What Every Parent Should Know About Formspring: The New Cyberscourge for Teens
Last week, a Long Island high school senior committed suicide, and the website Formspring.me is suspected as a cause. Yet most parents don’t even know it exists. Formspring is the latest cyberscourge for teens. It lets you open an account and allows your anonymous audience – usually your classmates – to communicate with brutal honesty. By which I mean breathtaking cruelty.
Formspring takes cybercruelty to a new low by making it appear consensual. You sign up for your own account, literally inviting others to bash you with their “honest” opinions. Because it appears consensual, it no longer seems like cybercruelty at all. It just becomes another avenue for teens to communicate, and it desensitizes them to what they’re doing.
“I hate you,” writes one peer.
“You’re slutty,” opines another.
Account holders are always able to respond, and most act as if they don’t care.
“I’d f*** you,” muses one.
“thanks I mean very blunt but still flattering,” responds the account holder.
Remember, these are often friends writing the comments. To wit:
“I’ve known you for a long time. you’re not even that good at soccer. you just had one really good season…”
As you might expect, cyberbombs like this usually launch the account holder into an extended freak out about who could have written it. Imagine walking the halls or sitting in class, never knowing who is saying what on your Formspring. Not exactly conducive to good focus on your studies, if you get my drift.
I suspect girls are especially vulnerable to Formspring for several reasons:
1. Most girls are passionately invested in their friendships and what others think of them. At the same time, they constantly second guess their peers about what they really think and mean. As I showed in The Curse of the Good Girl, the ubiquity of “just kidding” and the pressure to keep friendships conflict-free force lots of truth underground. Girls know it. Formspring gives you a perverse chance to “really find out what others think of you.”
2. Many girls define social success as being liked by everyone. Despite my best efforts as a speaker, educator and mentor to tell girls that it just ain’t gonna happen, Formspring lets hope spring eternal: you can open an account and maybe, just maybe, you won’t get a mean comment. You’ll be that girl who everyone really loves!
There is zero, and I mean zero, value in this website and no girl or boy should spend a minute on it. Formspring creates unnecessary emotional risks. It legitimizes cybercruelty and divorces kids from responsibility for their words. You can pretty much file Formspring along with wouldn’t-it-be-fun-to-stand-on the-railroad-tracks-and-jump-right-before-the-train-comes and I’m-sure-no-one-will-notice-if-I-just-pocket-this-one-mascara.
So what to do? Here’s what I suggest. Start a conversation with your daughter about Formspring. Ask her if people at school use it (don’t start off by grilling her about what she does or she may scare and fly away). Ask her what she thinks of it. Then ask her if she uses it.
If she says yes, tell her she’s banned for life from the website. Period. Here’s what I tell kids when I suggest they to stop using it:
1. It’s an invitation for people to be evil to each other without taking responsibility, which means people will exaggerate and even outright lie just to hurt you.
2. By inviting people to say harmful things to you, and spending time reading about it, you disrespect yourself.
3. There will always be haters. You will never be someone who is 100% liked by everyone. That doesn’t mean you need to set up a website to catalog who those people are. Focus on the relationships that bring you happiness and security, not people who tear you down.
Even if your daughter says no one has ever said anything mean to her, hold your ground. It’s only a matter of time.
If your daughter denies having an account, open your own account here (it’s very easy) and begin searching for your daughter by her name. Most kids include their full names in their accounts.
If you know me, you know I’m not in the habit of telling you to go behind your kid’s back. You can imagine how dangerous I find this website if I’m urging you to do it at all.
Listen to what I have to say to girls about Formspring in this episode of BFF 2.0.
I’m a 20 year old user of formspring. As I am no longer in a classroom environment or involved with teenage cliques of girls (or even on a lot of different social networks these days) I tend to get friendly questions like “what’s your favorite food?” or questions to judge my character, like “what would you save in a fire?” that sort of thing… but interacting with friends of mine who are still in school, university or more socially active on the internet, I noticed that their pages head constant abuse and questions like ‘why did you f**k so-and-so’ or ‘you’re hideous, why would you use your real picture?’ as well as statements calling the girls sluts, whores or telling them that nobody likes them. Of course, the idea is that everyone gets a user and doesn’t need to ask anonymously, but I found people abusing my friends on the internet soon turned their interests in my page and asked how I knew that particular friend, if I liked them, had i met them in person and then just slandering them. it died down after 2 days, but it made me realise how out of control this sort of thing is after being away from it for 3 years. But that being said, I see it on facebook, I hear about it on MSN messenger and pretty much any social networking, email or instant messaging network… but before any of that, i see it every day in the real world. Girls getting anonymous letters in their school bags, having their stuff stolen and destroyed, getting prank phone calls at 3am calling them profanities and hanging up….. it’s not the only way that this happens, but it’s another outlet.
