Lilly’s First Rant: What I Wear Is None of Your Business
Yesterday I was humiliated in a way I’m sure many girls have experienced. It was the first time I have ever blushed so hard I could feel my cheeks burning. It was the first time I have felt truly singled out. It was the first time I have ever been shamed for my sexuality. And I am not amused.
This summer, I am working at an ice cream store in a large city. It’s a very busy store, with tons of customers passing through each day. The store shares storage and freezer space with a popular restaurant in the same building.
Over the course of the day, when I am not cleaning the store or working at the cash register, I spend a fair amount of time working in the back of the restaurant preparing the ice cream, refilling toppings and engaging in other scintillating tasks. (Bear with me, I promise the background information is relevant. Or perhaps I should say “bare” with me…that’s called foreshadowing, folks.)
Anyway, lately it has been absurdly hot where I live and ironically the soft serve machines that keep the ice cream cold make the store just a tad toastier than hell. I have taken to wearing shorts to work with my sneakers and uniform t-shirt. In short, it is a stunning combination.
Yesterday, at the end of my shift, my manager, a young guy with whom I get along very well, said he needed to talk to me. Apparently a customer, thinking the restaurant owns the store, told the restaurant manager I was dressed too provocatively and asked why (and I quote), he “lets his girls run around like that.” And then he got into his time machine and returned to the 50s. No but seriously, whaaaaaaat?
To be fair, because my legs are pretty long they make most shorts look like they were previously owned by Thumbelina. But these were not booty shorts. In fact, they would have passed my middle school’s dress code (with my arms at my sides the shorts passed the tip of my thumbs). My manager was clearly uncomfortable and kept saying he didn’t mind my shorts (uhhh…thanks? I like your legs too?) but didn’t want to cause trouble with the restaurant manager. I apologized and said I would wear longer shorts next time.
I don’t think that it is ever appropriate to ask a stranger to dress differently in order to make you more comfortable. If someone is wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with something truly offensive, I am more sympathetic to the possibility of speaking up. But I subscribe to the school of thought that clothing is a valid form of self-expression. And my bare legs convey no offensive message and express nothing other than the desire to be cool and comfortable.
Yet it seems as though the customer believed my shorts were evidence of my intention to be provocative. Why do you let your girls run around like that, he asked. Girls, really? Someone seems to think the restaurant, beloved for its sandwiches and revered for its bagel and schmear, doubles as a brothel. It was as if he believed my shorts were evidence of my insidious intentions to woo customers. Would you like a scoop of vanilla with that?
Seems as though, when it comes to the way young women dress, there is a constant confusion of intent versus outcome. And we’re never given the benefit of the doubt. A well-endowed friend of mine struggles to find shirts that do not expose her cleavage for fear of being considered slutty or a showoff.
I am constantly questioned by my peers about the length of shorts (yesterday was the first time an adult has ever commented). Another friend was asked by a female teacher to consider what male teachers may think about her clothing choices. Miley Cyrus’ outfit choices, and the nefarious motives behind them, are constantly criticized. When people hear that a young woman was assaulted they often wonder what she was wearing.
So let’s clear this confusion up once and for all. Young women choose clothing based on what makes them feel good. We wear what we do because it matches our mood. The clothes that are supposedly meant to seduce, are worn because we are comfortable in our skin. I won’t have long, lean legs forever.
Girls are urged to celebrate their bodies but when I wear shorts that highlight what I am proud of, I am accused of trying to sneak attack customers with my sexuality. What I experienced yesterday was a classic mistranslation of intent and outcome. I intended to wear shorts because I like the way I look in them and I wanted to stay cool. Yet a conversation about my sexuality was the outcome.
Sometimes I feel as though young women are so often portrayed as needing relationships that people have come to believe that everything we do has some relation to them. Nothing we do can be “just because” or “just for ourselves” because young women are judged by the relationships they maintain and the interactions they have. Teenage girls are expected to always include the needs and wants of others as they form their intentions. The outcome of a teenage girl’s actions should benefit others first and her second.
