How to Talk to Your Daughter About Cyberbullying Now
Last week’s suicide of 15 year old Phoebe Prince in South Hadley, MA has communities around the country reeling. Phoebe didn’t just suffer taunts, mean looks and harassment at school. She was cyberbullied: tortured online and by phone.
Phoebe’s death – and an explosion in cyberbullying worldwide – are telegraphing an emergency message to schools and families: we must take action now. Yet the vast majority of schools decline to intervene with real consequences when cyberbullying incidents occur.
Why? Because, school officials say, it’s happening off school grounds. I understand the legal issues involved, but I get really angry when I hear this argument. Schools are terrific at using technology to connect classrooms to the moon via NASA and to students in other countries. Classrooms without borders are swell when they teach – but when students start dehumanizing each other using the very same technology, and it threatens their education and safety at school, well, we can’t go there.
Cyberbullying has intensified the experience of getting bullied by literally shattering the walls between school and home. There is no escape. As Parry Aftab has said, cyberbullying follows you everywhere: home, summer camp, to Grandma’s house.
Which means that kids are being suffocated and overwhelmed by an onslaught of abuse. They are unable to find refuge from the torment. Suicide, for some, may feel like the only way out.
Fact is, it’s not enough to say to a kid, “So don’t go online. Don’t pick up the phone.” Could you follow that advice? I sure couldn’t. Young people are passionate about their reputations. They’re also developmentally unable to understand that anything beyond their personal hell exists.
With a recent study showing that youth spend nearly every waking moment with a device in their hands, I want to share some of my advice to parents on how to talk with your child about cyberbullying and digital citizenship. If you haven’t had this conversation, or one like it, do not pass go. The time is now.
1. Begin with a discussion. Raise the issue by talking about what you’ve heard or read. “It seems like cyberbullying is becoming a big deal lately.” Mention Phoebe’s suicide. Ask your child what she’s seen.
2. Let her know you’re there if she’s in trouble, no matter what – even if she’s partly responsible for a situation. Assure her that you’ll keep a problem between you when you can, and that you’ll be open to discussing it if she doesn’t want you to intervene (never promise that you won’t intervene). Your bottom line: this is a serious issue, and if she’s in trouble, you don’t want her to be alone, no matter what.
3. Ensure her cell phone and computer have screen locks that are password protected. Find other preventative steps you can take to keep your child safe here.
4. Let her know your policy on cyberbullying. For example: “I want to make sure we’re both clear on some rules around your use of technology. I expect you to conduct yourself online the same way you do in real life. That means making sure you treat people with kindness and respect at all times.”
5. Talk about some examples of what breaking the rules might look like. Use some of what you heard in the opening discussion you had to get specific about what’s not okay. Make sure she understands she is expected to steer clear of the following behaviors: She is expected not to use another person’s cell phone or computer without his/her permission; to circulate embarrassing photographs or video about another person; to forward hurtful or embarrassing messages or media; to use anonymous or unrecognizable screen names to communicate; to use foul or abusive language that could embarrass or hurt others. You may want to create an ethical Internet use contract together. See a sample here.
6. Explain your stance. Don’t just say “no;” explain why. Use the conversation as an opportunity to talk about the values that are important to you and your family: respect, kindness, integrity, and compassion.
7. Let her know technology is a privilege. “Being able to have a phone or computer is no different from being able to drive a car. When you get your license, it’s because you’ve proven you’re mature enough to follow rules and take others into consideration. The same will be true for tech use. If you aren’t mature enough to act with respect, you will lose your access.”
8. Emphasize the positive: “I see you as a person with enormous kindness, integrity and respect for others. I expect you to be that same person when you’re using an electronic device.
It’s never too early to have this conversation. Talk to your kids about cyberbullying, and start talking to school officials about getting involved. South Hadley High School began every day last week with a moment of silence to remember Phoebe. Silence is the last thing we need on this issue. Let’s not let Phoebe die in vain.
9. Encourage empathy. Talk with your kids about what Phoebe may have been feeling when she was being bullied. Many are now identifying with Phoebe in death. By considering her experience before she died, kids can identify with her in life — and reflect on behaviors and situations they have real power to change.
