What Every Parent Should Know About Formspring: The New Cyberscourge for Teens
Last week, a Long Island high school senior committed suicide, and the website Formspring.me is suspected as a cause. Yet most parents don’t even know it exists. Formspring is the latest cyberscourge for teens. It lets you open an account and allows your anonymous audience – usually your classmates – to communicate with brutal honesty. By which I mean breathtaking cruelty.
Formspring takes cybercruelty to a new low by making it appear consensual. You sign up for your own account, literally inviting others to bash you with their “honest” opinions. Because it appears consensual, it no longer seems like cybercruelty at all. It just becomes another avenue for teens to communicate, and it desensitizes them to what they’re doing.
“I hate you,” writes one peer.
“You’re slutty,” opines another.
Account holders are always able to respond, and most act as if they don’t care.
“I’d f*** you,” muses one.
“thanks I mean very blunt but still flattering,” responds the account holder.
Remember, these are often friends writing the comments. To wit:
“I’ve known you for a long time. you’re not even that good at soccer. you just had one really good season…”
As you might expect, cyberbombs like this usually launch the account holder into an extended freak out about who could have written it. Imagine walking the halls or sitting in class, never knowing who is saying what on your Formspring. Not exactly conducive to good focus on your studies, if you get my drift.
I suspect girls are especially vulnerable to Formspring for several reasons:
1. Most girls are passionately invested in their friendships and what others think of them. At the same time, they constantly second guess their peers about what they really think and mean. As I showed in The Curse of the Good Girl, the ubiquity of “just kidding” and the pressure to keep friendships conflict-free force lots of truth underground. Girls know it. Formspring gives you a perverse chance to “really find out what others think of you.”
2. Many girls define social success as being liked by everyone. Despite my best efforts as a speaker, educator and mentor to tell girls that it just ain’t gonna happen, Formspring lets hope spring eternal: you can open an account and maybe, just maybe, you won’t get a mean comment. You’ll be that girl who everyone really loves!
There is zero, and I mean zero, value in this website and no girl or boy should spend a minute on it. Formspring creates unnecessary emotional risks. It legitimizes cybercruelty and divorces kids from responsibility for their words. You can pretty much file Formspring along with wouldn’t-it-be-fun-to-stand-on the-railroad-tracks-and-jump-right-before-the-train-comes and I’m-sure-no-one-will-notice-if-I-just-pocket-this-one-mascara.
So what to do? Here’s what I suggest. Start a conversation with your daughter about Formspring. Ask her if people at school use it (don’t start off by grilling her about what she does or she may scare and fly away). Ask her what she thinks of it. Then ask her if she uses it.
If she says yes, tell her she’s banned for life from the website. Period. Here’s what I tell kids when I suggest they to stop using it:
1. It’s an invitation for people to be evil to each other without taking responsibility, which means people will exaggerate and even outright lie just to hurt you.
2. By inviting people to say harmful things to you, and spending time reading about it, you disrespect yourself.
3. There will always be haters. You will never be someone who is 100% liked by everyone. That doesn’t mean you need to set up a website to catalog who those people are. Focus on the relationships that bring you happiness and security, not people who tear you down.
Even if your daughter says no one has ever said anything mean to her, hold your ground. It’s only a matter of time.
If your daughter denies having an account, open your own account here (it’s very easy) and begin searching for your daughter by her name. Most kids include their full names in their accounts.
If you know me, you know I’m not in the habit of telling you to go behind your kid’s back. You can imagine how dangerous I find this website if I’m urging you to do it at all.
Listen to what I have to say to girls about Formspring in this episode of BFF 2.0.
this article is just plain foolish. Why not educate the girl and let her make the choice? If you treat a kid like a kid theyre going to act like a kid and sneak around you anyway. How silly of the author to “Ban” their kid from the site… educate the girl (this is sexist actual boys have feelings too.) (like the author starts off), tell the kid to be aware that people who find them on the site may use the privacy against the owner of the account so to take everything with a grain of salt. I use the site and i think its fun, people have said things that throw me for a loop but i enjoy outwitting them with snappy answers, and if you arent good at that you can always simply state “at least i would have the guts to complain to your face if i had a problem, but you prefer to hide behind this website -very impressive” but kids, especially older ones shouldnt be banned from the site. the author is right there will always be haters, so why not prepare our kids instead of making them hide from them?!
