Is Your Best Friend Your Bully?

By | May 19th, 2011 | 346 comments

Dear Rachel,

I have a friend who puts me down a lot and points out all the wrong things about me, but I have to be friends with her because I have no other friends — well best friends, that is. I want a friend who I can invite over and she won’t point out that my shirt doesn’t match or I am stupid because I am not in advanced math like her. Plus she ditches me for other people. Will I ever find a friend? What should I do?

–S.

Dear S.,

Okay, huge, huge hug from me. That’s the first thing.

Next: This girl is not your friend, okay? Friends don’t put you down a lot. They don’t point out the things that are wrong about you. They don’t tell you that you’re stupid or ditch you for other people.

This girl? She’s not your friend. She’s your bully. If you think a bully is some big dude in the schoolyard who steals people’s lunch money, you’ve only got part of the story. Truth is, girls often bully their friends. Crazy, right? But it’s true. Too many girls put up with terrible behavior from their friends because they keep calling them “friends.”

So what are you going to do? First of all, I want you to talk to an adult or friend you trust about what’s happening. Don’t go through this alone. Second, I want you to stop calling this girl a friend, at least in your head. There is no such thing as a part time friend. It’s 24-7 or nothing. Feel me?

Third, you need to start friend dating. That’s right, friend dating. Just like people who get dumped romantically need to play the field and meet someone new, the same thing is true when you need to make a new friend. Put yourself in situations where you can meet new girls. Join a new club or team. Sit down at a new lunch table. Ask a girl you like if you can be partners on a project. Chat or text someone you want to get to know better. Trust me. I’ve done it – I’m doing it right now, actually. It’s not always easy, and sometimes you get duds – just like real dates. But sometimes you click, and it’s awesome.

Should you tell your NOT-friend to stop treating you like that? Sure, if you want to. You can give her a chance to change. But I don’t have a good feeling about her at all. I think you should move on and find someone who can respect and love the awesomeness that is you.

Remember: part time jobs are okay. Part time friends: NEVER.

Take care, good luck, and let me know what happens!!

Rachel

346 Responses to “Is Your Best Friend Your Bully?”

  • Brandy says:

    I have this friend who…well she has this friend who bully’s m, and well she won’t do anything about it because she thinks that she will never have friends ever again after that friend is gone. I really want her to be friends with someone that’s actually doesn’t want to bully others, she wants to bully people; and I sure don’t. What should I do??

  • Alexis says:

    i feel bad for bullying my friend and i don’t know why i feel guilty

  • Ak says:

    Hello, my best friend is brutally bullying me for a long time. I can’t take it anymore. I have figured out that he is toxic for me. I want to cut all chords with him.
    We both are 19. We have been friends for four years. He has always been making fun of me a little but I took it as a healthy friendship behaviour (most best friends make fun of each other). Lately, he has gone too far. He makes fun of my mom’s name and my family and also name calls me in front of friends. He always roasts and says nasty things about me in front our friends. He curses me and dominates me and wants to show his superiority in front of them. He exposes secrets I share with him even when he promises not to. He makes fun of my grades and says I’m a loser. And later on, apologizes and tries to make up with me. I fall for it, and then, he repeats the bullying again.
    The problem is, he knows too much about me. If he knows that I’m avoiding him, he will bully me even more, because I can’t cut chords with all our mutual friends, of course. He knows embarassing things about my family that he may share with friends or on the internet. He knows about my crush, he has screenshots of my failed sexts with some girls and also has some embarassing photos of me smoking and drinking. If he shares these online with my friends or family or elsewhere, it may ruin me. Unfortunately, I don’t have much of his embarassing pics or other informations to threaten him back.
    What should I do?

  • Kaia says:

    Hey, I have this friend who I like to call my best friend. Often he likes to tell me we’re not friends or I’m just annoying. He puts me down a lot. I used to really like him, I loved him a lot, but now I feel like when I used to tell him that he just didn’t care. I’ve grown over liking him and I still see him as a friend, but he still treats me horribly. I feel like he just doesn’t like me. But when I try to tell about how he acts, he just simply says he joking. I’ve gotten told by multiple people that I should leave him behind, but It isn’t that easy is it? I just can’t seem to leave him. Do you know what I should do?

    • Snow says:

      Hi.. I used to have the same problem with one of my friends and he studies in a another city so we never met after our baccalaureat degree. I always check up on him first and tries to keep up with him but he just doesn’t care, he ignores me and pisses me off all the time. I don’t see him more than just friends, i just want to have a guy friend like everyone else, well i alawys end up mad at him and arguing with him but i’ve had enough, i told him lately that i’m gonna stop bothering him forever and i wish him the best.
      I guess u should look to the psitive aspects of ur friendship with him, if u find yourself all the time putting efforts more than he does, trying so bad to keep urself in his present and futur and he doesn’t care!! then u should pause for a moment and open up with him ,tell him u like him and all the things that u feel about him. Maybe he likes u too, and u know guys r so bad at expressing their feelings :p. You can’t keep knocking on a door that won’t open, it’s hopeless..

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