[...] How to Talk to Your Daughter About Cyberbullying Now By Rachel Simmons | January 30th, 2010 | 19 comments [...]
Rachel,
I wanted to say thank you for this wonderful post. The information you provide is extremely useful. I have my own blog devoted to girls and have referenced your work several times, and in fact I referenced this post today in a post of my own! Thank you for all you do and keep up the good work.
Best wishes,
K
Thanks so much – glad it helped.
[...] in her PBS special, A Girl’s Life, has also written about cyber-bullying on her blog. In a recent post Rachel argues that cyber-bullying is new in that it is able to permeate the walls and boundaries [...]
[...] Rachel Simmons [...]
Thank you so much for this post, and for crafting clear steps that parents can take to look out for their kids – AND to hold their kids accountable. The accountability factor is almost always lacking in “prevention” or “awareness” measures to end violence/bullying. Without it, we can’t expect bystanders to become those who prevent violence.
I went to high school “like, a decade ago, right?” (according to my 18 y.o. intern), and freshman year my best friend was tortured. “Sleazy Slutano” was her nickname, because she was the incoming pretty girl who dated the cute guy. The girls pushed her down the stairs, and teased her in full view for our entertainment and fear. There were no cell phones- just psychological torture, hatred, lack of accountability, slut-shaming, and jockeying for power. My high school laughed when girls were raped passed out at parties, and called them sluts the morning after.”Mean Girls” a la Lindsey Lohan was a cakewalk.
These issues have very little to do w/technology. I commend you for addressing root causes, and wish that other initiatives would take note, and focus their energies on human behavior, RESPECT, friendship. Not cell phones.
Can you address the “pack” mentality? Normally decent girls who turn vicious when they are in groups? Our daughter was not raised to be a bully, but I know she has bullied and has been bullied herself. She seems to be growing out of it a bit now – I know much of that is developmental. Why are they one person with family and teachers, but turn into this mean girl when they gather in groups?
Hi Renee, that’s an excellent question and there is a lot to say – I talk a lot about it in Odd Girl Out. The short answer is that girls acting in groups give each other permission to break powerful social rules against the open expression of female anger. Also, the intense pressure to fit in and belong typically silences the consciences — and most of these girls do have them — of a good number of participating kids. Finally, kids learn from other kids – they see how power is organized at school, which kids get privileges and which are disenfranchised. These unwritten rules — and the behaviors which reinforce them — become normalized to many young eyes…and then imitated.
Hi Alyssa, I agree that taking away cell phones completely is not the answer. We live in a tech savvy world and need to know how to navigate it. It’s our present and the future. I do however challenge any student to explain why they NEED it in the classroom, or how it helps them learn. Why not turn it off for the period at least? To me it is similar to letter passing. 15 years ago you’d get the letter taken away. Only now you can pass “letters” through the walls to anywhere in the school. I also don’t feel that it is my job as a Visual Arts teacher to teach a unit on the ethics of cell phone use (although I do go over this briefly the first day of class).I could maybe teach students how to doctor poor cell phone photos in PhotoShop though…..yeah, bad idea.
I also believe that cellphones do not belong in school. Communication between families need to be improved. Make your afterschool plans so that you do not need to check in after school. If plans change, go to the school office and use the phone. Teachers should not need to wonder if the child is texting during class. I survived without a phone growing up.
My daughter has been cyberbullied many of times and it affects their learning for sure. One thing I learned is that if it does not happen during school hours, there is nothing that they can do. I would love to ban them in school.
In my opinion, cellphones should be a tool, not an addiction! Just watch a teen leaving school or some other place….especially if they are by themselves…always texting!
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Certainly, talk about this technology as soon as they are able to read and write well enough to use a device.
Young people are passionate about their reputations. They’re also developmentally unable to understand that anything beyond their personal hell exists.
Your tips for online/cell phone safety are great – hopefully teens will follow this advice and spare themselves and their friends unnecessary anguish.
You might want your readers to take a look at “Teen Cyberbullying Investigated” published this month by Free Spirit Publishing in Minneapolis. TCI presents real cases of teens in trouble at home, school and with the law for their online activities. Reading about the experiences of their peers might open their eyes to unintended consequences when blogging, posting, emailing, texting etc.
