Fiona’s Blog: Barbie Boys, Tomboys & Gender Rules in Childhood
I just gave a three-year-old boy a Barbie for his birthday, and it got me thinking about how girls have won the ability to wear jeans, have short hair, and “be sporty,” but boys still have to struggle to appear as masculine as possible.
When I was a little girl, I loved dressing up as princesses, warriors, police-women, and baseball stars. Girls of my generation, for the most part, are able to express themselves in whatever way they please, whether it be wearing nothing but pink, or insisting for a year that everyone call them “Fred,” because their real name is “too girly.” While it is definitely true, that adolescence brings numerous obstacles for girls, in terms of sexual identities, most little girls are free to be whomever they please.
Unfortunately this is still not the case for most young boys. When I was little, I had a friend who loved to paint his toenails, but as you can imagine, this was a short-lived hobby that died the day he wore sandals to pre-school. My three-year-old acquaintance who just had a birthday loves animals and wants to be a vet. Naturally, when he saw “Veterinarian Barbie” in the toy store he wanted it very badly. I was excited and happy that he was independent enough to want a Barbie, but I have to wonder how much longer he will be enamored of his toy after his friends see it.
I frequently babysit and I have heard kids as little as one or two years old talk about something being “only for girls” or “a girl’s toy.” While a girl can own a baseball bat, GI Joe, or firefighter outfit, it is still unacceptable for a boy to own a doll.
When little girls “act like boys,” we call them “tom-boys.” When I was younger, I remember being familiar with the term “tom-boy,” because I had read it in books, but I never actually heard someone be called a “tom-boy” in a demeaning way. In fact, I think most girls my age thought “tom-boys” were pretty cool.
When little boys “act like girls,” we call them “sissies,” “pretty-boys,” “pussies,” or sometimes “gay.” As of now, there doesn’t seem to be a cool or socially accepted way for a boy to act or dress in a way we associate with girls.
I guess in some ways it evens out, since most teenage boys seem to have a lot fewer identity problems than teenage girls, and seem generally less insecure about their appearance, but I have to wonder if this is because they face more peer-pressure at a young age than girls do. We grow up believing we can do and be anything we want—a precedent that sets us up for disappointment come adolescence and judgmental teenage peers. Boys, on the other hand, seem to have to face this pressure earlier on, which might make them stronger once they do reach their teens.
I don’t know which is easier or better, and of course I wish we could continue being, wearing, and acting however we want for our entire lives without criticism and judgment from others.
I’ve always thought that if I’m a mother, I want my child to feel like he or she can be whoever they want; I’ve always assumed it would be harder to achieve this with a daughter. Now, I realize boys and girls face different pressures to fit gender specific roles at different points in their lives.
My generation has obviously come a long way from my mother’s (when most girls wanted to be secretaries, schoolteachers, or moms), so maybe my son’s generation will embrace his painted toenails. Until then…stay strong, Barbie boys!
Fiona Lowenstein is a rising high school senior, weekly guest blogger and Girls Leadership Institute alumna. Read more of her work here.
Okay, it is possible that very interesting.
Thanks for sharing.
As a mom of almost grown kids… it bothers me that boys who exhibit more “feminine” traits are constantly assumed to be or teased to be gay. It SO bothers me that kids use the word “flaming”, even among friends. They use gay language to describe a guy who is artistic, into drama or fashion – even when he’s never considered the gay lifestyle.
In a true story, one teen boy was pushed over the edge by all the assumptions of friends, the free use of the word “flaming” and the girl he liked who didn’t even consider him an option.
For all of the “it gets better” videos that inspire the alternative lifestyles; we also need videos that say “yes, as a straight guy with flair, it also gets better! There will be a time you are respected for your art, your dramatic flair AND you’ll find a woman who loves it in you too.”
I love this post Fiona!
Recently I took my three year old boy to get a pedicure with me. We had a blast. He picked out my color and his. He was thrilled! Still innocent from the fact that that he may get made fun of. I felt horrible feeling that way.
The other day I took him to camp. He started to cry and said that he wanted to go home. He sat down and refused to move. He was crying and screaming that he wanted to wear his sneakers. At first I thought he was just being difficult. I was irritated. I then sat down with him and asked him what he was feeling. He whispered to me that he was wearing his sandals and he was afraid that the kids would make fun of his toenail polish again.
There it was. In that moment, the world turned for him. A curtain was lifted onto the ways that boys “should be”.
We trudge through this daily.
My sister told me once “Raise your boys more like girls and your girl more like a boy”. It has been the best advice. As usual, my big sister rules!
Thank you for posting Fiona.
Annika – Mother of three
Thank you for this great comment
My boy (10) is very sporty & really into popular. But he is more than willing play Barbies with his 12 year old sister, wear clear or green polish, & cook with Dad in the kitchen. Maybe because my husband stayed home with the kids until the youngest started Kinder & has always done all the cooking for us, that our kids don’t buy into rigid gender roles. My girl likes building robots and playing sports, but still sleeps with a baby doll & loves all things pink & sparkly. You can raise a more gender neutral kid, but I’ve found that she is definitely happiest doing girly things & he loves anything involving a ball! (Although recently finding my Ken doll was a thrill for my son!)
Great post. I’m constantly aware of this with my nephew, and it’s a little heartbreaking. I think the male gender role is pretty clearly more narrow, as you point out here — but I think there’s a related issue of masculinity (still) being more valued than femininity. For a girl to be — or want to be — like a boy makes “sense” to us socially, because we value those traits. (See: our admiration for the tomboy.) The traits of femininity, on the other hand, are still undervalued, so it’s harder for us to allow anyone — especially boys — to take them on. So-called feminine interests are (supposedly) superficial, weak, silly, etc. So, while it makes “sense” to us, culturally, that girls would want to branch out of their role, we cannot always understand why boys would want to do the same. In some ways, it’s about letting boys do the girly thing, as you have here, and in others, it’s about realizing “girly” has value, period.
Wow. That’s such an interesting point about it making sense for a girl to want to be like a boy. I didn’t even think of that. Thanks for your insightful comment!
Fantastic post! Virtually from birth, boys are pressured to conform to a very narrow definition of masculinity. It is so upsetting to see little boys denied a chance to explore their interests in things like dolls, toy kitchens, and nail polish simply because an adult has decided those activities are too feminine. In order to bring about change, we need to talk about the gender roles assigned to boys, and it is great to see you doing that here!
Thanks so much for your comment!