“Mom, I’m Fat:” One Mother’s Inspired Response to Her 7 Year Old
by Janell Hofmann
I am sitting, cross legged, on the bathroom floor trimming my five year old daughters’ toenails. My nine year old son showers his muddy body as I lean against the tub. My three year old daughter wrestles herself into pajamas in her bedroom. My eleven year old son bursts in from football practice and hollers upstairs about reheating leftovers and having a sore throat. My husband is out dropping our minivan off for a tune up. The sun has set and we’re putting another day to rest. In the confusion of this typical weeknight, I glance up from the floor at my seven year old daughter, standing on the step stool, completely undressed, brushing her teeth. I don’t like the way she is looking at herself in the mirror. I don’t like the way she pokes at her belly and frowns at her profile. I watch her for another minute and step in.
“What’s up, girl?” I ask. “I’m fat.” she responds without hesitation. I’m instantly weak. She continues, “My stomach jiggles when I run. I want to be skinny. I want my stomach to go flat down.” I am silent. I have read the books, the blogs, the research. I have aced gender studies, mass media, society and culture courses in college. I have given advice to other mothers. I run workshops and programming for middle school girls. I have traveled across the world to empower women and children in poverty. I am over qualified to handle this comment. But in reality, my heart just breaks instead. I am mush. Not my girl.
I rally some composure and stay cool. “You are built just perfect – strong and healthy.” And she is. But this doesn’t soothe.
I flounder. This child – my first and wildly celebrated daughter – was breastfed girl power. I read picture books with only central female characters, I insisted she wrestle her big brothers, demanded family call her words like smart and brave as much as cute and adorable. I tell her we are all different – straight and thin to round and plump and millions of ways in between. I tell her it’s what makes us all beautiful. Unconvinced.
I send all the other kids away. I shut the door and we sit face to face on the floor. There is more here and I need to see it through. I tell her I looked just like her when I was seven. I tell her she will grow to be tall and strong and fierce, like me. Not good enough. I reach and scramble. I tell her how fast she runs. Remind her of the goal she scored in soccer. What an expert she is on her bike and the amazing balance and tricks she does on her scooter. I remind her of her high level reading, her artwork, her mastery of math facts. “Fat.”
I grow desperate. “Child! What is the first thing everyone tells you when they meet you?” She sighs, “I’m beautiful.” Beauty is not helping me here. I’m failing. Pleading, I ask her why. Her blues eyes meet mine. She tells me on two different occasions friends have called her “kind of fat” when they were talking about bodies this summer in their bathing suits. And she felt sad. But she also felt good because finally she confirmed that what she thought about her body was “mostly true”.
I think a few bad thoughts about her peers and their mothers and wonder what messages are being sent. I am out of tools. And now twenty minutes later, I’m out of patience too. I feel powerless to what seems certain to her. And I cannot understand how she does not see all of life’s perfection in her reflection.
I stand her up on the step stool in front of the mirror. I strip off my yoga pants, my tee shirt, my bra and underwear. We are side by side completely naked together. She laughs. I start singing a song that I’m making up as I go. It’s rap meets Raffi with lyrics like “We are perfect, just the way we are.” It’s wild and silly, but I cannot be stopped. We’re shaking everything, and she’s belly laughing and totally thrilled. I pick her up. We are a ridiculous and magnificent pair. The other kids hear the commotion and barge in. They are confused and horrified. I carry her to the bedroom raving about all the ways we are powerful and naked and women. We settle into comfy pajamas and read a story together. Fat is not mentioned again.
On this night, I have no idea if I have succeeded. I’m not sure if what I said and did had an impact, if I fixed anything, or even if I changed her mind. But I do know that I must continue to infuse myself and my children with bold confidence. I must check in, ask questions, take the time. I must build and undo. I must be open and genuine. I must but willing to dance naked in the mirror, resist the urge to see all the ways five babies have changed me, and stare straight into my reflection with love. Then together, with a twinkle in our eyes, we only see radiance shining back.
Janell Burley Hoffmann is a writer and modern day abolitionist who leads empowerment programs for girls on Cape Cod. She is a lover of life and enjoys the wild ride with her husband and five children ages 12, 9, 7, 5, and 4.
I am retired Registered Community Dietitian/Nutritionist working with the Health Department for many years. I was asked by the Community Nurses to visit various chidren and their Mothers/Fathers at home to discuss the situation with their parents, and also give talks to whole classrooms re proper nutrition and eating habits. It quickly became obvious to me that this isn’t a job for a Dietitian or Nutritionist, it needs Psychiatric help. Depending on the severity of the problem (child acting out etc), that is what happened. One girl had 2 older brothers who excelled academically at school. This poor child had no other way of fighting back than to take things from a store without paying for them, as her marks weren’t as high as her parents would like them to be, so by doing this she had a little control over SOMETHING!!!!Besides that, she started starving herself to loose weight. Her parents still didn’t catch on to this poor girl’s pain. We brought up 3 daughters so we know they act in strange ways sometimes!!!!
