Lilly’s Blog: On Girls & Solitude – A Girl Alone is Not Lonely
I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with being alone. I personally enjoy an empty house, a solo walk, or an afternoon for one. But as teenage girl, I also feel incredibly uncomfortable with solitude.
There are so many messages my peers and I have received, glaring red flags that bear the message, ‘NEVER BE ALONE.’ I would not be bothered if the argument for why girls should not spend time alone was solely based on the sad truth that solitary women can become easy targets. But it is not the possibility of danger that prevents young women from spending time alone; it is the threat of being judged that compels us to always have company.
Take a moment to consider society’s depictions of women who spend the majority of their time alone. Liz Lemon of 30 Rock lives in fear of choking alone in her apartment. Commercials for antidepressants feature solitary women gazing forlornly out of windows. And then there is the indelible image of the Cat Lady, the woman so pitifully alone she befriends hoards of cats.
It is assumed that women who spend time alone do so only because they have no choice. Between kids, husbands, and girlfriends (a la Sex and the City), no happy, normal woman should find herself unaccompanied.
I first began to reflect upon my complex relationship with solitude at the Girls Leadership Institute summer camp when I was fourteen. Rachel asked each of the girls to spend one day eating lunch in the dining hall alone and spend the time writing in our notebooks. This exercise would not be the first time I would sit at an empty table.
I spent many elementary and middle school lunches alone, peering nervously over the spine of a book. (Yeah, I was that kid.) I have always known that I disliked being alone in public places, especially in situations in which you are expected to be social (helloooo lunch in the school cafeteria). But until it was my turn to sit alone at GLI with my notebook, I never thought about the complex reasons behind my discomfort.
I read and reread what I had written, I talked with Rachel, I dug deep and I finally came to understand why I hate being alone in public. Here, ladies and gentlemen, members of the jury, is what I came up with.
I dislike being alone because I fear that people will assume I have no friends. I do not think I am alone in worrying about being branded friendless.
Many young women measure their worth in relationships. In a world where girls are taught to be nice to everyone, to be impossibly popular, friends are proof of that a girl is valuable, loved, and good. Ever wonder why girls travel to the bathroom in packs? When the only thing you have to assure the world that you are a worthwhile person is the quantity, not quality, of friends you have, you don’t abandon your evidence for a second. And if a girl does find herself alone, she will feign texting just so you know that she does have friends, people she must be in contact with, they’re just not here right now.
For the girls who sit alone, there is a gnawing fear that, without company, strangers will assume the worst. There must be something off with that girl. She must be doing something wrong because being a friendless girl, even if only for a lunch, is not normal. Sometimes the dread of being wrongfully judged by a passerby is so intense I end up spending time with people I have no interest in. Ironically, those are the moments in which I remember the reasons I love being alone.
If I could get over my fear of judgment, I would spend more time in solitude. I genuinely love going for a walk by myself and occasionally I eat without an entourage.
I know that, contrary to what pop culture would like to have you believe, a woman who is alone doesn’t have to be a lonely woman. There is nothing inherently sad about a woman who is without company. Though the people I worry are judging my empty table couldn’t possibly understand this, I know that sometimes being alone is a choice, not a state imposed against one’s will by their general loser…ness.
Sometimes it is important to choose to be alone because the beauty of a moment all to oneself is one young women rarely get to enjoy. I know I must embrace the reasons I love spending time alone, and stop fearing judgment. And I urge all of you to forgo the friends for an afternoon and venture out on your own for an afternoon. These are the little victories we must experience in order to call ourselves truly independent. These are the steps we must urge ourselves to take as we sit at an empty table, not worrying about what others may be thinking.
Interesting post. As a woman who is very much a tomboy, I’ve always been interested and aware of feminist issues – but this whole fear of being judged as friendless just because you’re alone is new to me. Thanks for bringing a topic to light to help me understand my fellow girlfriends a little better.
Growing up, I always had the talk from my parents and grandparents to never go anywhere alone, not even the bathroom. But it was always grilled into me as a safety issue. I never had the impression that it was weird to be alone. Thinking back to middle school & high school, I was always scared of being alone in the cafeteria, but that was because EVERY kid who ate alone was made fun of – guy OR girl.
