The Mommy Vortex: Actually, I’m NOT Sorry
During a recent visit to my child’s pediatrician, the doctor walked into our exam room, flustered, and proceeded to tell me what a very busy day she was having. My first reaction was to apologize to her for adding to her already busy day. Yes, I actually apologized for bringing my sick child to the doctor. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it. In my mind, I was simply being nice. But was such an apology really necessary to demonstrate my compassion for her busy day? Where was the fault that would require an apology?
Later that night, my son needed help opening a jar of apple sauce. “Mom?” he asked tentatively, “I’m sorry, but I need help opening this.” I stopped short. Why was he apologizing for asking for help? Then I quickly thought back to the (countless) number of apologies I had uttered in one day to others, just, you know, to be nice. The doctor. The pharmacist. The cashier. The woman who stopped to hold the door open for us. And that was just in a two-hour window.
And now my child was apologizing in order to get my help. Not. Good.
Why did I constantly feel the need to apologize to win favor from others? Why did I need to be so nice all the time? Not that I’d advocate being unkind to anyone. But apologizing for not having done anything is truly disempowering. It is the polar opposite of entitlement.
After the apple-sauce incident, as I looked back and analyzed my behavior I couldn’t deny that by constantly apologizing for nothing, I was continually putting myself in a submissive position around others. And, I had to admit to myself, I was doing it because at some very basic level, I wanted them to like me. I needed them to think I was nice.
To be honest, I’ve always felt the need to connect with pure strangers. I never saw anything wrong with small talk at the bus stop or exchanging pleasantries with the cashier. But apologizing for nothing all the time is just not necessary. It does not equate to being kind or connect us in any meaningful way. It simply says that I don’t think I’m worth another’s time for their help or services.
Normally, it would take me months to unpack that sort of revelation. But my two children are now modeling my behavior.
They should not have to apologize for going to the doctor, asking for assistance at a store, or even for taking some time to contemplate a food order. Nor should I. Apologizing is like saying our time doesn’t matter as much as yours; or, if I’m being truthful, it communicates that I don’t matter, or at least that I don’t matter as much as you.
That sort of thinking is a distinct blow to anyone’s self esteem, especially young children who are still growing into themselves. It is my job as a parent to guide my children on this long, complex, distinctly human journey. And I can’t have them apologizing to others for no reason at all. They are worth more than that, and frankly, so am I.
It is a struggle, but every day I try to catch myself before I utter an “I’m sorry” for the most benign situations. I can do better, yet I’m seeing a change in my children, albeit slowly. It will be a long journey before I’m fully cured of the need to constantly apologize . . . but recognizing that I matter—and communicating to my kids through my behavior that they matter—is a step in the right direction.
Rosemarie Coppola-Baldwin is a practicing attorney and a dedicated mother of a two children. A Georgetown University graduate, Rosemarie has practiced law at a major New York City law firm and for the City of New York. Rosemarie has been a guest lecturer on women’s civil rights and related legal issues at St. John’s University (New York), and offers pro bono legal services to a variety of entities.
Thank you all for your interesting, intriguing, thought-provoking and insightful comments. I appreciate the time you’ve all taken to write and to engage in a dialogue. Keep the feedback coming!
The word ”sorry” is related to the word ”sorrow”. It is a perfectly acceptable word to use when expressing feelings of sympathy. In fact, my dictionary lists that even before mentioning expressions of regret. It is NOT inherently an apology.
I read the above uses of “I’m sorry” not as apologies but as an assertive synonym for “please.” “Please X” invites refusal, but “I’m sorry, but I need X” raises the level of effort required to refuse.
The Japanese lead requests with “I’m sorry,” but in context, the sender and recipient of the message know that there’s no apology in the message, other than an apology for interrupting the recipient.
My best friend and husband both have a terrible habit of apologising when it is unnecessary (and inappropriate really) which my two year old has also picked up on recently. We are trying to train her (2yr old) and the hubby out of it – slowly getting there!
I must say though, I find my best friend gets on a lot better than I do with interactions with people in general. I think they find her less threatening or something. I have noticed that she gets a lot of people on-side with the apologies, where I wouldn’t have in a similar apology-free situation. So I think there can be advantages to it – possibly why people keep doing it.