I am retired Registered Community Dietitian/Nutritionist working with the Health Department for many years. I was asked by the Community Nurses to visit various chidren and their Mothers/Fathers at home to discuss the situation with their parents, and also give talks to whole classrooms re proper nutrition and eating habits. It quickly became obvious to me that this isn’t a job for a Dietitian or Nutritionist, it needs Psychiatric help. Depending on the severity of the problem (child acting out etc), that is what happened. One girl had 2 older brothers who excelling academically at school. This poor girl had no other way of fighting back than to take things from a store without paying, as her marks weren’t as high as her parents would like them to be, so by doing this she had a little control over SOMETHING!!!!
My heart aches for your pain that you endured through this teachable moment. What an amazing lesson and you handled it with grace and strength. I hope you were able to tap into her psyche and chip away at the damage those mean girls left behind. Always amazes me how young females can tear each other apart so easily. Great job, Mommy!
Thank you for being so open with her. Thank you also for sharing with the rest of us. I hope more girls will be saved because of wonderful actions like yours.
Thank you. Thank you for handling this the best way. I sure wish that more parents/adutls would do this. My mother told me – Lucy, your face is so pretty – if only …… Thank you once again.
What a wonderful and courageous response to one of motherhood’s most difficult situations. I coach many young moms who face this type of situation all the time so thanks for posting such great wisdom! I will post your blog on both of my websites to expand the reach of your wisdom. Thank you!
And what do you do if YOUR body is seriously fat and out of shape? If the very idea of dancing naked is enough to make you quiver with fear? It’s all well and good to say we are beautiful just the way we are – but some of us would make even you with your wonderful ideas of girl power and acceptance turn away in disgust – then what?
Your post breaks my heart. Our problems and fears become our children’s. Face your own fears and you will teach your children to do the same. And quite frankly, the further you are from “perfect” the better. The message will ring loud and clear when they see a parent who is so clearly flawed love and repect themselves anyway.
My daughters are grown and we have a great relationship. I’m just saying not everyone can break through their own horrible body image and feel good about themselves. But in general, I agree with what you say!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!
This is FANTASTIC!! I’m a health coach, and I work with a number of overweight individuals. I help them implement gentle, sustainable lifestyle changes, and they come out of our program looking and feeling better – but in the beginning, self esteem is such a difficulty for many of them.
I LOVE what you did with your daughter. I wish there was a more obvious way I could do this with clients – a naked dance with them could land unending trouble, and likely a few lawsuits to boot, haha!
Beautiful. You found THE solution. I have body image issues too (they come to all sensitive people trapped in our superficial society) and I wish my mother had done the naked dance with me when I was 7.
Your daughter is lucky to have you. Keep up the good work and she’ll grow into a well balanced human being.
I don’t have children, nor am I married. I’m a recent college graduate and I am sitting here in tears. I have believed that I was fat since I was eight years old. I’m almost twenty-four now and I still struggle with my self-image on a daily basis. I wish my mom had done for me what you did for your daughter. Thank you.
From your gorgeous profile picture, I can easily tell that what you say is not true. You are beautiful, don’t compare yourself to any other. You are above that.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t deal with the issue. People need to be able to accept themselves and other regardless of their weight, not just disregard it. By dealing with her daughters perception of herself instead of dismissing it, she told her that she should love herself no matter what, not just hat she’s not fat.
That said, parents should be able to deal with things however they see fit, at long as it it not harmful to their child.
So refreshing to read this as I just recently had this experience with my beautiful, strong,assertive 8 year old daughter. I didn’t have the dance idea, but now thanks to this well written piece:) I do! Thank you!
I have a 3 year old and 5 year old – both girls. I’m sitting here in tears – absolutely beautiful and empowering post.
Love this…can relate and have done the Same with my daughter!!
I have done the naked dance with my daughter – so glad to see other women doing this – we are all perfect in our own way…
WOW! Truly inspirational.
so beautiful, it made me weep. Thank you for your courage, your fierceness, for your openness. beautiful.
This brought tears to my eyes. I was so touched and I would truly wish everyones mother was so absolutely wonderful. Wouldn’t the world be a much better place. She needs a very big pat on the back. I think she will get much more than that when her children grow up healthy, happy and accepting human beings.
what a great artical!!!! thank you for sharing. i wish every mother would be this passionate about how their children feel about how others veiw them physicaly. i think weve all come accross this problem weither its because they are to thin to fat to tall to short its a hard tough world out there. every little girl and boy deserves to love them selves for what they are not what others would like them to be.