Lilly’s Blog: Being the Skinny Girl is No Picnic
It’s hard to be a heavy young woman. There’s no doubt about that. But I think sometimes we forget that sometimes it ain’t easy being a skinny girl.
The negative attention received by naturally thin people is nowhere near comparable to the criticism and pressure overweight people face. Yet it is worth acknowledging that our society’s concept of a perfect body is so toxic that even girls who resemble the skinny prototype are not safe from comments about their appearance.
I have always been skinny. I am lucky enough to have genes that lend themselves to a tall, thin frame…truly a miracle given my sloth-like demeanor. I am fully aware that being thin is a privilege; I never have difficulty finding clothes that fit and I will never face discrimination based on my size. I am aware of what it means to be skinny mainly because no one will let me forget it.
Friends, family members, peers, acquaintances, teachers, bosses, random adults……I’m hard pressed to think of a group of people who have not, at one point or another, commented on my appearance. Though most people would never dream of telling a young woman just how fat she is, few see a problem with remarking on a teen’s thinness. Now, before you accuse me of complaining about something silly (would I whine about being told my wallet looks especially stuffed with money?) let me explain. I imagine masters of the obvious (I’m skinny? No way! Next you’ll tell me there’s a special sort of reflective glass that lets you see yourself. Craziness!) think they are complimenting me but their observations almost always seem accusatory.
It is not unusual for me to hear that, “You’re so skinny. I hate you!” My thin friends agree, sometimes we feel like we are being asked to apologize for having the audacity to be naturally skinny.
I can deal with the comments because I know that they are generally well intentioned. The worst part about being born thin is that people assume your body type is the product of an unhealthy lifestyle. Within the first week of high school, a boy had convinced a sizeable portion of the grade that I, the new girl, didn’t eat. Truth be told, it was the first week at a new school; I was too nervous to eat during lunch. Sadly, there was a wonderful girl in my class struggling with anorexia at the time. The uncalled for attention on my body was both distressing to me and belittling to those truly afflicted by disordered eating.
I have always been faced with skepticism regarding my eating habits. If I don’t wolf down a hefty meal, I’m anorexic. And if I do, everyone waits to see when I’ll purge. Sometimes I feel like being naturally, and healthily, thin is an elaborate scheme I’m getting away with and everyone’s waiting to find out my secret.
People do not consider that my entire family is skinny. When thinking about skinny girls, we forget a simple truth; bodies come in all shapes and sizes. And just as we celebrate bodies we refer to as “pears” or “curvy,” it is time consider that, for some people, “ruler” or “toothpick” isn’t just what we see in magazines and runways. For some, skinny is healthy and normal. Now, let’s eat to that.
Lilly is a high school senior and guest blogger for RachelSimmons.com. Read more about her here.
Hi I am 50 years old and have always been very skinny and as I get older I get skinnier. I think I have heard every comment that goes with being thin. It is very hurtful and yes I’m am very conscious about my weight . I would never ever comment on someone’s weight skinny or overweight . People just assume that it’s a compliment to me . Well it isn’t sometimes it’s very hurtful . I am making it a goal to gain 10 lbs at least just to feel better about myself . I just had to post that I am happy to see that there are other people out their just like me .
Great blog! I don’t come across any individuals that understand how it feels on the other end of the weight spectrum.
I’m within my normal weight for my height. 5’4, 115 lbs (35-27_36), small frame, in a world where medically speaking, people should lose weight for their own health…
From these I always get: “you’re so thin”, “don’t get anything thinner or you’ll lose all your curves”, “you’re melting away”, “are you ok? You look so thin”, ” you’re too skinny”. I work with mostly women at work, it was getting so bad, one day I looked at myself in the mirror and started getting a little bummed out, “am I too thin? Should I gain weight?” I would even hide my figure a little at work, because other women stare at thinner women, ALOT, and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. Until a coworker stopped me and told me, “I just wanted to tell you, you look so good, you’ve lost weight haven’t you?” I told her how much I needed a compliment! She shared with me that when she lost some weight her sisters kept telling her she was too thin and encouraged her to eat and that I looked great and that I shouldn’t pay attention, to thrive on. I so needed that!
