Just wanted to congratulate you on this excellent and thought provoking blog. I am the author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus, so I guess I helped start this discussion in a way (since Rachel Simmons wrote her blog after reading my book).

Anyway, I wanted to write to tell you how much I enjoyed reading what you had to say. I may even share your thoughts with one of my classes (I am a college professor) to get their feedback on the argument you make.

Knowing there are young women like you makes me very hopeful about the future.

I will be sure to stay tuned to your work!

Kathleen Bogle

Joking aside, I think girls need to think about what they want honestly, and then pursue that in a way that works for them. I don’t think a fear of hooking because then a girl will “lose power” in the relationship is a healthy way of looking at it. But then, changing how girls handle hooking up is only half the equation — let’s change the way we look at boys hooking up too.

What is it about hooking up that you believe to be “positive”? Physical pleasure? Adrenaline thrill? Becoming part of a clique that seems glamorous and mature and liberated?

I just wonder if the physical pleasure or excitement of a quick temporary sexual encounter is enough to carry you through the next half century of your life (or even the next day week or month) feeling positive about your decision.

I do know that the emotional pain, regret and embarrassment of engaging in a quick sexual adventure with a boy who the next day (or week or month) avoids even looking at you – can last for 50 years.

Now, multiply that short term sexual and emotional thrill-seeking to encounters with multiple partners and hookups. How truly happy are the girls who you see doing this? How much do they respect themselves for being “empowered” and how well respected are they by their (and your) peers? Is it turning out positive for those who have already chosen to go down that path you are considering?

Please ponder this as you evaluate the positives and negatives. Sometimes there is neither choice that seems unreservedly right and positive. You have to decide to go with something, or give up something. But don’t ignore that wee small voice inside you that is telling you not to rush forward, something is not right. I do know that even after 50 years, it will always be there. Sometimes it says “I’m so glad you did that” and other times it says “How I wish I could go back and do it differently”

What an insightful post. I too have found it odd “that whenever we speak about girls and women being empowered we refer to behavior typically associated with boys and men.” And just as often, when we speak about girls and women being empowered we refer to sexual issues not about other things…

We go out with a guy (or hookup) not knowing what needs we’re responsible to meet for ourselves and others, and what to expect in return. Or clear about how to respect ourselves and others while getting our needs met, and how to get others to do the same. Have boyfriends without knowing what dating aggression is… And have hookups without knowing what we’re shopping for, or how to meet our physical needs respecting ourselves. Frankly, this is what we should be talking about…

I believe that the answer to “whether hooking up is good for girls or not” lies in how well a girl knows and likes herself, and whether or not she has the information and skills to make a deliberate choice. I did a piece on “Hookups vs Healthy Relationships” for the “Laid” website.
Would love to know what you think? http://laidthebook.com/blog/2010/02/hookups-vs-healthy-relationships/

best,
kaycee jane