I have seen the effects of formspring and I understand the argument of how bad it is. But as a teen, I know that each individual has a CHOICE to make one. Of course, no one would like to be bullied online or in person. To prevent bullying, a person should just NOT make a formspring. There are plenty of teens who do not have one. Also, they have an option on formspring to post the questions and responses. Nothing about formspring is a requirement. Formspring is an optional service, though it may seem appealing at first to some. There is no excuse for bullying online. But if someone does not want to receive negative attention or attacks from anonymous sources, they have a choice to make a formspring or other internet sites (facebook, myspace, etc.)
I think it is a little ridiculous to blame a death of a teenage girl to formspring. I mean lets be honest, if you cannot handle hearing exaggerated vulgar things about yourself then don’t make a formspring. It is really as easy as that. I have a formspring myself, and I think it is honestly the best way to find out rumors that are spreading about you because your friends may not be the best source for many reasons. Also the only reason most people receive mean or exaggerated comments is because they have done something scandalous, so if you’re going to do something then might as well own up to it. I also COMPLETELY disagree that you are disrespecting yourself when reading mean comments about yourself. I think that it helps people, not just teenagers, become stronger because if you are strong enough to take in that mean criticism then it’ll help you out later in life. But of course we need to take into consideration that not many teens and adults can take this criticism, in that case delete your formspring. In addition, if you are receiving comments like “you are a bitch” or “you are a slut” then maybe you should take a step back and look at the way you are presenting yourself. And after, if you still disagree with the comment made then reply and forget about it. Furthermore, parents have absolutely no clue how their children act among friends. They may know their child very well but no parent will ever know how teenagers truly act behind their backs; with this being said, parents may read their children’s formsprings and find them offensive, but it may also be the truth as much as it is offensive.
p.s. If you are concerned with who your “true” friends are then you obviously do not have great relationships with your friends. Maybe the real problem here is that adolescents are for the most part still treated with a connotation of being immature and baby like, so they never have the chance to really be a self confident person.
Thank you Rachel.
Here’s more every parent should know about FormSpring.
1) It is impossible to submit a question or concern without signing up yourself and allowing your personal info to be accessed.(you may want to create a new e-mail for this one)
2) They dodge their own responibility with their terms of use agreement that no teen is reading
3) most important – if you would like to question the CEO of FormSpring, Ade Olonoh about these issues the link is http://www.formspring.me/ade
It is not impossible to submit a question without a formspring account, it may be that, that particular person has blocked that feature on formspring
Even as a 15 year old teen that doesn’t have a formspring, I have seen enough of it to know how terrible it can be. I agree completely with Rachel’s view, and have been since she came to talk to my school back in March 2010. You are absolutely right…Formspring has no use or value what so ever! And listening to the responses of other teens hear, if you want to ask a celebrity a question, you will probably survive using Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter! There are enough ways to contact people, actually, an infinite amount, but Formspring should not be one of them! I can’t imagine what I would do if I had a Formspring and received a hateful comment! I would feel exactly as Rachel described…depressed, alone, and constantly worrying who was my true friends. But, I am glad that their are teens that commented who agree with my view. So many of my friends are blinded by all of this, so I’m glad to know not all teens are
. Anyway, it’s so sad to hear about these kids who would kill themselves based upon websites such as these. I mean, even though I am against everything they stand for, I still do care about what other girls think about me; actually, I care a lot! When I feel out casted, it’s the worst feeling in the world, and it’s terrible to know that kids would hurt themselves because they hurt so bad. Teens are very fragile creatures; I know that I am, and I admit that, but I try my best everyday to remind myself to concentrate only on the friendships that matter, and not on anyone else’s agenda.
Also, I heard that because of all of these incidents, Formspring will no longer be offering anonymity, so whatever you post will have your name stamped on it, too! (again, it’s a rumor, but I’m 90% sure it’s true!)
Rachel- one comment for you: I believe asking parents to tell teens they are “banned for life” from Formspring is not the proper approach-if my parents told that to me, I would be furious, and I would most likely disobey them just because I have that power (ask any teen, and they’ll say the same thing.) Rather, I think parents should talk to their teens about the risks of the sight, and mention that they do trust them; they just don’t trust the rest of the world, because when you fight with logic, it helps us understand where they’re coming from. Lastly, the parents should ask the teen to put themselves in their shoes, and imagine what they see; all they want is what’s best for their daughter/son, not to punish them or make their lives miserable (trust me, that’s what we see!) Doing this allows for us to mature through logic, instead of rebelling. Thanks again for your passion in protecting us teen girls! I really do appreciate it
There is an option to ban people from posting questions anonymously to your formspring. So even though they didn’t get rid of it you can personally change it to protect yourself.