I felt like going for a beer after work a few times, and went by myself. I did see if any friends wanted to go, only because I wanted their company, but after telling my roomate where I was going (again, for safety reasons), I went alone. And the fun part about going to bars alone is you meet interesting people and have interesting conversations! I sat alone, happily in my thoughts, enjoying my beer, when an old (probably retired) sweet man next to me said hi (he was also alone), and we ended up talking about sailing which we both love to do. And no – he wasn’t hitting on me. I love riding my motorcycle alone, and many times I stop by whatever area I’m riding through to walk around and admire the scenery or sunset…alone. Always happily in my own thoughts – and never aware that this was a social taboo for women until reading your post.
I guess I’m just trying to say that, I realized I had a strength I didn’t know I had. So now that I understand where other girlfriends might be coming from (whereas before I was completely oblivious), I could be a source of positive influence for them.
lilly fabulous entry tell u the truth i feel your pain i feel alone myself i been dumped by my friends actually my ex best friends you wanna know what their names are ill tell ya luisa brittany theresa kendall hailey rebakah brooke she doesnt pay any attention to the whole plan what their doing my best friend is christina but i try to tell her the whole plan about what kendall is doing but she wont do anything about it so im really really alone no one to pull me back no to care or listen
I’m confused. Who is the “she” that doesn’t pay attention?
Lilly’s “pain” stems from the fact that other people don’t understand that solitude isn’t a bad thing for a young woman, not the opposite.
Great post, Lilly – and while I certainly can’t speak for guys everywhere, I hate being alone (especially in public!) for exactly the same reason.
Keep it up
wow, how incredibly “on the money” you are about the reasons behind dreading alone time. At 49 yo I STILL feel the worry of being judged when alone, and this despite the fact that i crave and choose alone time since my work and family life seem to never afford it! My daughter is at gli as i type, and i know that this will be a very affirming article for her, she who spends much time alone, sometimes by default but also often by choice. thank you so much for your wise words.
Great post, Lilly. You really put a voice to something I think many young women (and even older women) experience all too often – this sense that there’s something wrong with us if we’re alone, or that we’re being perceived in a negative light.
While I consider myself a very social creature and my friendships are incredibly important in my life, I cherish my alone time. I seek it out, create it for myself as a way to stay balanced and in tune with who I am.
I wrote an affirmation about this very subject a few years back – “Smart girls know that alone time can be a great thing.” I thought I’d share my 10 tips for making the most of “alone time”:
10 Ideas for Making the Most of Alone Time
1. Go through your pictures and make new photo albums
2. Write in your journal about your dreams
3. Go back and reread a favorite book, or discover a new one
4. Go for a walk and see how many new things you notice along the way
5. Organize your clothes and make a pile to donate
6. Bake your favorite cookies
7. Practice yoga poses in your room
8. Make something artistic
9. Listen to your favorite album
10. Meditate and clear your mind
You can read the whole post here: http://www.smartgirlsknow.com/?p=14
Hi Deborah,
Thanks for reminding us that an afternoon alone can be productive, cathartic and enjoyable!
You are wise beyond your years, Lilly. I will share this with my 13 yo. Thanks!
Lilly,
A fabulous take on aloneness. I was probably early thirties before I ate out alone and enjoyed my own company! I will share this with my eleven year-old partly to hear what she thinks and to generate dialogue about the gift time alone can be. Love your writing! Keep up the great work!
Lilly, this is a brilliant snapshot of teendom; as my own daughter bristles w/incredulity when she hears I’ve ‘taken myself to dinner’ or ‘gone to a movie’ or whatever A-L-O-N-E, as in “on purpose” and NOT just when I’m out of town on biz…
Reminds me of that Molly Haskell quote, ““Being alone and liking it is, for a woman, an act of treachery, an infidelity far more threatening than adultery.”
Curious about your take on the digital tethers and noise to signal ratio w/teens in terms of “device time” nibbling up every ounce of quiet/solitude to ‘think’ & ‘be’ as well…
Several teens tell me they’re ‘alone a lot’ (esp in the summer) but it’s kind of a misnomer, as they always have their pals in their pocket, so to speak (insta-companion)
Have you seen the new Linda Ellerbee/Nick News reality show “Middle School Unplugged?” It echoes the “anti-alone” cues hinting at almost an isolationist ‘dare’ to discover oneself in quiet time. (There’s the dependence on friends/face to face, and there’s the dependence on friends 24/7 via access to wired media; kind of a different twist on the topic; maybe a separate blog post?) Still, would love to hear your thoughts…
btw, have I told you what a great writer you are lately?
Rock on!
To wit: When I looked for some photos for this blog post, typing in “teen girl alone,” or “standing alone,” almost every photo that came up was sad/lonely.
Fabulous entry. Learning to be alone is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves!