Is Your Best Friend Your Bully?

By | May 19th, 2011 | 337 comments

Dear Rachel,

I have a friend who puts me down a lot and points out all the wrong things about me, but I have to be friends with her because I have no other friends — well best friends, that is. I want a friend who I can invite over and she won’t point out that my shirt doesn’t match or I am stupid because I am not in advanced math like her. Plus she ditches me for other people. Will I ever find a friend? What should I do?


Dear S.,

Okay, huge, huge hug from me. That’s the first thing.

Next: This girl is not your friend, okay? Friends don’t put you down a lot. They don’t point out the things that are wrong about you. They don’t tell you that you’re stupid or ditch you for other people.

This girl? She’s not your friend. She’s your bully. If you think a bully is some big dude in the schoolyard who steals people’s lunch money, you’ve only got part of the story. Truth is, girls often bully their friends. Crazy, right? But it’s true. Too many girls put up with terrible behavior from their friends because they keep calling them “friends.”

So what are you going to do? First of all, I want you to talk to an adult or friend you trust about what’s happening. Don’t go through this alone. Second, I want you to stop calling this girl a friend, at least in your head. There is no such thing as a part time friend. It’s 24-7 or nothing. Feel me?

Third, you need to start friend dating. That’s right, friend dating. Just like people who get dumped romantically need to play the field and meet someone new, the same thing is true when you need to make a new friend. Put yourself in situations where you can meet new girls. Join a new club or team. Sit down at a new lunch table. Ask a girl you like if you can be partners on a project. Chat or text someone you want to get to know better. Trust me. I’ve done it – I’m doing it right now, actually. It’s not always easy, and sometimes you get duds – just like real dates. But sometimes you click, and it’s awesome.

Should you tell your NOT-friend to stop treating you like that? Sure, if you want to. You can give her a chance to change. But I don’t have a good feeling about her at all. I think you should move on and find someone who can respect and love the awesomeness that is you.

Remember: part time jobs are okay. Part time friends: NEVER.

Take care, good luck, and let me know what happens!!


337 Responses to “Is Your Best Friend Your Bully?”

  • Angel says:

    This blog has really helped me open my eyes to understand my current situation. Reading the other stories from other users that are also being bullied has made me realize that this girl from my group of college friends is a bully and she’s bullying me. Everything was fine until she joined our section block and eventually joined our group of friends. She started off nice and helpful and very fun to be around, but now she’s been nothing but rude and insulting towards me and my other friends. She’s already made me cry twice behind closed doors because she constantly targets me. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve decided to start distancing myself from the group just to get away from her. Friends are not supposed to treat you like crap, so it’s clear that she’s not a friend of mine.

  • A says:

    I’m tired of my so called “Bestfriends” one minute she acts like “HEY BESTIE…” and the next she excludes me and makes me want to cry. She thinks I’m trying to become popular, but who cares about popularity anymore. She was jealous of my shoes so she got the same pair. Idk what to think anymore. Someone please help. Also my brother is dating my enimie which hurts me. Someone please help before I fall into a black hole.

  • sophia says:

    Dear rachel
    There is my friend who is like really good at everything. She keeps on showing off and thinks shes so cool. At the start of year 7 she was all really shy and nice to everyone and not a show off and now she flirts with every boy and flips hr hair and pretends to be so sporty and pretty and good-at-everything and says such mean things about me. Shes now only a normal friend rather than a bff as she as ditches me for one of my good friends and they keep whispering about me. She asks me all my secrets and eats all of lunch food. She keeps saying shes really bad at maths and english when shes the beat and that makes me feel so hurt because im like only average at them. She keeps treating me like her slave and uses me and steals all of my other friends in other forms to be popular. She hits me like im a punch bag and laughs every time she slaps ad punches me and i try to ignore it but then she continues and she keeps on blackmailing me. I don want to be her friend but i have to be her friend because shell make my life so bad. Every night i cry myself to sleep and i want to commit suicide now i hate my life. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME I AM SO SCARED.

    • Kennedy K says:

      It’s ok I am dealing with the same thing but it is no reason to commit suiside God has a plan for all of this so trust me even though you don’t know me actually trust in God that he will fix everything

    • l says:

      please tell someone you trust about your friend’s behavior–that is not ok or cool to treat you like that–it is not your fault.please don’t give up or believe what she tells you about yourself–not true at all!try to distance yourself from this person and tell an adult what you are going through.don’t hurt yourself because of this girl or any other reason ever–you are priceless,sweetie!you deserve better than this!hugs!

    • AK says:

      This is happening to me too. I wish there was something I could do. i am always crying I need help ;(

  • Erika says:

    Dear Rachel,
    I’m in high school in year 8. I have friends who I hang out with, but one of my friends excludes me a lot now probably because I’m too boring or too quiet and shy. But most of the times she’s very needy like one time there was a new friend in our class, we were friends too. But then she ( the needy friend) kept on saying ‘sit here!’ sit here! in every class, and it’s so annoying 🙁 🙁 Thats the not the only time she’s done that… She did that last year to my friends too. This lead to me being lonely and rejected. please help! what can I do?

  • Lissy says:

    There is more she also always says that I should always make sure that I have spear makeup in my bag just bc it would be imbarasing for every one to c my normal face bc I look horrid 😔 One time we even went to town and she made me buy makeup to put on saying my effort was perfetic 😣Lissy x

  • Lissy says:

    Hi I have this best friend who lately has been going off and ditching me this has made me really upset and the girl she’s going off with is trying to be just like her she go the same coat the same bag every thing there making me feel really left out it also doesnt help that when ever I eat me lunch at school with her she always makes me eat more then I want saying I’m to skinny and that it makes me look ill another way she makes me feel down is that one time we got asked if we would rather be voted smarter or best looking and she went straight in saying best looking then when I said smartest she went mad saying that I’m only saying that because I’m dumb and that I’m ugly now and no one would vote one other time was recent we had a sleepover and I had a photo of me that I looked horrible in and she new it then she went and posted it on sodial media to let every one c on my account I got so upset and didn’t say anything after she continued to say how ugly that photo looked and that I was trying to look good looking the only time I do t think about this is when I’m doing art but I can’t get a day without her saying that I’m just a wanna be artist and making fun of my drawings. I would go and find a new best friend but the thing is everyone already has one so now I just stay with her and put up with us the only other place to go would be to the group of girls I’m kinda friend d with but only 2 like me please can you help me xx lissy

  • Random girl says:

    I have a best friend. She is fit/thin, very very pretty, cute, smart, and she’s just awesome. She’s my best friend but, she sometimes is mean to me. Me and her share food (we pretend we are sister lol), and I remember one time I was sitting with her and I asked her what her fav dessert was. She said cake. I said that I didn’t have a favourite dessert, and she said it’s because I’m fat. There was also another time when I ask for a little bit of her chocolate, and she said no, your too fat. Spthere are many other times she has called me fat and been mean to me. All the boys like her. I can’t describe my feelings for her anymore. I don’t know if I like her, or if I don’t. I don’t know if I’m jealous, or if I’m not. I just don’t know. Anyways, she has hit me, laughed at me, called me fat, showed off, bragged, treated me poorly, and I don’t know how to feel about this anymore. What should I do?

    • A says:

      Hey there! It’s ok..There are people out there that treat others poorly to make them look like the spotlight. But just confess to her what you don’t like. If she doesn’t give up, then report it to a teacher, friend, family, or adult. Take care of the situation. No one should ever be teased about their weight. Never let anyone put you down because you are who you are! You were born and shaped that way. You are truly beautiful. Let your light shine. And don’t let anyone dim it.
      I have never met you but i know that you are truly a beautiful and perfect girl just the way you are💚

  • Lauren says:

    Hey, its ok. I am going through the same thing, everyone who was once my best friends friend has told me she can be really mean and I always ignored it but today I finally see it, she told me “I care more about popularity then her, and that Im using her for popularity” that hurts ok we are apparently “best friends” but who says that and then after that she goes with one of our friends and starts posting love my best friend and its a picture of the other girl. I am sick to my stomach and I quite honestly don’t want to talk to her ever again.

  • A says:

    Please Help Me! My close friend at school is blocking me on Instagram and gossiping bad things about me to my friends so that I have no one to hang out with. Now I’m stuck wondering what to do? I just want to curl up in a blanket and cry. I have been
    Crying for the past 2 hours. But inside I feel soulless and weird. How do I stop the rumors? Also people are believing her! Can anyone give advice or help me???

    • The Queen of Light says:

      Just ignore them and go to school in your best looks and if they come to talk to you tell them “if you believe her then it’s your loss cause no one has the right to even give you a bad stare if it is not true they’re just rumors and rumors aren’t always true and I never met you but deep down in my heart I know that you’re an amazing person. You can stand up to this thing.

