GirlTip #46: The Value of Saying “No”
Saying no can bring our worst demons out. What if they never ask again? What if they walk away? Consider this: if someone really wants you (in work & in life), they’ll find a way. If they’re just not that into you, you’re better off waiting for the right match who is.
*if a friend is not providing EQUITABLE input in a friendship – move on.*
*if someone really wants you in their life, THEY will find a way.*
1. These two statements are Not in agreement, since there is nothing Equitable about waiting for the other person to find a way. My response to questions – What if they never ask again? What if they walk away? The questions show an unsuredness in how to respond to a request in a way that says such a request might get a positive answer at some future point. Be honest as to why your saying no. If someone can understand your reason for saying no, then maybe in future, if they are aware circumstances have changed, a new result between you two is possible. If you find your original negative response was in error, you could reach out to them and explain your new perspective.
2. In real life, people have different levels of ability in different areas of life. Friendships are rarely equitable, in the practical sense. That’s why the term sidekick was invented. The Hero is the person who is willing to take up the majority of the effort to maintain friendship because they know their sidekick will be there when the Hero needs help.
3. YOUR effort counts!!! Life is about Love. Do what you can to share it whenever and however possible. At the minimum, be honest in as compassionate way as possible. Being human means you will fail at regular intervals to be your best self, but the effort works in your favor in the long run.
Yes, saying no to toxic relationships is very important, I agree. But sometimes, they’re very hard to get out of. I had a problem where I realized that my so-called “friends” were starting to really bully me. It almost reminded me of an abusive relationship. My very best friend would put me down multiple times, insisting that I’m not as pretty as her, I don’t dress as well as her, my then-boyfriend wasn’t as good-looking as hers, and I’m not as good of an artist (we go to an art college together), then she would me that she loved me. I guess I didn’t see how awful the relationship was because in my mind, it felt good to be “loved.” Then a night came where she got really angry with me and another friend of ours convinced her that they should confront me. They called me names, they falsely attacked my character, and insisted that I no longer confided in them. When I told them that I no longer confided in them because I felt bullied and attacked for every sentence I ever said and told them that I needed my space, they threatened to kill me. After I reported them to the police, they spread all sorts of rumors about me, made the entire college hate me, and I felt that I couldn’t escape. I regretted telling them “no” at first… especially since I no longer could have any friends at all, but then I realized that if I hadn’t, the abuse would still continue and I decided that no friends are better than friends that drag you down all the time and make you feel bad about yourself. The trick is knowing exactly when to tell them “no.” I know that if I had said “no” sooner rather than later, then I wouldn’t have been in that mess. I think it’s very important to recognize when a relationship of any sort is sour and know to distance yourself from it.
I realized too late that a friend wasn’t so nice. She would pretend to be my best friend, and she was really nice in person, and then she would send all these nasty e-mails. I still don’t know what to do.
This is all i will say Monica, that is easier said than done. and i am a teen with alot of FRIENDS and a small group of non backstabbing real friends. girls will ruin your life if you dont say the right thing if you have ever read odd girl out those are mild examples.
I am in agreement with this line of reasoning. As women, I feel many women believe it is our inherent disposition/nature to befriend everyone despite our inner dials indicating…..’STEP AWAY FROM THIS FRIENDSHIP…or ..DANGER WILL ROBINSON.’ Truth be told, if a friend (female/male) is not providing equitable input in a friendship-move on. Take your strength and energy to foster other relationships. It is okay to say NO to a friendship and say, “This is not working for me.” Take courage and to do this with poise….do not stop returning calls. Be kind, like you would want for yourself, have a mini-discourse without pressure remembering to move on. As a mother, this is something I share with my girls, encouraging them to befriend those outside of their overt peer group…looking to find kindness as the link versus sports, academics. Finding an authentic friend takes time, patience and synthesis. The more the girls ‘practice’ saying NO to unhealthy peer relationships, the more confidence they build and the more they practice the more opportunities they have to practice metacognition where the gals are thinking about what and how they are thinking of themselves and finding solace within their inner voice.