Rachel Simmons

Nothing in high school is private. Grades, fights, eating disorders, hook-ups, you don’t need a Gossip Girl to know everything about everyone. No topic is off limits, no interaction goes unreported. Unfortunately, at a small private school, this rule extends to romantic relationships.

It’s prom season again, a topic I’ve written about before, but this year the elaborate proposals made by boys to their prospective dates got me thinking about more than just the unnecessary drama (prama?) of prom. The incredibly public ways in which girls were asked to prom (talent shows, tests, and assemblies were interrupted) seems to me to be indicative of how many high school relationships function: the general public is just as invested in your relationship as you and your significant other.

I’ve been in an amazing relationship for five months (hi, Ben!) and, like other high school couples, Ben and I have had an astonishing amount of audience participation each step of the way. A few days ago, a saleswoman at J.Crew became very involved in Ben’s shirt selections. She soon asked us where we are going to school next year, which is fine. Trying to discuss with us whether we are planning on trying a long-distance relationship? Not so fine.

I have had countless similar encounters. I think adults and my peers feel comfortable asking so many questions and inserting their opinions (the saleswoman thinks we can make it work) because, to them, high school relationships seem quaint. Being in a serious relationship is very grown-up. Finding someone to be in love with is probably best left to the professionals. But for those who do find themselves in a lasting relationship in high school, the emotions and the experience are no less profound than those of two adults.

The issue of the public nature of high school relationships is not one-dimensional. At the beginning of my relationship with Ben, I found myself inexplicably fixated on what my relationship status on Facebook read. I’ve never been particularly interested in Facebook but I didn’t feel like I really started dating Ben until we changed our Facebook relationship statuses. In retrospect, I’m embarrassed to say that I wanted outside involvement. Admittedly, every comment and every “like” on our changed status felt like affirmation that I was making the right decision.

From my experience, boys do not feel the same pressure to make their romantic relationships audience friendly. They are compelled to ask girls to prom because of their dates’ expectations and they accept, yet do not initiate, changes in Facebook relationship status.

So what is making girls so hell-bent on publicizing the romantic attention they receive from boys?

As much as I’d like to think I’m impervious to culture’s messages, I am probably far too aware of the notion that girls are defined by how much that one special guy likes them. We see it in movies, on TV and in songs. Until everyone and their mother knows that the female character is romantically loved, she is just not as loveable.

Maybe I was so eager to announce my new relationship status because, deep down, I wanted to share with the world proof that I am worthy of affection. Sure having random people weigh in on my relationships is frustrating, but did I open my relationship up for feedback when I made it public on Facebook?

Like a relationship, outsider’s commentary can be really satisfying but can also be difficult to navigate. Just as I’m learning how to be in a serious relationship as I go along, I am learning how to ask for feedback when I need affirmation and how to decline opinions when I want privacy. Maybe that’s wishful thinking. What I do know is that, for once, I think I should do without outside opinions.

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