It is as if young women exist solely to be touchstones for other people. Our actions are not for us. Our actions are for those around us. Regardless of the intention behind them, our actions are the colors others use to paint simplified pictures of who we are. Mean girl, popular girl, slutty girl, geeky girl, sad girl; we come to be defined by one-dimensional summaries of how we supposedly interact with people.
It’s no wonder the customer automatically assumed that my clothing choice involved thinking about how said selection would affect male customers. I’m a teenage girl so that’s what I do. I think about others above myself because at the end of the day what counts is who I’ve made happy. He thought that in deciding to wear shorts I was making a statement of wanting to be an object of sexual attention. He believed that my foremost concern is the comfort of some nutty customer and not myself. But here’s the thing, sir, I like my shorts. I’m keeping them. And as Eve Ensler writes in her monologue “My Short Skirt,” my clothing, “believe it or not, has nothing to do with you.”
Lilly graduated from high school in June and is a weekly guest blogger for RachelSimmons.com. Read more about her here.
Good article Lilly. You’re right, and these condescending commenters who are scolding you are full of crap. If you are following the dress code that was given to you (uniform tshirt, sounds like) then you should wear what makes you comfortable. Especially given that your manager thinks the complaint is bullshit also.
You were at work. Wear clothes appropriate to the work setting and wear whatever you want on your own time.
It isn’t up to you to decide what to wear when in a business setting. That is the decision of you superior or the owner.
you mean her superior who said her shorts were fine? Certainly people should follow a (reasonable) dress code if one exists, but it’s not up to customers what an employee of a place should wear and whether it is “too provocative.”
Wow, the comments on this post shocked me. I thought it was well written and hit the nail on the head. Shorts on a hot day = provocative is a huge logical leap which many would not think to stop and question.
“GrowUp” – taken your own advice recently? Must have taken you a while to perfect such a condescending, patronising smug tone. My turn to try it out – I suggest you go away, do some more reading and research about quite how important the factors of gender and sexuality are to this issue, then come back and re-read your “little rant”.
While I can’t comment on your specific experience (I wasn’t there and haven’t seen the ‘offensive’ shorts), I am inclined to agree that the jerk was probably out of line. That said, you’re a fool if you think that people won’t judge you by how you appear (men, women, children and animals). Often, this has little to do with sexuality and this phenomena is prevalent with both genders (I bet you have different ‘first impressions’ of a man in a suit v. a stereotypical ‘thug’ wardrobe). While social change has been, and will continue to be, a huge requirement for the advancement of humans, accepting/understanding reality (to an extent) and learning to live with this knowledge is essential to leading a happy life. Additionally, understand that what you see as nothing more than ‘expressing yourself’ can be highly offensive to others just as the actions that someone from another culture engage can be offensive to you. In short, revisit this little rant in 20yrs when you have a bit more insight, experience and knowledge between your ears.
Because she’s young, right? So she has no right to complain about the injustices in the world, and she should just suck it up when someone makes her feel uncomfortable.
Seen not heard, right?
Your generation needs to do a LOT less complaining and a lot more learning. You all too quick to point the finger at everyone and everything might offend you.
“I won’t have long, lean legs forever.”
How about showing off in your spare time?
“And as Eve Ensler writes in her monologue “My Short Skirt,” my clothing, “believe it or not, has nothing to do with you.””
Enlser also said it is ok to intoxicate and rape a thirteen year old girl, provided you are a woman.
If you are going to comment you should at least get your facts straight. At no point does Eve Ensler say that it is “okay to intoxicate and rape a thirteen year old girl provided you are a woman.” She told the story of a woman as it was told to her. The woman was sharing in an experience that happened to her that opened her eyes to her sexuality. So before you go off on your rant, get your facts straight. Awesome piece Lilly! Keep wearing your shorts and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
I wish this surprised me. I wish I could say it is a rare event, and to try to brush it off. I wish I could say when you get older, it stops.
BUT – I am a woman who can not wear a skirt or shorts that reveal any of my legs without comment. If I wear a skirt, I usually wear boots, even in the summer. Any time I do otherwise, I get at least one comment, usually more, from the general public.
