Rachel’s Advice for Girls: How to Break Away from a Bad Friendship
Dear Rachel,
My best friend and I have been pretty close for about 3 years (that’s how long we’ve been “bffs”). I feel as though she’s always off with another one of our other bffs, she never tells me anything and I feel like she is trying to compete with me for everything like good grades, being a good athlete (which I never was and she knows it, so she rubs it in my face kind of; as in she and the other “bff” will run ahead when doing things in gym and kind of block me out).
She and the other friend also are always laughing about SOMETHING and when I ask, they say nothing with a smile on their faces.
She’s an only child and acts like a big baby about everything such as sharing a small piece of snack. When I or other people are starving she’ll be like *in a baby voice*, “NO! It’s mine!” She also always acts like a baby to get her way, especially with her mom and dad. It can get really annoying.
I know what you’re thinking: confront her. But I’ve done that in another situation where I KNOW she was mad but she just denies it.
CONFUSED, JEALOUS AND FED UP (this letter has been edited)
Dear CJF,
This girl sounds pretty tough to deal with. And frankly, anyone who uses a baby voice should have to leave the hemisphere. Sorry, but it drives me insane. I mean, that alone may disqualify this girl from being your friend. But I digress.
You’re getting treated like garbage. You know it. You don’t deserve it. And you can’t change it. First things first: this does not make you a loser, or pathetic. You’re getting kicked to the curb – dumped. Just like if you were dating someone. It stinks, yeah, but it happens to almost everyone at some point. The question is what you do now.
She’s doing that “threesome” thing where you’re the Odd Girl Out. Being tight with that other girl gives her the ability – the safety – to rag on you.
Surprise: I’m not going to tell you to confront her. I’ll take you at your word. You tried and it didn’t work. Truth is, sometimes talking doesn’t help. So here’s my plan for you:
1. GRADUALLY withdraw from hanging out with her. Just act like you have other stuff to do, even if you don’t. If she asks what’s up, just say you’re busy, stressed, becoming a monk, whatever. But don’t do it all at once or it’ll be obvious, and she might get upset.
2. Expect for her to start paying attention to you. Some people love to be abandoned – gets them really fired up. If she does, DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT. Stay the course on step #1.
3. Make a list of people you’d like to be closer with – people who have the potential to be good friends. Taylor Swift does not count.
4. Expect this girl to trash you behind your back. She’ll feel abandoned. She may accuse you of thinking you’re better than she is or she may try to play the victim. Try not to defend yourself unless confronted because that’ll only fan the flames. Just trust me that the story will die down. It always does and it’s not that interesting to people, anyway.
5. Take a risk - I know it’s scary – and make a plan with one of those people you identified in step 3. It could be working on a class project or hanging out or just sitting down at their lunch table.
6. Repeat step 5.
7. Be prepared to go through a period where you are feeling totally freaked out and alone. That’s normal. Remind yourself that people who get dumped have to go through a tough time before they heal and find someone new. That’s probably gonna be you. I swear it passes. Yes, even for you. There is nothing wrong with you that only you can see. That’s the crazy speaking in your head.
8. Repeat step 5.
9. By the time you hit this step, you’re going to have a new friend with potential. I just know it. Trust me. Good luck and let me know what happens.
Need advice? Send Rachel an email right now!
Hey so… I need some help with a friend of mine.
First, let me explain that this girl (who I will call Mai) and I have been friends for about 6 months. We were new kids together and boded over talking about cute guys. My mom had never really liked Mai, but to me, she was the best friend i ever had. Anyway, Mai and I were REALLY CLOSE for the first four months; however, once she had a boyfriend, things started to change.
She started ditching me for him and texting him while we were hanging out. It got so bad that she would Skype him during our sleep-over’s. He was ALWAYS THERE.
So anyway, now that you know that, here’s the thing I need to talk about.
So, the other day, I and she were having a sleep over. It was special, because I had gotten special permission from my mom to stay over, even though her parents were going to be out until 10pm. Anyway, so after my mom had left, she had made a clear agreement with Mai’s Dad that we were not supposed to leave the house, and no one was supposed to come over. They also made it clear that there were to be NO BOYS what-so-ever.
But after my mom left, things just went downhill.
For supper we were allowed to go to Mc Donald’s, but we had to go straight there and come straight back, and normally, that wouldn’t have been a big deal; however, Mai had decided to invite Sam (her boyfriend) to come with us.
That was my first warning sign.
Eventhough I reminded her about the rules, and told her that I WASN’T COMFERTABLE breaking the rules, she insisted that Sam should come. IN FACT, she and Sam laughed at me and told me that I should be so soft.
Fast forward 2hrs.
Mai and I are sitting on her bed talking and we somehow come to the topic of how Sam thinks that I don’t like him. About half way through the conversation she quickly mumbles “oh yeah, he might show up in about 10 minutes so you can explain everything to him.”
SECOND WARNING SIGN
This time I tell her “dude, you know I’m not allowed to be here if Sam’s here.”
Her reply: “its okay it’ll only be for a few minutes.”