I realize that in our society thin women have advantages over overweight women, but if it’s not ok for me to say, “Don’t keep gaining any more weight, you’re going to lose your figure all together”, “you’re too fat”, “are you ok? you keep gaining weight you could get an illness”, then it is not ok to dish out comments the other way, because they do make one feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. I wish I could tell my commentators: “I eat a balanced diet, I eat healthy, I exercise, I am confident when I dress up, I suggest you do the same, now leave me alone!!!” Thanks for the article! I believe carbs, sugary foods, fast foods, are a type of addiction that leads to being overweight, self-esteem issues, and eventually a physical break down in one or more of the body’s systems, and I hope for people dealing with this (including my nieces and friends) to end this vicious cycle!
I must add that I am from africa and there’s this notion here that women should be quite (not really) robust or atleast have some flesh. Fuller breasts, bigger bums etc. I on the other hand, I am an A cup. I have small butts. I hardly find fitted clothes so I have to get a tailor to take out some materials from them so they can look my size.
Does this bother me? Yes, quite. Everyone thinks I should add some weight so I’d look like a woman.
But then again, I can’t be really bothered because most people are dying to lose weight and be like me, atleast. They’d rather be like me.
I have a great face, great fashion sense, I am intelligent, I have carriage so those are distractions for me as the thin frame doesn’t readily come to mind.
I believe that after trying your best to be a particular size and it doesn’t quite work out, leave the body and focus on developing the personality; it always covers up.. Cheers! X
Thank you so much for this. I too am a naturally thin talk girl who constantly hears “I hate you” “You’re so skinny” “Go eat something” “I wish I had your body” from my closest friends. On top of that at least three of my close friends have eating disorders and complain to me about their body. I try my hardest to tell them have they are beautiful and that I wish I looked like them but they never believe me. They think I’m just trying to help them get better but in reality I wish I did look like them. I’d rather have a “normal” girl figure than be as skinny as I am. I have doctors ask me on a regular basis whether or not I have an eating disorder and they never believe me when I say that I don’t. It pleases me greatly to know that I’m not the only skinny girl who suffers from other people making her feel bad about it. Yes, being this skinny without having to work hard at it is a privilege but it’s not one that we ask for. We just lucked out when it came to our DNA, how can we be forced to apologize for something that’s written in our DNA? Do I have to apologize for having brown eyes? Or naturally straight hair too? I wish that everyone could just be happy with their body and not judge other people because of what their body looks like. I’m so sick of feeling like my own friends hate me because of my DNA.
Thankyou for this.
I’m a 15 year old girl and all my life I have been tall and thin but I eat more than most my friends. I suppose it’s in my genes but I do a lot of exercise since I play for two basketball teamss I train several times a week.
I often get comments from people asking if I’m anorexic then when I tell them I probably eat more than them (which I do since I have a rather huge appatite) they assume I’m bulemic.
Yeah bigger girls might get some stick, but don’t assume that running up telling someone they are stick thin and bony is a compliment, it isn’t.
great ,I am lossing weight
Lilly, thanks for this unusual blog. You may not be happy to hear that as the number of skinny (at least naturally skinny) women gets smaller as we get older, the negative remarks and suspicion get greater. Oh well — usually works to change the topic of conversation to prospects for world peace.
Hi Lucy,
You raise a very interesting point; I never thought to consider the ways in which the negative attention skinny women receive changes as they age. Why do you think the negative remarks and suspicion become more intense with age?
I’d love to hear your thoughts, as I cannot personally attest to what this progression is like.