To be fair, no one’s calling me “fatty” or hollering insults. But the relentlessness of the general public’s attitude that they can comment and question is bizarre: “Damn, girl, you got some big legs!” (usually said in a tone of appreciation, but still) “Are you a dancer?” “How did you get calves like that?” “What sport do you play?” “Oh, wow, I was just looking at your legs. Do you dance or something?”
And yes, it happens just as often as when I swear a skirt that covers my knees. I’m not at work. I’m not trying to be a model. I’m in the line at the grocery store, or waiting to cross the street, or running in the park.
I’m not saying that I think wearing shorts that are cut at your buttcrack are work-appropriate, or that the only acceptable way to view female attire is as if there is no line for what could be considered provocative or appropriate in the name of being sensitive to female oppression. But given the description of the shorts, the uniform in general, the girl’s height, the damn weather, there is no reason for any sane person to see this blog entry as evidence that she needs to learn to dress more modestly, or for a lecture on How Girls Should Dress. I know from life-long experience, and I’m 35, that our society still considers the female body to be public property, subject to its opinions and criticisms, no matter what the actual owner wears. It’s something we should all try to change.
Well put! Thank you for sharing!
reading through the comments has been interesting. I’m surprised anyone can really read this blog and still find it acceptable to call this young woman a “slut.”
I highly enjoyed and agreed with this blog. Especially, especially the section about how
“Sometimes I feel as though young women are so often portrayed as needing relationships that people have come to believe that everything we do has some relation to them.” I think I’m going to quote that on my blog and link back because I think this doesn’t get discussed enough but it is so true. I feel like how women dress is often looked at with the kind of attitude of “Does she think wearing that will get her a man?” As if that is the only reason why ladies put on clothes.
IMO anyways… there are no such thing as sluts, only people who judge the sexual experiences of others based on their own personal preferences.
I feel your pain, it happened to me at work. my conservative. Bible-obsessed co-worker asked “what’s with all the leg showing?” because I’d taken to wearing skirts to work. I’d worn long pants to work, but then it got hot as hell, so I took to wearing skirts to be more comfortable. nice skirts, feminine skirts, skirts that looked professional (for retail anyway) and aren’t too long. Still, someone still had an issue with me showing my legs.
I don’t wear skirts to “show my legs.” I wear skirts to be comfortable and look nice, not to be sexy. yet some people still make that assumption, because clearly all girls who show skin do it to be provocative. it pisses me off.
I’m gonna take a step back here, away from the charged topic of “who’s a slut” to make a general statement about clothing choice. As I steer my teens toward adulthood, my advice to them is to “dress appropriately for the weather and the occasion.” Flip flops when you think it might snow is not a good idea (we live in Maine; this is actually an issue sometimes) Shorts and a tee shirt to a wake or funeral signals disrespect for the mourning family. If a tie is required at graduation or a religious ceremony, wear one, because there are moments in life to celebrate and revere and the clothing symbolizes a celebratory, reverent attitude.
Basically, our clothing choices in myriad situations make a statement about us. About our attitude, about how we feel about the given event, about who we are. When my teen daughter attends a school dance, she wants to feel beautiful, not to impress or sexually attract, but to feel good about herself. Her style is sort of “old Hollywood,” and that works for her. Other girls at her school choose dresses that resemble the outfits worn by hookers walking the strip at night. It works for them, but frankly it also makes a statement, and they have to accept that. Hookers walking the strip don’t wear Ann Taylor business suits, do they? It’s not the statement they’re looking for.
At the beach, most of us walk around practically naked; but hey, it’s the beach. A man in a business suit at the beach would draw stares and possibly laughs, while at work, whether that’s an ice cream shop or a doctor’s office, a string bikini would elicit comments, right? Exteme examples, but I’m trying to make a point. Do you want your clothing choices to distract others so that they don’t see YOU? Of course, if you’re doing hot, sweaty work, wearing shorts is probably appropriate .. but if your shorts are so short that they’re crawling up your butt and repeatedly drawing comments and stares, is there a different choice you could make which would keep you cool and not imply that you are seeking sexual attention?
Many years ago I went w/ my boyfriend to meet his grandparents for the first time. It was summer in North Carolina, blisteringly hot, and I wore a skimpy tank top. His grandmother, a strict, conservative Baptist, was horried by my attire, and I remember being annoyed that she was offended when I was just trying to stay cool (and had driven five hours during a heat wave to meet her!) In retrospect, I can see that from her perspective, I showed up wearing my underwear, and it colored her view of me. I wasn’t a “slut,” and I wasn’t wrong to wear a tank, but given her limitations and background, perhaps a short sleeved tee shirt would have made a better impression. And in fact, I cared to make a good impression, because I ultimately married that boyfriend.
Our clothing, our posture, our demeanor, our choice of language: ALL reflect who we are. All make a statement about us, and signal to others what we want them to think of us. If you don’t care what others think of you, then fine. Do whatever. But accept the consequences of your choices, and know that a head full of dredlocks may mean you won’t get the job at the “conservative” office but you may get plenty of jobs as a barrista at a funky coffee shop and the skirt cut up to your crotch may not cut it at the Baptist revival, but earn you plenty of attention at a nightclub.
You just completely ignored the fact that this woman mentioned the length of her shorts was beyond her fingertips when her hands laids to her sides.
You just assumed that they were “cut up to your crotch.” It is obviously that this woman WAS wearing clothing appropriate for the situation and YOU’VE decided to make assumptions about her without fully reading the article.
Or maybe you didn’t need to read the article and you were the one who made the complaint in the restaraunt? Your comments are another example of slut shaming and you’ve never even seen this person.
I would agree with you that clothing is a representation of yourself to others. You are correct about that, but again, if you actually read this post above you find that the clothing this woman was wearing was appropriate for the environment. If it was “cut up to her crotch” I think her boss would have said anything before a nosey, bossy, do gooder stepped in to “take care of the problem.” That didn’t happen and that isn’t the situation here.
Agreed, Jason. “Crawling up your butt?” She said they go past her fingertips.
Oh brother. If this woman is wearing bermuda shorts and someone has a problem with that, then she needs to shrug and get on with her life because there are crazies everywhere. This is America, not Afghanistan, and thank goodness the Taliban doesn’t rule here. If you paid any attention to the point I was trying to make, it’s that clothing choices are not neutral choices, and while we are free to make those choices, and we should accept the responsibility for what they imply.
Slut shaming? I have no reason to believe this woman is promiscuous, and that wasn’t my point. However, I’ve seen plenty of young women behave like sluts, dress like prostitutes, swear like sailors and basically disrespect THEMSELVES, and if they behave like that they should own it and take responsiblity for the way the world views them. If you dress/speak/comport yourself that way, then expect to be treated that way. Helen Gurley Brown, the longtime editor of Cosmopolitan and author of “Sex and the Single Girl” was a proponent of female sexuality, beauty, intelligence and power. She was no slut, and she recognized the importance of projecting an image which was consistent with your values and goals.
You’re missing the point, Maria, where it’s none of your damn business how other people dress, speak, or behave as long as they’re not hurting anybody or infringing on anyone’s rights.
It’s one thing if someone you’re close to comes up and says, “Why don’t you think I’m getting a promotion?” Then it’s appropriate to talk about how appearance affects perceptions, whether fairly or not. But Lilly didn’t ask, “Do you think it’s okay for me to wear shorts? What kind of image does it project?” She said that some random man felt uncomfortable seeing her legs.
There are so many sexist issues involved in that that you have completely refused to acknowledge. I notice you mention the Taliban because they would be offended by Bermuda shorts…what, praytell, is the difference between their hypothetical offense and your offense at shorts “crawling up your buttcrack” (which, btw, the shorts in question clearly were not)? What’s the difference? You’re just as culpable in policing what women should be allowed to wear.
It’s a body. It is not shameful. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything shameful in wandering around nude. The fact that a few inches of (presumable) skin-hugging denim laying on top of one’s skin are the difference between ‘acceptable’ and ‘embarrassing’ or ‘giving the wrong impression’…maybe you should evaluate those beliefs and what they say about you.