So long story short, Sam shows up and I tell him that he really isn’t allowed to be at the house, but he didn’t care. After that a it became obvious that Mai and him didn’t want to talk with me there, so I said I wanted to change into my pj’s and went back to Mai’s room.
While I was in there, world war 3 took place inside of me.
Should I just wait it out and ignore my conscious?
Or should I call my mom and get a ride home?
In the end I called my mom and told her what had happened and she agreed to come and get me.
I didn’t tell Mai what the real reason was though. I just told her that my dad had heard about her parents not being home and had gotten really angry so I had to go home, just as my mom had told me to.
If it had ended with that it would have been fine.
BUT THEN, WHEN MY MOM SHOWED UP TO PICK ME UP, SHE LECTURED MAI ON HOW BY INVITEING HER BOYFRIEND OVER, MAI HAD BEEN VERY DISRESPECTFUL TO BOTH HER PARENTS AND ME.
My mom DIDN’T tell Mai’s dad what had happened though.
ANYWAY, now Mai’s is probably really ticked–off at me for telling my mom about everything, and I’m not sure what to do…
HELP!!!
hey ppl!!!!i have a friend her name is johona and then i have a bff and i call her shonti.but shontis my bff.and johona she does not like her and ive known johana since 1st grade and ive only known shonti since last year in 4th grade and johona gets all jelous and everything.like one time i stayed the night at shontis new house this summer and johona called and was like y r u staying the night with her and i was like becuz shes my bff and i asked her y she doesnt like her and she was like becuz she gonna take my place like wooooooooow!!!!!!and this year in 5th gradew shes in my class and theres this boy in the other 5th grade class and she likes him and i dont but ive known him since kindergarden so weve been friends for 6 years and every time i tlk to him and he tlks to me she gets mad at me and she calls me fat and ugly and my mom says thats not a real friend but one day she’ll be mad at me then the next day she would be all nice.and i told her if shes just gonna start dramma to just not be my friend!!!!
hey
so my ‘best friend’ told me to sod off on fb and i got really upset about it but the next evening she tried blaming me for it all and being even more nasty but told me i was her mickey without minnie and she cried her self to sleep at night and i don’t know wether to trust and beleive her ?
help PLEASE!
Hi! This has definitely happened to ke before! Do not tell her that you dont know if you should believe her or not!!! Tell her how you feel about it though. Tell her about why you were upset
Okay so I have this on firend we have
Been beaties seens 4th we are now in 8th and we are close but she is a how
And she alredy had sex we onley 13 and well it was my b day and she did not give me anythang I am not sayin thats bad but she alwasys expacts me to do evert thang and its gay I love her as a sis
And yhea al my firends used me andone of myfirwnds was mean to me once and o called her a bitch what ever but I wish pepole ware nicer to me WHAT DO I DO TO GET PEPOLE TO NOT USE ME ANY MORE
Hey,
My BFF since the 5th grade (I’m in seventh now) has to move to Mexico May, 30th. I don’t know what to do!!!!! Please Help!
my bff and i hav been official bffs since like last year. but she, since then, has hit me with a towel, pencil, pillow, bit my arm, slammed my finger in a book, and squirted water on my head outta a water bottle. its really starting to bug me. i just watched a movie that made me realize: she is NOT a good friend!! i just dont even wanna speak to her anymore. but these steps may work for this too. Thanks!!!
hey welll i am here again and well me and my franns are ok but a few of us are not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????
HELP ME PLEASE
hey i have some friends that are being realy mean and obnoxious and well one girl she one day is the nicest and sweetest girl and then the next day she is so rude and ignors me and makes fun of me and she really gets on my nerves and then my other friend she was my friend then she started saying stuff like i was always in her buisness and stuff and then one day she got her name on the board and the next day she got 15min off her wellness and it was on the board and i said well her and the other girl both names were on the board and one 15min and the other had 20min and i said do you know that your name is on the board and she said i was on the board and then when we whent to the computer lab she said tht i was always in her buisness and then i said tht theire name was on the board eiot but i know i shoulnt have said tht but please help me tell me what i should do thanxs
always and forever Kadana Gumm im in sixth grade
lol gurl rember no 1 will ever come between us k luv u gurl!!!!!!
no one ever lol laugh out loud
i have one friend in sixth grade she was talking about me today she is also mean to my other friend kadana im kim and cortney has been relly nice untill she meat julie. i wish we could be friend.
awwwwwww im so sorry i will always b there 4 yuo gurl
me too always there 4 you
i have one friend in sixth grade she was talking about me today she is also mean to my other friend kadana im kim and countny has been relly nice untill she meta julia. i wish we could be friaend .
Hey, this actually helped me alot by understanding a true friendship. This always happen to me which i feel very sad, everytime you going to step in a new group you will be like errr, *feel so left out when they are talking. You will feel whether will they acpect you as their friend or not. it reallly kills me when im into this mess. I wanna get into a good group of friends.
this has also helped me leana true friend ship
me 2 gurl i have been in the same sitiaion lol hope we could talk soom byee
me too hope your sutuwason is better