  • Leah says:

    This girl who I call my friend has a very rough family and she is quiet popular be she’s of her sisters.if you argue with her she will threaten her with her family who is quiet hard. I also have a close friend who I’ve known my entire life but we drifted apart for a little while but we are getting close Agajn but most of the school gates her but mostly that girl.. If I hang around with the girl who everyone hates I start to get hate especially from my so-called popular friend,. I always say to the, you can’t choose who my friends are but they don’t listen. This is the most pathetic thing… This s called popular friend makes me swear on my mums life to not talk or smile at her when walking past her in the corridor and say eww when I see her so it’s like she’s making me become a hilly which obviously I don’t do any of those things. Basicly what I’m trying to say is I know she’s one of those toxic friends but if I split up with her I know exactly what she’s capable of. She can get other popular girls to start bulling me and get her family coming down my house and the school won’t do Shit except give her detention… I’m worried I’m going to turn out like my other friend . I do have other friends to hang around with but don’t mean she won’t get people on me and to top it all off she’s in all of my classes. What do I do?

  • E says:

    The same thing is happening to me.

    • Cara says:

      I know right i just dont know what to do.

    • I am being bullied by my friends and I want to commit suicide

      • The Queen of Light says:

        DO NOT THINK THAT!!! committing suicide is not the solution to the problem. There are a million solutions for your problem. I’mean 13 years old and I swear that I was bullied most of my life. It isn’t a pleasant thing…at all. I don’t know what to tell you but thinking about committing suicide isn’t the solution. It’s a disaster.

        • Tamara says:

          I am 9 and I have a friend who try’s to make me not friends with my other friends she always says that I have mental isues when I don’t she says I have a bad sing voice and that I look ugly she lies too me all the time and excludes me from games can someone help me plx

  • cara says:

    Hi Rachel i’m Cara (as you can see) nearly everyday my supposed “bestfriend” makes very sarcastic jokes about me and tries to intimidate me and my other bestfriend that we are apparently in a “relationship” when we’re not we’re just good friends.Also, she black mails me she’s like “if you don’t get me a toasty i will annoy you and she always goes just kidding when we’re infront of everyone else but when its just me and her walking alone she says the same thing more seriously and i don’t like it when she annoys me so i do what she says and sometimes she’s nice sometimes she isn’t she’s a very confusing person i dont know what to do anymore i feel stuck and lost. I did tell my parents they said i have till Monday to sort it out and i dont know what to do or say to her.I feel like she’s manplinating me into thinking she’s nice so i just dont know what to do! please help me

  • Help me says:

    Hi I need someone to help me I don’t know what to do about my situation and it’s gotten to out of hand and I just can’t take it anymore. I have a group of friends there are seven of us including myself. Six of these people who I call my friends are constantly bulling me. Two of them are occasionally nice to me but only when they want something from me. The people who I call my friends are talking to me behind my back, leaving my out of the things we do as a group, never letting me participate in playing in sports like volleyball and basketball, making up rumors, they are also saying a lot of rude things to my face. I occasionally miss school because I’m “sick” so I can get away from my “friends”. I don’t know what to do anymore they are starting tumors talking about me even more says one of my best friends who is in the “group”. That “best friend” is now believing the rumors and won’t talk to me anymore. I have only two actual friends and they both live in different towns so I don’t see them a lot. I’m so lonely. It’s gotten so bad that I can’t make any new friends in school. I’ve tried but then they just say sorry but the group you where in said that everyone needs to just stay away from you they told us everything you’ve done. I haven’t went to school or practice for any sports in the past 4 days. I’m scared to go back and I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help me.

  • Audrey says:

    Okay, this is a note to anyone who can REALLY help me. So, there’s this girl in my class and EVERYONE is afraid of her. And now she hates me. So now what? I have no clue. My friends love hanging out with her because they like to pick up shit she says about me. Now, they’re becoming like her SLAVES or something and they mostly hang out with her now. I want to talk to them but I’m afraid they’ll just laugh at me. I don’t know who to talk to anymore since I don’t really have anyone to talk to now. :T can anyone help me?

  • SilentVictim says:

    Hi. Someone help me 🙁 I’m on the brink of leaving my school. The girls there bully me and spread lies about me. The boys flip my skirt and squeeze my boobs and other areas. I was once on my way from school and a gang of them held me down in a park and tried to touch me but I managed to run away. The girls get the boys to do this stuff. I’m in year 7 btw. HELP ANYONE THAT SEES THIS PLEASE REPLY YOU MIGHT BE MY HERO 🙁

    • Emma says:

      Tell someone! Tell your parents, tell your teachers, tell your form tutor and head teacher, tell the police. This behaviour is highly illegal and they deserve to be held accountable, they are sexually assaulting and abusing you. Go to the police with your parents, this is a big deal but there isn’t anything I can do, or anyone can do, via the internet. It will be hard, but try to write down everything they have done, who they are, the times and dates of things that happened. Keep records of everything, times, dates, places, people. Take pictures of any bruises, print off any social media or online bullying. Seek help somewhere that isn’t the internet as soon as you possibly can.