I do think that Rachel Simmons has some important points to make about the potential dangers that such a site poses to yet-naive teenagers, and therefore it’s not accurate to say “this article is just plain foolish.” However, I agree with the rest of what you have to say.
Young adults must (and will inevitably) come to understand the harshness of social dynamics. An attempt to shield them from it as the author suggests (“tell her she’s banned for life from the website”) will not be constructive, merely repressive, I fear. It’s a simple lesson: if you put your hand in the fire, it’s going to get burned. People should be forewarned, but must ultimately learn this lesson on their own.
I’m a 16 year old and i am on formspring quite regularly. The type of person i am is really outgoing. And i have the f*** the world attitude u can say all you want about me. It will just make me higher. hahaha hate is all about jeleousy. That is all it is. So every message i get that says harsh things about me. I look at and just laugh. Although i KNOW not many people think this way. They see something saying your ugly. And they think its true. But think about this if you have people going around saying s***. Cant you also have the conrtadiction. People going around saying nice and complimenting things about someone. I do it a lot especially to my friends who get a lot of hate. I just ask lots of questions like what is your favorite place to spend free time. and occassionaly ill say something stupidly funny. Just to make them laugh. I like to compliment as well. You looked really hot today. those type of things. As i am a GUY and most my friends are females. Well actually almost all are. So i know words hurt girls. I really feel like i boost there confidence. Also if you see someone spamming your friends profile. Be there for them prove the “troll” wrong. ill put a example to further show how i do wat i do
.
Anonymous Troll asking friend question: yourugly. and you cant spell your own name right. fagstatus.
Hours later after i see this posted on her formspring i ANONYMOUSLY say:Ugly ummmm WTF??? Obviously this anonymous fagtard(Yes your jealous) is popping Hallucinogens. Because that’s the only way I could EVER explain why ANYONE would say that you are ugly. And that’s the truth.
My friends response:
Who are you?!
I might be in love with you!
Ahaha<3333
im a teenager with a formspring also and i disagree i dont care wat people say cause i can delete it! some parents care a little to much see im strong and i understand that these ppl who leave foul comments are extreamly self concious of them selves and they just want to make themselfes anonymous. me personally i dont care what people say if i get hate who cares!
I whole heartedly agree with Rachel’s blog. I just found out that my daughter has been severely cyberbullied over Formspring for over two months. I didn’t even know about the website or that my 14 year old had an account! Of course there are a few nice comments thrown in from close friends but the majority were devistatingly mean (I hate you, you look like a horse, no one likes you or your family, you’re ugly, etc.) Of course because postings are anonymous we don’t know if the comments are written by one person or several. When I asked my daughter why on earth did she have a Formspring account her reply was that she first got one because “everyone” was getting one and the comments started out nice. Then she was afraid to de-activate it incorrectly thinking that everyone else would still be able to see the comments except her. This website is pure evil and fortunately our community is starting to educate the students and parents.
So glad this helped, Traci – I do think that most younger teens find themselves locked in (or believe they are) and actually want their parents to intervene.
I understand where every parent who read this is coming from, but really, this article is making it all sound so horrible. Believe it or not, I would say a HUGE amount of the comments received by most people are nice and encouraging. They can actually brighten your day(: I know that sometimes, even I leave nice comments for random people because I know that it can cheer me up on a sad day. Here are some examples of nice comments I’ve gotten…
“i wish i was as pretty as u”
“your gorgeous and perfect in my eyes, don’t ever change that for anyone”
“you have the best style! i love all your outfits”
We all have those sad days where you feel like just curling up in bed, but then imagine turning on your computer and getting a nice comment like that! It really makes you smile. I understand that parents don’t want anyone hurting their kid, but the person that committed suicide probably had alot more going on then just bad formspring comments.
