Is Your Best Friend Your Bully?
Dear Rachel,
I have a friend who puts me down a lot and points out all the wrong things about me, but I have to be friends with her because I have no other friends — well best friends, that is. I want a friend who I can invite over and she won’t point out that my shirt doesn’t match or I am stupid because I am not in advanced math like her. Plus she ditches me for other people. Will I ever find a friend? What should I do?
–S.
Dear S.,
Okay, huge, huge hug from me. That’s the first thing.
Next: This girl is not your friend, okay? Friends don’t put you down a lot. They don’t point out the things that are wrong about you. They don’t tell you that you’re stupid or ditch you for other people.
This girl? She’s not your friend. She’s your bully. If you think a bully is some big dude in the schoolyard who steals people’s lunch money, you’ve only got part of the story. Truth is, girls often bully their friends. Crazy, right? But it’s true. Too many girls put up with terrible behavior from their friends because they keep calling them “friends.”
So what are you going to do? First of all, I want you to talk to an adult or friend you trust about what’s happening. Don’t go through this alone. Second, I want you to stop calling this girl a friend, at least in your head. There is no such thing as a part time friend. It’s 24-7 or nothing. Feel me?
Third, you need to start friend dating. That’s right, friend dating. Just like people who get dumped romantically need to play the field and meet someone new, the same thing is true when you need to make a new friend. Put yourself in situations where you can meet new girls. Join a new club or team. Sit down at a new lunch table. Ask a girl you like if you can be partners on a project. Chat or text someone you want to get to know better. Trust me. I’ve done it – I’m doing it right now, actually. It’s not always easy, and sometimes you get duds – just like real dates. But sometimes you click, and it’s awesome.
Should you tell your NOT-friend to stop treating you like that? Sure, if you want to. You can give her a chance to change. But I don’t have a good feeling about her at all. I think you should move on and find someone who can respect and love the awesomeness that is you.
Remember: part time jobs are okay. Part time friends: NEVER.
Take care, good luck, and let me know what happens!!
Rachel
This always happens to me and I just want to leave but we’ve been “bffs” for 7 years and no will hang out with me beacause of her!!!what should I do??
Me too! (Except it’s just one of my friends) It’s so good to know that I’m not alone
I’ve got the same problem just twice as much. Both of my best friends take me for granted. They often leave me for other kids on the playground and they often show me my mistakes and always try to outdo me. Everything for them seems to be a competition. They also try and copy any good idea that I have pretending that it is their idea. I can never tell which day they will be nice to me or mean to me.
It’s just sooooooo stupid… : ( she’s always taking advantage of me
Dear Rachel,
I really need your help! So my so-called BFF is super jealous of me, always tells me she hates me, and is never happy for me when I succeed. : ( Just recently she told me that she didn’t believe that was a good enough dancer to choreograph the dance for our school talent show! It really hurt me because I basically eat and sleep dancing…I’m just sick and tired of her thinking that she can just boss me around like that and that I’ll just listen to her and she can act like we’re best friends again….when if I said anything to her, she would go off and ignore me for weeks….I’m. Just sick and tired of being abused by my no good best friend when i’ve absolutely nothing wrong. Please help me Rachel. I really need you.
Dear Rachel,
I really need your help! So my so-called BFF is super jealous of me, always tells me she hates me, and is never happy for me when I succeed. : ( Just recently she told me that she didn’t believe that was a good enough dancer to choreograph the dance for our school talent show! It really hurt me because I basically eat and sleep dancing…I’m just sick and tired of her thinking that she can just boss me around like that and that I’ll just listen to her and she can act like we’re best friends again….when if I said anything to her, she would go off and ignore me for weeks….I’m. Just sick and tired of being abused by my no good best friend when i’ve absolutely
dear rachel,
I used to be really close friends(best friends) with this girl, but she left me for a new friend, because she thinks she`s gonna get all the boys, and she thinks she will be more popular. This all happened when i was away from school because i had gotten mono, it really makes me sad, because i became really close with her and then she completley went for this other girl, who is really mean! i try my best to just ignore them, but it`s really hard because she was my bestfriend and we did everything together. I dont care for anyone else at my school cause they dont have the ssame personalities as me or the same interests..i feel like i have no friends, and im really stressed out about it, cause i wanna be her friend, but i dont wanna make her my friend, i want her to be happy to be my friend! I tried to ask her if she hated me or why she wont talk to me, but her answer was i dunno. It really annoys me because at school they dont include or talk to me, and i feel like the other girl is stealing my bestfriend, it`s almost like the other girl wants me to be jelous that she`s bestfriends with my bestfriend!