Best,
Lilly
I had people ask me if I had a drug problem because they didnt deem it “normal” to see any adult woman over 30 who was naturally slender. Needless to say, I dont even drink, yet alone have a drug problem. Gheese!
I agree that we need to avoid judging each other based on outward appearance; however, isn’t this a little like complaining about being a middle-class Caucasian male? Maybe some people are blessed by being born with traits that make them naturally fit the “norm,” whatever that is. But, shouldn’t we be thankful for our blessings and make an attempt to help or at least show compassion for those who aren’t?
Dear Jesse,
I am a firm believer that you must own up to and recognize your personal privileges before you can even begin to understand and alleviate the experiences of the underprivileged. Having said that, I also believe that privileged people are unfairly vilified. This unfortunate reality is sort of the point of my blog; no one should ever have to apologize for the way they look (weight, gender, skin color etc). Heavy people should not be ridiculed for their appearance. But neither should people who are slim. I think it does a great disservice to tell the privileged majority that they should be ashamed and apologetic for being born lucky. My brothers, three wonderful Caucasian males, often express that they feel uncomfortable discussing diversity issues because, as soon as the pull up to the table, they feel like they have been labeled as the bad guys. When the privileged feel unable to contribute to discussions and movements, we all lose. Of course we should recognize and be thankful for privilege. In fact, we must do so if we ever want to be able to help others. But in the same way you ask for compassion for the under privileged, it is important to give the lucky few a chance to help.
Best,
Lilly
Thank you so much for writing this!! I am a petite girl, always have been, and I am constantly battered with comments like you mentioned above. I have hear everything from “you must have an eating disorder” to “you NEED more of this birthday cake, you need to gain weight!” to “why do you eat healthy? You can’t possibly want to lose weight!” To Jesse, no, it isn’t complaining. It’s talking about an issue that as women, we should not tolerate from each other. I agree with the comments made above; when someone rudely tells me I should eat more so I can gain weight, is it then all right for me to tell that person she should eat less so she can lose weight?? It’s a total double standard, and basically, it’s women putting each other down. My husband has told me many times that he believes other women make inappropriate comments like that because they are actually self-conscious about the poor choices they make, and want someone to vilify. It seriously needs to stop. Or I’m gonna start using some of the snappy comebacks I have come up with over the past 20 or so years.
Thank you for this insightful and well-written article. My favorite point re: the skinny bias is that people “think they are complimenting me but their observations almost always seem accusatory.” Like you, I’ve been told by ‘friends’ that they hate me or that I’m so lucky. Actually, luck has nothing to do with it; and I don’t need to apologize for the audacity to maintain a healthy weight.
Thank you for your courage to point out an unpopular reality.
Thank you for reminding us that weight bias exists across the spectrum. As CEO of the Binge Eating Disorder Association, I deal daily with individuals upset about their excess weight and the bias/prejudice that goes along with it. We need to be reminded that this same bias/prejudice is applied to other body sizes (weight and height alike) and is NOT okay.
Excellent blog!!
I was the same way, until I had 3 kids and turned 30. Maybe a good comeback for you could be, “I may be lucky now, but check back in 10 years…”
Thank you for this post! I’ve always been very skinny and tall, which leads people to either say “Omg you should be a model” or “Why are you so skinny? You’re so tall!” It’s frustrating — as if I don’t already know that I’m skinny and tall…
Being thin is definitely a blessing but also an annoyance when people can’t keep their mouths shut. “Skinny” is often just another body type, and I’m grateful that it’s mine!
Great post. And it’s interesting to see things from the opposite POV. I agree that for young women, there’s no happy medium. You’re either too thin or too fat. But I do think it’s easier to be skinny than overweight. I can say this because I’ve been overweight(well, what society deemed overweight, but I wasn’t and then actually overweight) for most of my life. It’s a struggle everyday.