So really, please, if you’re going to ask your children about this then go ahead. But please do not go searching their names, I can’t stress this enough! I know there is nothing more aggravating than feeling like your parents are snooping around. It makes you feel like they don’t trust you and thats never a good thing.
Also, I know when my mom brought it up she said something like “I don’t get why you would want to open yourself up to them; and to just ASK for people to write mean comments” That’s all a misinterpretation! Seriously, I mean do you really think we want mean comments?! No, of course not! People mostly do it for some help with self esteem, what’s wrong with that? (: I hope this helps
Thank you so much for commenting. I love having your perspective here!I agree that Formspring CAN be positive for some people, and I honestly think I was so upset when I wrote my blog that I wasn’t very reasonable about other perspectives. When Formspring is being used as it was intended, I agree that people should be free to enjoy it. It’s just that I see a lot of kids MISusing it — and then having a hard time getting off the site because they think it makes them look weak. And I mostly hear about it being misused, but perhaps that’s because of what I do for a living.
BTW, while I think its’ really fun to get anonymous put-ups from people, I don’t believe Formspring is a good place to go for self-esteem help. That has to come from within. Not that friends can’t give you a lift, but the best self-esteem boosts in our relationships come from the give and take between people you know.
Actually, many studies show that it’s not the weak one that gets bullied, that’s apparently a myth. It’s actually someone that the bully sees as a threat to their power base, and they feel the need to “take them out,” take their credibility, their strength, power away from them, in order to keep their own social position.
Many times as well, the victim is not a weak person but someone who is blatantly different in some way, many times a person with learning disabilities, differences, and slightly socially awkward, but many times exceedingly smart. Which, being too smart, sadly is NOT considered “cool” in many a girl group.
This isn’t actually Freedom of Speech. It’s simple Name Calling, no criticism, just name calling with a deliberate, calculated intent to cause social and psychological harm.
The website, by saying that the youths are “consensual,” is exploiting their desperate desire to be liked, fit in, and find out what others think about them. It encourages psychological abuse, relational aggression, etc. in the name of “honesty.”
Eventually, at least in my country, the owners of websites like this, will no doubt be seen as the child abusers and exploiters they are.
There was a guy who recently was captured in britain, he was a psychopath, who went around targetting young people on chats and websites, and slowly encouraging them to kill themselves. One of the victims, was a 20 year old woman here in Canada. The serial killer admitted to targetting and “hunting,” literally hundreds if not thousands of children and young adults. He literally “got off,” on it, and it was a power rush, and he liked to tell himself that he wasn’t doing anything bad because it was “consensual,” discussions.
Abuse is about POWER not about consent. just cause a six year old child consents to suck a fifty year old guys penis, does not mean abuse did not happen, criminal behavior did not happen.
It’s the same as on this site. Just because these youths, ignorantly, and being manipulated by highly skilled and predatory human beings, who get off on manipulating others to cause harm to other folks, doesn’t mean criminal behavior isn’t happening.
You get a bunch of kids together, you buy and then put guns in their hands, in their other hands you put booze until they are plastered, and then you say, “lets play russian roulette.” And they “consent,” not REALLY believing that any harm would come to them, not really believing that anyone would actually put bullets in the gun, that someone could be that evil and sick. And then of course, the person who bought the guns, bought the booze, put the bullets in the guns and said, “If you don’t play your a chicken, a coward, or even worst, a fag,” that person will turn around and say, “not my fault, they consented, I didn’t actually put my hand on the triger and pull the gun.”
I really wish folks would stop referring to this behavior as “bullying,” which truly minimizes it. And by the way, adults are using this site too. This kind of assasination of character, of libel, is of course, why in my country anyways, we have laws against it. On the internet, it’s not just the character and reputation, relationships to ones community ruined, it’s now risking peoples actual health and even their lives.
This is predatory behavior, criminal behavior, on the part of the owners who make the site. They are getting OFF, sexually getting OFF on being able to manipulate your children into causing other children harm, they get to play God, are “all powerful.”
Please start seeing the people who make these sites, as the Child Predators they are.
[...] – yet another cyberbullying social media website which gives girls a chance to express breathtaking cruelty towards one [...]
This appears to be a horrible site. I am not sure what benefit this would have for youth.