Reards,
Judge Tom.
Thanks, Tom — will do. Real cases are often much more compelling than lecturing. Thanks for your comment.
So?..Teachers are “expected” to monitor this type of behavior off school grounds….at home…at nite?…on weekends?….Are they being paid in addition to what they work during the school hours for this?..No?..Gee, reminds me of what the public demands of mental health therapists…monitor sick patients outside of your job and work hours…no, we wont pay you for that time either..no, you wont get paid if they dont show up for appointments at your office either..And then people wonder why there are such long waiting times for appointment from providers and kids wait up to 6 weeks for a hospital bed or appointment with a therapist….OH OH DUH DUH…You get what you pay for…Many of us retire and leave as quickly as we can from jobs like this..
Hi Stephanie — I recognize that teachers are overwhelmed. I want to clarify that I don’t mean that teachers are expected to monitor it. When I write about the need for school involvement, I’m thinking more about administrators — in particular, administrators being willing to take a stand and hold kids accountable for their actions. Despite the legal challenges that have resulted in some instances, an administrator who is willing to confront parents and set limits where legally possible is — to me — crucial in the fight against cyberbullying.
As a teacher I really wish administrators and parents would come together and ban cell phones in schools for students. I can only speak for my high school, where it seems nearly all students have one on their person. My personal policy and the school’s policy is to take them away if we see them in use during class. Then you come up against the fact that you are taking away an expensive device that many parents want them to have at all times now.Some parents get really mad. From my viewpoint the phones are interfering with my ability to teach and the students’ ability to learn. They could be using it to cheat, sending inappropriate photos or cyber-bullying, not to mention that they are tuned out from class using phones. There is NO NEED for them in school. I only graduated from high school myself in 2001, I survived without one. The parents of these kids all survived school without one…I just don’t get it. I feel for Pheobe’s tragedy and the fact that students have the ability to hurt kids like her right under my nose.
Taking away cellphones is not the answer. Cell phones and internet access will be available to kids for life – so denying them access to that now just hides the problem, creates a taboo. If kids do not learn how to properly use technology now, then they will not use it properly later on – in college, at work, etc. Of course I see that technology can be a distraction to learning, it can be a distraction later on in life as well. The reality is I grew up always having a cellphone and internet access in my life, therefore, I must learn how to use them properly (not using it for cyber bullying, not using them during class or when I am supposed to be working, etc). (I graduated high school in 2004).
I understand your worry that technology could be used for bullying and cheating – but technology is not the source of the problems, the problem is the bullying and the cheating itself! Take away the technology and you are not taking away the problem.
Cyber bullying is horrible – I was a victim myself. In high school some bullies made an “I hate Alyssa” Xanga (like myspace) page and printed it out and passed it out at school. It didn’t bother me too much because I realized that everyone else knew those boys were idiots and my parents taught me about resiliency. Technology in this case helped me end the bullying – the website provided a nice trial of undeniable evidence as to the culprits.
In the end taking away technology will not solve the problem. We need to focus on the root of the problem – the urge to bully itself, and possible solutions – such as teaching kids to respect one another, and teach possible victims how to be resilient and not let this stuff bother them.
Hi Alyssa and Carol….this is an important discussion. I totally feel Carol’s frustration as a teacher. I can see the value in keeping phones out of school just as a matter of policy, routine and habit — kind of like not allowing chewing gum or having a uniform or dress code. Yet Alyssa makes an undeniable point that the behaviors engaged in via technology are, at their root, behaviors that have long existed. Taking away the technology won’t make it go away. I still wonder if teachers are forced to deal with an additional layer of distraction when phones are at school. Personally, I would rather teachers spend their time — if they had it at all — working with kids on the behaviors rather than dealing with issues caused by phones in schools.
Well put Rachel. In my ideal world, instead of using valuable time and resources fighting technology, we would embrace it as part of our modern lives and teach children how to use it responsibly. I think this is part of your message.
Your outline on how to talk to your kids about this issue is great. I am just worried about the kid whose parents have little or no experience with technology – I doubt they will talk to their kid about this issue.