@Jay Hammers. I wear super short shorts. Yep. And I’m not tall. I just like them that way. Always have. And I’m not a slut…actually, in the straight world, I’m a virgin! That’s probably because I’m a lesbian. I do love sex, though. I guess that’s a conundrum for your tiny…brain. So those short shorts — not for dudes, or even for chicks. I just happen to like them. Even sitting alone, in my own house, doing work for my profession where no one can see them. Nope, just for my non-slutty (or very slutty?) self. I forgot, though, that working at an ice cream shop means you’re “acting like a slut.” You go on with your totally logical statements. Douchebag.
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@Guano:
It’s true that women can be even more relentless than men in upholding patriarchal norms. But the way women treat each other is not separate from the way society treats us. It’s one of the faces of it.
My job has no dress code, but my boss backed me up when someone singled me out for my clothes. I’m a C/D cup, and while the less endowed women are wearing very low cut tops, my tops, which are several inches higher, were getting the notice. My boss said standards have to be uniform and applied across the board, especially in light that I had the same exact suit as one co-worker, but while I wore tops under it, she didn’t and no one had said a word.
“I am constantly questioned by my peers about the length of shorts”
Jeez, I wonder why? Maybe it’s because they’re too short and you are acting like a slut?
Guys have to wear suits while women can wear suits or dresses for business attire, but you don’t hear guys bitching about how they can’t wear skirts to work every day because they like the feel of them, do you?
Grow up and stop whining about issues you create through your own arrogance.
I’m no expert in adult behavior but I’m pretty sure that name calling isn’t considered mature. Additionally, perhaps you missed the part where she mentioned that she’s tall. Being taller than average height myself, I can assure you that the length of manufactured clothing does not make allowances for individuals who deviate from the “norm.” Average or regular pants usually have an inseam of 32 inches which, you may be surprised to hear, are almost capri-length on someone like me. Perhaps you should consider details like these before passing judgment on someone you’ve never met.
Believe it or not, maybe she wears shorts because it’s SUMMER and she’s in an unbearably hot environment. The fact that she has long legs and is wearing shorts shouldn’t merit ANYONE calling her a slut, ever!
Oh please. She works in an ice cream shop! Shorts are entirely appropriate.
Actually male bodied queer folks are angry that they can’t wear skirts to work. However, we usually don’t speak up because we fear violence from such people as you “Jay Hammers.” The strict gender norms for male bodied people is an issue created by YOUR arrogance. Also, it is the male gaze that also reinforces gender norms for women. Maybe you should ask yourself who it was that wouldn’t allow women to wear pants for years. It was men such as yourself. Fuck you.
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Nothing we do can be “just because” or “just for ourselves” because young women are judged by the relationships they maintain and the interactions they have.
Actually, it’s because we live in patriarchy. Welcome to hell – here’s your accordion.
While reading this, I felt like I was reading my own words. I had a near identical experience while working at a beach resort one summer when I was 19. We were allowed to wear shorts, but I was singled out for my choice in attire by the general manager. He had my supervisor approach me and reprimand me. Of the 8 other females that worked in my department, I alone was told I was no longer permitted to wear shorts since, and this is a direct quote, “my legs are too long and though my shorts are long enough, my long legs in shorts expose too much skin.” Initially, I was embarrassed and ashamed. I still feel uncomfortable when I think about the incident now. However, now I feel angry. Not only was I working at a beach resort where people were walking around in bathing suits leading my shorts to be modest in relation, but the manager’s fear that my exposed legs would lead patrons to think less of the resort is absolutely ridiculous. Lilly, you verbalized this type of experience perfectly, and, while I hate that things like this happen on the regular, I take solace in knowing I am not alone in my frustration.
Are you sure the complaining customer was male? In my experience it is usually women who react like this, for some reason they are more critical in this regard of their own gender than men ever seem to be.
You know most of the bad magazines which print , “your too fat” “how to please your man” type articles are headed and controlled by female editors or executives. If you want to change the perception and treatment of women in society start with how women treat each other and themselves.
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