See, this is pointless. If a TEEN, who are old enough to own cellphones and actualy go to a public school, wants to have a formspring.. why should it upset you? I’m a teenager, i use formspring, and yes ive gotten the “vulgur” comments, but they dont affect me. they dont affect an average kid. Formspring is a great sight, it was made specifically for the teen age group, not adults. Ive actually enjoyed my formspring more than my facebook or myspace. or stupid twitter. Teens enjoy knowing what others think of them, even if it is anonymous. Its just a funny way to interact. You’re not thinking straight if you think you’re going to be successfull at “banning for life” every teen in america prettymuch owns thier own computer, and thier parents DONE monitor it, i dont know what world you’re living in but this is 2010, maybe its time to realize your just out of the loop.
I completely agree with this I am a teen and if the person really wants to know others opinions then thats why they made a formspring. It is a new fad and it will grow old but people really need to calm down about it. I have gotten horrible comments but I dont sit there and cry about it because these people put there names under anonymous so they obviously are a loser who cant talk or speak up and say this to my face so why should I care about them. If your kid makes a formspring and doesnt like the comments on them your kid can delete there account but dont make a formspring and then moan about it like really. Rachel Simmons whoever you are you dont know about any of this so I would bud out you are an adult you dont know what teenagers like or care about so just shut up.
Hey- thanks for leaving that comment. I’m not sure I agree with you that I am out of the loop. There quite a few teens who believe Formspring is a damaging website, including commenters on this post. I certainly don’t think every teen in America will be banned for life, and I get that I was being a little dramatic there(!), but I think parents have a responsibility to protect their kids from things that hurt them. And I definitely think Formspring hurts. If you’re cool with it, then hopefully your parents will listen to you. As you point out, though, parents don’t monitor what their kids are doing, which is exactly why I wanted to let them know.
Anyway, thanks for telling me what you think. I really appreciate it.
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Okay, this was really helpful for my parents. I USED to have a Formspring.me account and im only 13 years old. I noticed alot of people said harsh comments but asked on annoymis (yes i know i spelt that wrong). So, thats not the reason why I deleted it. I deleted it because it is stupid. Why would anyone sit down on the computer and read harsh things people say? It just doesnt make any sense. I think there should be a petition to end Formspring.me, and trust me you can count on me signing it.
Really insightful and helpful article. I just wanted to add a few things:
1. You can adjust your profile settings to make it so no one can post anonymous questions on your page. This way you are eliminating the risk of people saying whatever they want without having to take the responsibility and the paranoia that you are talking about is gone.
2. The reason that I (and many other users) like formspring.me is because you can ask celebrities questions in a much better and easier format that twitter.
None of my friends even know about my page because I have no interest in answering questions, I just like to use it to connect to celebrities and ask them questions.
you also dont have to post the questions you dont like you can just delete them
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As a teenager, I find it disappointing that other teens are using this website and making themselves vulnerable to the brutal comments of their peers. I couldn’t agree with you more on the fact that those who use this website and actually take the time to read and respond to these comments are disrespecting themselves. For many teens, high school is a popularity contest, and they put so much energy into worrying about what others think of them, and how big their circle of friends is. If I could tell my fellow teenage girls one thing, it would be that the only person who has to like you is you. Because 10 years from now, it’s not going to matter what your classmates thought of you.
When it comes to the comments on Formspring, I’ve seen both hurtful and harmless. Most of them have been pretty innocent, “Who’s your favorite singer?”, “What’s your favorite TV show?”, etc. As for the spiteful comments, on one girl’s page I saw, “You’re such a slut, you’d let any guy in the school f***k you”. On another girl‘s page, “You’re pretty hot, but you’re also a real bitch”. Not to mention the countless blunt and vulgar sexual comments, at times I felt like I was reading the lyrics to a rap song. Why any girl would want to subject herself to these types of comments is beyond me.
After reading your blog I had a quick talk with my younger sister who’s in 9th grade. I asked her if she had an account and, to my delight, she said no. I told her that there’s no benefit to using this website because it will do more harm than good.
Rachel, thank you for making parents aware of this website. As a teenage girl who doesn’t want to see any other girl get bullied or harassed through this website, I urge parents to talk to their kids about the dangers of Formspring.
This is so important for parents to know about. Thank you for posting.
Rachel, Thank you for the informative post about Formspring.
I had not yet heard of Formspring and am beyond disturbed by what you shared. I believe the overall issue is the desensitizing of people (young and old alike) that seems to be going on. The ability to hide behind a screen and say it as you think it is fueling that desensitizing effect. All this on the heels of FB fanpages that call for brutality, and the media driven attention of the video game Rapelay have me truly wondering where we are headed as human beings.
