GirlTip #52: Loyalty Doesn’t Mean Hating Who Your Friends Hate

By | December 8th, 2010 | 6 comments

Do you expect friends to get angry at people you’re fighting with? That kind of loyalty isn’t part of a healthy friendship. Conflict is scary & lonely, but it’s yours, not your friends’. Get sympathy, not support. Asking friends to have your back ups the drama & puts them in an unfair position. Stay classy & keep it one-on-one.

6 Responses to “GirlTip #52: Loyalty Doesn’t Mean Hating Who Your Friends Hate”

  • confused says:

    The above makes sense, however, I need help with a particular situation because I am struggling to know how I should feel I guess. I was extremely hurt after I had a falling out with my best friend because he treated me badly after his girlfriend came back into the picture, and then turned on me when I told his girlfriend to ‘f-off’ after she told me to kill myself (among lots of other hurtful, nasty things)… I then told the whole story to another ‘good’ friend (who only knew my ex-best friend through me), and gave her detailed information about what had happened. She said ‘that’s fucked!’. Meanwhile, I go overseas and suddenly pictures turn up on facebook of him at one of her parties! She never even bothered to let me know that this was going on. Ever since then I have not felt like she is really my friend. Am I right to think this?

  • Steve says:

    I think it’s worth highlighting the difference between asking someone to take sides asking them to stay neutral. Suppose friend A picks a fight with friend B. You make the mistake of jumping on A’s bandwagon and then B asks you to stay neutral and stop taking sides. If you’re a lot of girls you have a hard time seeing the difference between A asking for your support and B asking you to stay neutral. It sounds simple in theory but when the tears and lies start flowing you can get lost if you let your emotions put you on auto-pilot.

  • luna says:

    One of the best way’s to show loyalty to a friend is by being completely honest with him/her, not by taking sides against someone else. In fact, you can even help your friend if the person they’re siding against hasn’t done anything wrong by showing your friend that maybe the person doesn’t deserve to be treated that way and maybe your friend is being unfair. Explain to your friend you’re not siding with this person against her, that you’re just trying to help. Remind her that hating other people doesn’t make her happy and that you want her to be happy.

  • Ashley says:

    A true friend will never ask you to pick between other friends. If she cares about you she wont force you to sacrifice another friendship for her. She will want you to do whatever makes YOU happy and not expect you to suffer for her sake.

  • Dawn says:

    My 15 year old daughter Kinsey has been dealing with this issue for several months. She has 2 friends constantly challenging her to pick one or the other because they don’t like each other. Kinsey stated last night, “I feel exhausted because I can’t make them both happy!” I told her it wasn’t her job to be anyone’s “punching bag” or make someone happy. I explained to have the latest angry girl only communicate with her when she has calmed down. Kinsey is exceptionally careful when texting and understands words do hurt and once hate is spoken damage is done. I am not sure what else to do at this time…

    • Rachel Simmons says:

      Hi Dawn, this can be such a hard one. It’s important for your daughter to remember that when someone makes you choose between friends, it’s a form of aggression — relational aggression, to be exact. A true friend will allow her to have other relationships. Someone who is possessive and controlling is disrespecting her – no matter how happy this friend makes her, this kind of behavior poisons a relationship. My advice is for her to ask for what she needs — very specifically — like, “please don’t ask me to talk about the other girl” or “I care about you a lot and I need you to respect that I have other friendships — it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you or don’t want to be with you.”

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