I would caution the author of this blog. The “blog” starts out with a sweeping statement that can not be confirmed or denied, just yet. It was written, it doesn’t matter if it is true or not but it supports the authors opinion of how horrible and damaging this site can be. A statement written in this forum, a blog, doesn’t hold the same ethic of confirmed true statements. Checking and rechecking facts, is not what a blog is.
I find it ironic that what bothers the author most about the formspring.me is the lack of responsibility and accountablity. Please hold up a mirror when you start a blog in this manner.
I would like to know whether or not you are in support of the authors opinion about this website formspring. It is obvious to me and anyone else that has read your comment that you are against formspring which would technically be the same ideals of the author but implying that the author of the blog is just as bad as the website that you share a common thought about seems very unwise and untrue. I don’t know you on a personal level but right away you’ve shown your true colors with these brief statements. Please remember that everyone has a right to their opinions including you but no one can silence a voice that is meant to be heard. Please remember when you point one finger at someone else you are pointing three fingers at yourself, and if you’re as smart as i think you are you will understand and respect that.
I began seeing the insidious nature of this kind of thing with the advent of instant messaging only 7-8 years ago. Kids ganging up on kids by cyberspace. It’s effects can be awful.
Just found out about this site last week after my daughter had some false and nasty things posted about her, including threats of violence, on a classmate’s Formspring site. As a parent, very difficult to deal with as who do you go to, the parent, the school, the police? Unfortunately, as the school is what brings all of this children together, it’s going to fall on them to create a code of conduct AND ENFORCE IT.
I think the topic of “freedom of speech” is completely irrelevant. I agree with the author of this article in that this site takes away the responsibility that comes with making cruel remarks and bullying peers. Bullying has been an issue in school for decades, but in the past, there were fewer bullies and at least those kids had the nerve to insult the weak to their face. Now you have girls and boys, who would normally respect each other, badgering and insulting eachother for kicks. Teens are so vaunerable at their age and I can understand the interest in signing up for this website but as a mature adult, I feel its exposing yourself to the emotional/social guillotine that most of us tried to avoid in high school. Teens who sign up are looking for acceptance with this tool, even the kids who say they don’t care about the bad comments. However, every teen on this site is commiting psychological masochism with this tool, u know?
I agree with much about Freedom of Speech. I have a problem with you making reference to insulting the “weak”. In my opinion, the bully is the weak one. They prey on people that might not be as evil, mean or as strong as them. The rest of your comments are right on!
I urge the focus be on both boys and girls. Boys are equally as cruel and can have suicidal thoughts as much as girls.
We all should remember this is part of living in a free country, having free speech. I wouldn’t trade that in under any circumstances.
A friend of mine forwarded this email to me…and I am so grateful. My 13 year old daughter told me about this site a couple of weeks ago because she was very worried about some of her friends and the extremely unkind words that the kids were posting about her. My daughter let me read what had been posted about various other girls and I could not believe it! Whom ever came up with this website should be fined and sent to jail in my opinion. My children are not allowed to have access to this site! It’s really awful.
[...] head of school passed Rachel Simmons’ blog post, What Every Parent Should Know About Formspring: The New Cyberscourge for Teens, to me. I read it, found it troubling, and had to write a [...]
Great. Like a “Slam Book”, but online. I see no redeeming value in a site like FormSpring. Question – If I wanted to see if my son or his peers are on there, do I have to open an account, and therefore, expose myself to possible comments? Am unclear on that aspect.
Thanks,
Kelly
[...] in some developmental risky business on the social media front. (not the least of which are two ‘cyberscourge’ sites as Rachel Simmons’ rightly called them, Formspring.me and [...]
Every Parent should know too much things for their children
Thank you for sharing this important site and information for us to watch out for.
[...] April 14, 2010 by collaborationconversation What Every Parent Should Know About Formspring: The New Cyberscourge for Teens « Rachel Simmons. [...]
going thru it now with my 16 year old. One of her”good friends” telling her that her boyfriend has been cheating on her and trust me they are graphic and filthy…why does FB think that this would be a good idea for teenagers