I too am a habitual apologizer, I thought it had a lot to do with good manners but have questioned my behavior in recent years. Why do I have to be so sorry? Over the past few months I have found my self apologizing to people I accidentally walked into on the street or going through doors at the same time or at the store counter when I can’t get my money out of my wallet to pay quickly enough and I have felt like kicking myself! I have acted up though if my sorry isn’t met by the right reaction I quickly add a “no I’m not” and scuttle away. Lol. I could not agree with you more as parents we need to knock this out of our children.
Veronica those are the situations one should be sorry in surely? Bumping into someone etc it’s called manners. Apologising to one’s Doctor for bringing them your sick child is not necessary.
Loved this blog! Thank you!
This was a hard lesson to learn back when I started teaching students with Autism. I had a bad habit of apologizing and taking blame for things that had absolutely nothing to do with me. I was in a huge meeting with parents, county, the principal, etc, when I apologized for something in a meeting. Afterwards, I was told, “Never apologize like that. It communicates that you are accepting responsibility for something and that’s all the ammunition someone needs after a formal meeting to find you legally responsible.” I learned quickly to rephrase my message..
I also dislike when people say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” or “I’m sorry you took what I said that way.” or things like that.. People really don’t need to apologize for the way I feel because I certainly won’t. All feelings are legitimate – whether they’re appropriate is another story. But I’m not about to apologize for a feeling – no one else should apologize for my feelings either!
In response to the sympathy/empathy thing, I find it irritating when people apologize for things that aren’t their fault out of sympathy or empathy. I might say, “Oh my goodness, I’m achey after that run.” and my husband will saw, “Aw, I’m sorry!”.. 100% of the time, I look at him and say, “That’s kind of you but it’s not your fault.” He now catches himself before saying “I’m sorry” and rethinks it. I would much rather he say something like, “That sucks – we should stretch more before we run!”
I’m sorry can imply sympathy or empathy as much as it can apology. It’s not like we apologize for a death in a friend’s family when we tell someone we’re sorry to hear about their loss. Perhaps by reclaiming the power of the word with all its meanings, you will not be so sorry to be using it in those situations, because there’s really no need to be. You’re not apologizing for no reason, you’re just expressing sympathy or empathy, which is a lovely thing.
Rosemarie,
Bravo! I always appreciate anyone who is able to evaluate their own performance in the job – as a mother or a professional.
Not only have you identified something in your own modeling that you thought needed fine tuning, you’re actually following through and trying to change it. That’s something that I aim to do in my own mothering, whether it’s trying not be dis-empower myself through my people-pleasing ways or brushing through my daily tasks without stopping to really listen to what my children are trying to tell me.
We all have faults. I admire that you’re able to see your own and do something about them.
Sometimes I think all the apologizing we do is merely reflexive. We almost don’t think about it. So, in addition to being disempowering, it’s also disingenuous. Which makes it bad both for us and the person we are speaking the words to.
I find a better tactic is to acknowledge the other person and their issues. For example, with the doctor (whose job is to be busy taking care of sick people – that’s what they sign up for!), it is sufficient to say something like, “I can imagine you have some long days, especially during cold and flu season.” I think that words like this are more effective all around because you don’t give up anything and they acknowledge that you actually heard the other person and care enough to have listened to what they really said (the reflexive ‘I’m sorry’ really doesn’t do that). Most people when they complain really aren’t looking for apologies or for solutions, just to be heard.
Inappropriate apologies are often degrading all around, indicating unworthiness of the gift and the receiver. I also went through a period of time saying sorry for everything before learning to say thank you. Gratitude is a much healthier and rewarding response than self depreciation.
I totally agree. When I first met my partner, he was in the habit of saying sorry for so many things. I’d actually get annoyed by it and say, ‘Why are you apologising? You haven’t done anything wrong/it’s not your fault!’ I felt that by him apologising for so many things, he was making himself lesser, when that’s certainly not the case. Alternatively, when something really is his fault, he tends to forget to say sorry! LOL!!
Thankfully, his habit of apologising for no real reason has died out somewhat and only comes out when he’s stressed or over-tired.
Even when expressing sympathy/empathy to someone, I try to avoid using the words ‘I’m sorry’, and try to opt for something more truthful and useful such as ‘I really feel for you. It must be awful.’
I see no need to say sorry for something that I didn’t do or that isn’t my fault and I don’t want my child to grow up to feel the need to do so.