It sounds as if (based on some of the other comments) that Formspring was developed for purposes other than what you describe-yet despite their mission/purpose the fact remains that it is being abused. would it not be incumbent upon the creators of the website to re-think how information is disseminated? Anonymity by definition liberates one from accountability as they masquerade their feelings un-authored. Even to post a comment here on your blog one must reveal their name, therefore by default own their opinion.
As a parent I view all of this as an opportunity for discussions that will reach far beyond the use of Formspring, FB, email and cell phones. As with everything there are opportunities to teach and also to learn. I find myself cleaving to the notion that despite all the cruelty and desensitization of emotion that appear prevalent, ultimately people do want to feel good and help others feel the same.
As an advocate working to create awareness around dating violence I have yet another example for teens (along with parents) how electronic methods of communication are either tools or weapons. I for one will advocate for the tool equation; sharing information, spreading thoughts and ideas, and last a means to create two-way communication.
As always, thank you for your insight. -Elin
Formspring is the most self destructive site for teen girls. My daughter and I had the conversation weeks ago when I discovered that some of her friends were on it and saw first hand how cruel and demeaning the comments that were being made to her friends. This is cyberbullying at its best and cowardly on behalf of the abuser that leaves these painful comments. I agree with Rachel… if you have a child take action and make sure they are not using it, even if they tell you it doesn’t bother them. These words remain in writing forever and they dwell on the young teen brain.
I’m confused about how this site has turned from a place to ask anonymous questions to a site to just insult people. Where is it that people can leave these comments? I just see places for people to ask questions that you can choose to answer. Is the question box being misused as a comment box?
What about the narcissistic potential of this website? I foresee this becoming another type of popularity contest (as if facebook, myspace, twitter, and the halls of high school weren’t enough) for girls to see how many guys think they are hot and who can get the most questions/comments. Narcissism at its best.
Absolutely — and the anonymity allows conversations about “hotness” to become much raunchier and even violent. I’m not sure I would call it narcissism as much as adolescent self-consciousness and egocentrism….although some may certainly be narcissistic!
Wow, really? “Tell her she’s banned for life”? That’s no way to build a trusting relationship with your teen!
There is zero, and I mean zero, value in this website and no girl or boy should spend a minute on it.
Didn’t you learn in school that absolute statements like this are usually wrong? There are plenty of people using Formspring for what it was intended as — a playful way to ask (usually) harmless anonymous questions. I’ve seen a few artists using it productively to take questions from their fans, for one.
Teenagers have had the ability to use the internet to anonymously comment on each other for over a decade now. Yes, this can result in hurt feelings. But teenagers hurting each other’s feelings is hardly new, and isn’t going to stop just because someone is “banned for life” from a particular website — the only thing that will result in is a teen feeling her parents don’t trust her and increasingly hiding her activities from them.
Thanks for your comment. Agreed that Formspring can be used ethically and with great success! However, in some cases,I do believe absolute statements are called for, and this is one of them. I do not know all there is to know about what websites have existed prior to now — you write that teens have had the ability to do this for a while, though I have not seen much beyond Honesty Box on FB — but I have never seen a social networking site this highly trafficked by teens that involves personal accounts and widespread, school-wide usage. I have never seen this kind of website so penetrate school communities. It’s become “part of” being a student in some places. While teenagers will never stop hurting each other, parents have an obligation to set limits on how it happens. To the extent it is a site for this kind of unbridled cruelty, why allow a kid to join that kind of site? Even if you trust your own child, you can’t trust the others. Kind of like not letting your kid drive on New Year’s Eve, not because you don’t trust that she’s sober, but because you’re worried about the others on the road. A girl who is told not to do something as a non-negotiable — who is, say banned for life from certain things — such as drinking and driving, or using illegal substances, or cheating on an exam — typically do not react by feeling her parents don’t trust her. It is part of being parented, as much as it may annoy her. Thanks again for your comment.
Wow, as someone in my late-twenties, I’ve never heard of anyone using Formspring this way. The people I know who use it all use it as a forum for people to ask them questions anonymously, which they then answer in their blogs/journals/Facebook. Very interesting.
Wow – intense. Ingrid over at our blog has been talking about her boyfriend’s 15 year old sister on Formspring and how she’s been worried about the comments she’s been getting (slut, ho, freak) the usual. Ingrid wasn’t sure if it was appropriate for her to step in and say something, so we’ve been figuring out the best way for her to talk to her boyfriend’s sister, without over stepping and meddling. This will be a really helpful way to get that conversation going.
Rachel-
I wholeheartedly agree with you. My daughter and I have already had this conversation this past month. She noticed a lot of her friends including FormSpring on their FaceBook page and read some of the demeaning comments of so-called friends. Thank goodness she immediately saw the danger of this website. Kids are empathically disengaged from one another when they send hurtful text messages, emails, etc. They remove themselves from the hurt they cause others. I have a love – hate relationship with technology and this is what I hate about the Internet…
Trudy