I am 12 and I have a similar problem, my bff Jadyn puts me down and spreads rumoes and called me bad names and makes me cry. I don’t lobe her but I have to fall her my best friend bc she is popular enough to ruin my life so I understand what your going through..
hi rachel
u probably helped a lot of girls with friendship but mine might be too comlicated and stupid.
i have this bff well sort off but she could put me down and wonder why did i leave her house and the next thing shell do is call someone else and hang around with them and when she fights with them she just calls me and will say shes ever so sorry and this happens all thetime and at school its not bad but when i ask someone to go round to my house they make up such stupid excuses as no im goint to kfc with my family or i have to take a shower i absolutely hate my life and sure that i will never have proper friends.:( xx
First I feel so sorry for you, I know you probably don`t want people to feel sorry for you, I totally feel the same way. My friend, especialy with her boyfriend at lunch, will make fun of me and say stuff like “you don`t know” and its usally something perverted, but it`ll make me feel soooo stupid. The reason I said that is so you know you`re not alone, wich is always good. but if i knew you and stuff i would totally be you`re friend.just don`t worry youll find agood friend,, just have faith. and for your friends try telling them how you feel. (NOTE: not trying to be a therapist or tell you what to do, just giving you some advice.
Hello Rachel,
I am friends with a bully because if i didn’t be friends with her then she would take my bestfriends away from me and bully me and do horrible stuff too me, and i am too scared to stand up and do stuff in class because im not friends with her! I dont know what to do! AND I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, I DONT WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH A BULLY WHO I GET SCARED OFF. AND WHO TAKES MY FRIENDS AWAY FROM ME
hey im a sixth grader and people hate me and i dont know why the only thing is that i dont take baths
ok first of all thats stupid what you said thats so obvious what im going to say take a bath and people might start talking to you like im a sixth grader and anyway you will fell much fresher after baths or showers! good luck!
a) try batheing/showering b) im sure somebody likes you c) do a. d)if people are being really mean tell a teacher e) do a.
that is my advice to you.
I love all your things you put up on this wonderful website i am 38 and my teenage daughter comes home late drunk and smelling like drugsi think she is hving sex i dont know what to do can you please help me
Hey Rachel. So I can tell that my daughter has had sex but she just wont admit it to me , how do i ask her? How do i react?
How can you possibly even kind of know that? But if you believe she has, then ask her and look for fidgety eyes, hands, or uncomfortable body language, or if she gets angry all of the sudden. But find proof first. Don’t punish her without proof.
my two best friends put me down all the time and they beat me up like hitting, kicking and slapping i get so upset and they say it’s only a joke
This question and answer has helped me realize a lot about true friendship and what people think is friendship! Thank you Rachel for answering this question and thank you S for asking this question, it must have taken alot of courage and it really got me thinking about some not so nice girls in my own school and ho much I appreciate my real friends.
Rachel, I adore just about everything you write and this one is no exception! This is exactly what I am writing about in Friendship & Other Weapons. I love that so many of us are working on this together and I hope we can make a difference for young girls!
Signe
Thank you so much for this question, and for answering it, Rachel! I am embarrassed to admit that even though I am seventeen and should have realized this a long time ago, I only recently came to terms with the fact that my “best friend” is definitely my biggest bully. After too many years of allowing her to make me feel bad about myself, I now finally understand that she is not someone who truly cares about me. Instead, it is time for me to separate myself from her and to surround myself with those who love and support me for me.
The timing of this is unbelievable. My 10 year old daughter has been dealing with this for a while with her BFFAEAEAE (as they say). Last night it broke my heart to see her talk how this girl has been saying mean things to her and how sad/upset/stressed this has made her as she tries to figure out why. The other girl even turns it around on her and tells other girls my daughter is the one being mean, and then acts all nice around the adults.
My 9 yr old is going thru a similar situation……..what advice did you ever get regarding your daughter?
Rachel, Thank you so much for these messages of comfort. New Moon sees too often these damaging effects of girls bullying when they think they are being friends. It is not okay and it is not acceptable. PLease check out our website, newmoongirls.com, where we create a healthy environment for girls to get to know each other, encourage each other and share together.
Thought you might like this
Rachel,
This is wonderful. I plan to share this with my almost nine year old daughter. It is painful to watch her learn this lesson, but I think reading your words will help.
THANK YOU!~
My 8yr has been experiencing being bullied by her “bff” lately. They are still So little to be experiencing that. It’s a shame. This girl has been her friend since kindergarten, now in 3rd grade they are friends out of school but during school she join forces with 2 other mean girls and ignores my daughter and talks behind her back to other girls rolls her eyes when my daughter waves at her in school…I m So upset to see my baby being bothered by the situation. Please send me an advice…..
Hi Erika, I saw your situation and thought I would give some advice. I have been bullied before even by the person that doesn’t seem like a friend to me anymore. Well first of all I would just keep walking until I would reach the classroom. Second of all, I would if I were her try to talk to the other girls in the class and find somebody else to play with and many other things. Also try to get to know girls in the neighborhoood better and have your daughter try to make new friends:):)
Hey Erika, Um I would just have your daughter tell her friend that roll her eyes when she says hi to her in the hall that I would like still be friends but you have been mean to me and can you please stop that or talk to the girls parents about the situation and have your daughter tell them all the things that she does to her:)