying there when I drove up, as it’s the first house in the neighborhood! This isn’t something new either-he does it a lot. Speaking up isn’t’ a bad thing.
I think it’s important to vocalize for your children when they can’t. My son is almost 2, although quite tall and able for his age. When he was being almost knocked over and pushed on a play structure where he could have been hurt by a much older child, I politely but firmly said to the older child “Excuse me, wait your turn please.”
I did get a death stare from the child’s mother, but I didn’t care. My son learned that pushing was not appropriate behaviour, and that he can count on me to do what’s right for him. When he’s old enough, I’ll certainly be explaining to him how to address the other child, but right now, his vocabulary is too limited.
If the other child’s parent can’t be bothered to use the opportunity to teach their child, it’s their loss, and unfortunate for the child.
I have struggled a little with this – my daughter (now 2.5) was a very timid toddler and was always getting shoved out of the way and picked on (once they could see she wouldn’t fight back). The amount of parents who would just stand by whilst their child bullied mine was astonishing. In the end I got right in there and would just stand by her (which in itself slowed the bad behaviour) and tell any child about to shove her to wait their turn etc. I found prevention better than cure.
I dread the older years, I had to stop (on request of a friend who was stuck b’fing) some 5 year olds ganging up on her 4 year old at the park recently – and was amazed at what a pack of little b*tches they were acting like at such a young age!
The most important thing you can teach your child is to take care of himself and stand up for himself because, unfortunately, there are a lot of weak people out there who do not speak up, including parents of ill-behaved children. This will be a part of his life, just as we have such unfair systems in place ourselves.
In the meantime–because he is so young and it takes a lot of practice to learn self-advocacy–I would go ahead and get involved–but gently. Even kids who screw up usually want to be good, and just need a friendly reminder that you expect better and that what he’s doing is hurting someone.
We can’t police the world but we can model kindness and generosity in everything we do, and hope it catches on.
I send a child that is behaving ‘badly’ to their parent. I had one little boy follow my toddler around and push her down, repeatedly. I finally went over and told him to go find his mother. The mom came over and yelled at me, but i am not going to allow a child to victimize my kids.
I will tell a child not my own that they are acting in a manner not appropriate; running in the library, throwing stuff at the playground, stuff like that. I figure that kids are people and are happier knowing what the rules are, and if the parent is embarrassed, not my intent, then they will do better explaining the rules.
You did absolutely the right thing in speaking up for your child even though it was uncomfortable. I have a toddler and we’ve run into name calling already in the playground, not to mention pushing, grabbing and the other more expected, but unsafe behaviors. Before my daughter could talk I would regularly help her in the playground by asking bigger children who started to push or grab to be aware of other kids and wait their turn. As she got bigger and more verbal I would address her directly to coach her to set and respect boundaries, such as; “Do you see her turning away? That’s her way of saying ‘no’ to your hug, sweetie, please give her some space.” Or “You can tell him to ‘Please wait, it’s my turn. I will give you the toy when I’m done.’” I learned what to say from Kidpower, a nonprofit organization that taught me something amazing – that the safety and healthy self-esteem of a child is more important than anyone’s inconvenience, embarrassment or offense. It’s not easy to advocate for ourselves or our children sometimes, but they deserve our best efforts to show them consistently how to set and respect boundaries and put safety first – even if it’s uncomfortable socially to do so.
Another story I’ll share – and it’s interesting that this blog post came out today – I was talking just yesterday with another mother in the neighborhood about this problem. She has a 5-year-old in kindergarten and she told me that the name calling and bullying just escalates and gets worse as the kids get older. Her daughter recently started getting called a hurtful name in a sing-song chant by an entire group of kids at school. The next day when the mom actually witnessed the name-calling, she firmly but kindly reminded the group that they were using “unkind words” and that was not how they had agreed to treat each other at the school. She did it even though she felt conflicted because the school actually has a rule that parents are not allowed to correct other people’s children on school grounds, but instead to leave it to school staff. But I believe she did the right thing. Rules like that are meant to avoid adults bullying children, but her guidance was clearly needed – there were no teachers nearby and she modeled for her own child and the others what it looks like to speak up in a respectful, clear way – and it worked – the kids stopped the chant and everyone started to play together again.
I believe all adults are responsible for Putting Safety First. But in our culture we aren’t taught consistently to advocate for ourselves and each other in respectful ways – or to protect ourselves from the unkind things that others do and say. In fact, often it’s the opposite and that’s exactly why there’s a movie called “Bully,” which is being nationally released tomorrow. The trailer is just heartbreaking – as has been the immense wave of news about bullying and its terrible effects in the past year or so.
I hope this stops being a parenting conundrum and starts being a parenting imperative – our children deserve our consistent guidance and advocacy about safety and how to have healthy relationships – that includes protecting themselves and advocating for others in the face of teasing and bullying, as well as stopping if they find themselves teasing or bullying others.
Beth – Thank you so much for your thoughtful and interesting response. The story you shared about the Kindergarten student is not surprising to me, sadly. I am grateful that there was a positive outcome there. I appreciate your constructive language suggestions, and I agree with you about this beoming a “parenting imperative.” Thanks again for your thoughful comments!
Rosemary, you did a great job of describing an important issue that MANY parents tell us about in Kidpower. Finding that balance between not reprimanding other people’s kids and advocating for your own is not easy – and you did just we’d recommend to other parents in the situations you describe.
We’d like to invite you and your readers to join people from Kidpower, MojoMom, Positive Parenting Solutions, and other experts on a free live on-line chat about child safety on TheMotherhood.com next Tuesday from 11-noon Pacific Time.
http://www.themotherhood.com/talk/show/id/Keeping-Our-Kids-Safe
At Kidpower, we promote the understanding that, until they have the skills to manage problems on their own, children need adult supervision. Most adults will not let children work things out for themselves with cars, fires, knives, or lakes because someone might get hurt. Most adults will not stand by if a child starts throwing blocks through the window or smashing food into the carpet, because this behavior is destructive even if no one is about to get hurt. So why would adults abandon children by expecting them to work things out for themselves when dealing with problems with people?
As adults, we are responsible for creating cultures of caring, respect, and safety for the young people in our lives.
For younger children, positive simple interventions can be very effective in teaching children how to speak up for themselves and to listen to others. For older children, adults can model powerful positive leadership by stepping in to discuss what is going on, stating the values, asking questions to explore whether these values are being met, and exploring options so that everyone can have a good time.
Irene – Thank you so much for your response and invitation to join the online chat. I wish I had discovered Kidpower sooner, as Kidpower’s mission is both constructive and important to parents everywhere. Thank you for your excellent feedback – it is much appreciate.