Thank you for making time to share your thoughts it has been very thought provoking. I am a nurse and find myself apologizing for everything from bad food, discomfort, illness in an attempt to communicate empathy as Charlene describes. Unfortunately it has run over into my non-work life (or visa versa, I am a people pleaser) and has become a very over used phrase. What are your thoughts concerning the line between expression of empathy and the disempowering “I am sorry”?
Thank you
Hi Beth – I do understand that there are times we want to express empathy to others, and many of us (including me) revert to the “I’m sorry” phrase even when the situation is not at all our fault. I have a good friend who is a social worker, and I try to model her behavior and language in certain situations. For example, she will say, “That is awful and it must be very hard going through that.” Or I’ve heard her say, “I feel badly that “x” happened and I want you to know that you have my support.” Her language communicates empathy and validates the other person’s feelings without taking personal responsibility for things that are not your fault. I’ve found it helpful to apply this type of language in various situations; I hope it helps you, too.
Those phrases are very helpful! Thank you.
Thanks, Rosemarie, this was really helpful. I have realized that I do this a lot before, and it is nice to hear someone agrees with me. I have begun to try to not apologize. Now I would like to know, what other things do you suggest instead of an “I’m sorry”? I appreciate the realization, but what can I now do to fix this problem?
Hi Hayley – I think the first step is recognizing the behavior. After that, what I’ve tried to do is use words that are more appropriate to the particular situation. For example, if someone is helping me, I’ll say, “thank you, I appreciate your time,” rather than apologizing to them for taking up their time. Or if I have to interrupt someone, I’ll say, “please excuse my interruption.” I’m learning that there are ways to share my message without apologizing and undermining my self worth. Good luck and thanks for your feedback – Rosemarie
This was great! I didn’t realize how often I was doing this! I was in a classroom shooting where a boy was murdered and had to testify and defend the shooter against a very misguided prosecutor recently. I found and find myself apologizing for this situation continuously. I really related to this article! Awesome reflection!
Dawn – your experience in the classroom must have been awful for you, and I’m sure recovering from such a traumatic event is a long process. Be kind to yourself as you work through the healing, and continue to stay strong. Best, Rosemarie
Rebecca took the words right out of my mouth!!! I too am a mother of 4 (3 girls). I read this article at the most perfect time in my life. I try so hard to make others happy, that I often put my own happiness aside to do so!!!! No more!!!! I too will be bookmarking this and reading it when deemed necessary!! Thanks for sharing!!!
Thanks for your feedback, and good luck!!
I will often say “I’m sorry” when some mishpa occurs or someone is upset or otherwise stressing. My boys have said to me “But it isn’t your fault, Mom, why are you sorry.” I explain that “I’m sorry,” is not always linked with accepting fault. It is an expression of empathy. I feel what you feel and I am sorry you are having a bad day or are frustrated. More than anything I make teaching empathy to my children a priority. I’ve seen the horror of adults who lack it. So good for you Roe. You are raising a boy who has empathy. Who cares for others. Bravo! We know he’l be a loving, caring man one day. Don’t apologize for that.
I’ve learned from the best about teaching empathy
Wow! This article could not be more timely for me. I am a Perpetual People Pleaser and mother of four (three daughters). I worry so often that I’m modeling the exact opposite of the self-confident behavior I’ve always hoped to instill in them. Not only do I apologize for no reason, just to seem “nice,” but I don’t always stick up for my children if I fear the other parent(, teacher, doctor…) might be offended if I do. So bad. But, for once, I am NOT going to apologize. I’m going to bookmark this article, read it when I need to.. and just start doing better. THANK YOU!
I’m so glad this resonated with you, and I hope it can help you, too. I have to remind myself constantly not to apologize…..I know we can do this if we keep at it. Good luck and thanks for your feedback – Rosemarie
This blog really hit home for me, particularly the following:
It is my job as a parent to guide my children on this long, complex, distinctly human journey. And I can’t have them apologizing to others for no reason at all. They are worth more than that, and frankly, so am I.
I am a habitual apologizer for events and things not of my doing. As a parent I want to model better for my daughter and part of that includes modeling a belief in my own self worth. This is too good, I am going to share with the mom’s group at my daughters school.
Thank you!
I know so many of us that apologize for no reason, and I’m glad you could identify with this……here’s to not apologizing for all the right reasons! Thanks for your feedback – Rosemarie