This line really stuck out to me, “Though most people would never dream of telling a young woman just how fat she is, few see a problem with remarking on a teen’s thinness.” I find this just the oppostite from my own standpoint and from a teaching standpoint. More kids and teens and women get grief being overweight than being thin or underweight. Very few guys tell girlfriends that if they don’t GAIN weight they’ll break up with them where this is a constant with guys and losing weight. I even saw it the other day in an article related to Jennifer Love Hewitt and her exboyfriend who said she had a pear ass and demanded she lose weight.
I’ve even had friends tell me “Well, you’re so pretty that I’m sure if you just lost a little weight, guys would be all over you!” Yeah, that’s hurtful to have it driven home to you that yeah you can be pretty or beautiful, but you’ll never be attractive to males unless you’re thin.
Anyway, I just wanted to give an opposite perspective…hopefully not one to the extent of “You skinny bitches!” LOL because I do have friends and family who are thin and who try to gain weight, but it’s really hard.
Thanks for posting this– I, too, am naturally quite thin, and have heard the accusatory tone and the outright: “I hate you!” as well. I have experienced feeling envious of others’ curves (especially breast size). I’ve cringed at hearing the term “skinny white bitch”.
I have also had people tell me, “You have a dancer’s body” to which I respond, “Everyone has a dancer’s body. If you have a body, you can move/dance, even if what moves you is a wheelchair”.
Thank you again– I’ve never read anything like this before. Helps to know that I’m not the only one who has found the “skinny girl bias” hurtful.
Jennifer,
I’m glad you found my blog relevant to your experience. I was inspired to write about this issue because, like you, I never hear discussions of the “skinny girl bias” as you call it. I believe the vilification of skinny girls leads to a critical lack of open dialogues about weight and body image…a dialogue that could be illuminating and helpful to all those struggling with their appearance. Wouldn’t it be so profoundly curative if women of all shapes could speak honestly about their experiences with body pressure?
Best,
Lilly
This post is so so so amazing. I am also thin, very thin, and always have been. As are my parents, and my sister. Eating was stressful in high school, and I never wanted to go into the bathroom alone at lunchtime for fear that someone would think I was puking up whatever I’d just eaten.
In retrospect, I don’t think my friends worried about my eating habits at all, but they would make little comments if I didn’t eat much, or sometimes just in general about my thinness, and I think sometimes people don’t realize how much this affects someone’s perception of themselves.
I think your sentence “being thin is a privilege” (already commented on by another commenter) just goes to prove the point even more. We’re meant to see it as a privilege, but sometimes, it just isn’t.
I remember being a svelte young woman (Maman and Nanna).
It was from a high metabolism and genes.
(and burning out and stress as well).
I fit the naturally skinny mold as well. I remember hearing about the movie “Real Women Have Curves,” and while it’s probably an amazing movie and very affirming for lots of women, I thought the title was a bit hurtful, as though encouraging one group of women (the ones with curves) could only happen by labeling another group as fake, not even women at all. I don’t have curves, world! But even with my AA-cup bras and size zero pants, you’d better believe that I’m a woman.
I would like to take issue with one point, though:
“I am fully aware that being thin is a privilege; I never have difficulty finding clothes that fit and I will never face discrimination based on my size.”
Being thin is an advantage in many ways, sure, but I definitely have difficulty finding clothes that fit; I think most people do. And as far as never facing discrimination based on size, I’d assert that the hateful words and accusations of eating disorders that the author goes on to describe are examples of just this kind of discrimination. I’ve had accusations of that kind as well (though not regularly), and I was also recently turned down for health insurance based on my height/weight ratio, even though I’m an extremely healthy person in every way (never had an injury, surgery, prescription, anything). So … yeah, the discrimination is out there.
Great article! And let’s eat to that indeed – bring on Easter dinner!
Excellent comments! You made a great point …these comments and harsh opinions are a form of discrimination. It’s really sad, actually. And I have also heard the phrase “real women have curves” and thought that it was rude to exclude an entire group of real women by saying that!