      This shouldn’t be happening to you, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sending you all of my love, my support, my well wishes. Do you have a sibling you can talk to? If yes, go and ask them for a hug right now, ok? It will get better, they will remember what they have done and it will hang over their heads for the rest of their miserable lives, this horrible experience will make you stronger. Well done for fighting them, and well done for asking for help. You are very brave. You will beat them.

      • Michelle says:

        She is right you need to tell a trusted adult and make this known. This is not ok. They need to be exposed for what they are doing to you. I am so sorry for what you are going through. They are pathetic. Please have an adult call the authorities and your school. And don’t let this incident haunt you. You have your whole life ahead of you. Stay strong and stand up for yourself.

    • A says:

      Hello. If someone is sexually abusing you. Report them! And tell them strait up to their face that its not ok. They need to drop it and stop it! I love you and you are an awesome girl. Never let anyone treat you like this😘

    • The Queen of Light says:

      You have to complain about them. Do not get scared of them. Tell your parents and your school’so principal. They will stop them…forever.

  • Loli says:

    I know my best friend since we were in kindergarden, but now she told I’m bullying her because soetimes I said she’s fat. But the truth is, I don’t think she’s fat, but many times she said other ugly things to me and I answeared that she’s fat in a protection way. I think she’s using the word “bullying” wrong. Bullying is more than just a few comments and I told her that and we had a fight and it’s been a month since she told me she doesn’t want to be my friend or talk to me. I feel realy bad about how our “friendship” is going and I want her back, but I don’t know what to do, because I don’t know if she misses me or not. She doesn’t show any expression of sadness or even feeling lonely. What should I do?

    • A says:

      Same thing is happening to me too! Ink what to do though too. My friend takes it the wrong way. I’m tired of her calling me too skinny and other things

  • Sam says:

    Dear Rachel
    I have a “friend” who is changing in a bad way. He acts like we are friends one day, and the next he is say mean things in a group chat we are in. I have known him for about 3 years. I believe he has changed for his crush. She was in a “popular” group. Anyways I really don’t know what to do. He is mean to me and my other friends and it breaks my heart that we can’t be friends. He was so nice at first. He is just so different in front of that group of girls.

  • Other girl says:

    It will turn out ok just tell an adult you trust besides if that doesn’t work the competiton will be over soon and everything will be back to normal!!! Trust me I’ve been through it…🙁

  • Thatoneweirdo says:

    Dear Rachel,
    There is a girl who I am friends with. She is awesome at English, and often gets praised by the teacher for writing. She is funny and sarcastic, and remained a good friend until today.
    A few weeks back, we got back our test results for English and the teacher announced that I had gotten a higher score by just a fraction of a point. Normally she gets the highest score. I was looking around, surprised, since I did not expect the score. I then saw her glaring at me.
    I have only mentioned my score once, on that day, but she acts like I swagger everywhere and announce my score.
    Then today I had a spelling test, and halfway through the test, the teacher said that these huge awards were coming up(like with trophies and presentations on a special day). She said that attitude also matters in choosing tests. She gave an example, which turned out to be me and my friend, but unnamed. The teacher said that one person may get the margin I won over her by, and literally saying that she had a better work ethic than me. Also, I am certain that my friend is the teacher’s pet(but she is a good teacher, so last year I didn’t that much of it). My friend gave me a glare so full of fury and anger that I cowered in my seat.
    I actually don’t care about the awards as they only spawn hate for the competitors. My teacher knows nothing of how my friend treats my other friends away from school or in the playground. I talked to another one of my close friends, and she agrees with me that my friend desperately wants that award.
    I am really hurt by her and am too afraid to speak to anyone, as our mums are friends and as I mentioned before, my teacher favours her even if I refuse to believe it and is highly respected by others.

    • A says:

      Hey girl. Its ok. Don’t ever be scared to report this issue. These incidents happen all the time. Just be calm.if she gets the award be happy for her. Support her and be confident in who you are. Some people change. Change is a state of humans. Never give up😘

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