My Best Friend is My Bully
Hi Rachel,
There is a girl that I was best friends ever since kindergarten. Throughout our friendship I always felt that she would wait for a better offer to come along than me, and if it would, she would dump me. Finally last spring I told her that I didn’t want to be friends any more because I was sick of her treating me badly and I was done. Ever since then, she seems like she is out to get me. It’s like she doesn’t want me to have any friends since I told her I don’t want to be her friend anymore. Just a few days ago she tried to turn my really good friend against me by lying that I had told everyone about my really good friend’s parents divorce. I feel like she is purposefully going after this one really good friend and trying to be soooo nice to her. She is so sly I don’t think any one else sees it since she goes out of her way to be really really nice to them. She tells others that she is not trying to be mean to me.
She lies really well and denies everything that she does and blames it all on me. Every time I try to talk to someone new it’s like to tries to get to know them too and then turn them against me. It’s creepy and sick. I don’t know if I should confront her or just keep my distance. I don’t want to tell the school counselor about all of this because I’m afraid she’ll get even meaner and no one will see it. I don’t know what to do. I can’t take it any more. I really am very paranoid and mad about what she is going to do next to get at me. She is ruining school for me.
Bullied by best friend (this letter was shortened)
Dear Bullied,
Wow. You’ve got a real doozy on your hands. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to go to school every day and face her, not to mention the destruction she is wreaking. By the way, is this her yearbook picture?
Kidding.
Getting bullied by a best friend is more common than most people realize. Part of loving someone is being willing to put up with their bad sides. But some of us become, well, too tolerant. We relax our boundaries and allow people we love to make us feel small – because we love them, or we fear we can’t find someone better. We forgive and forget, or we try to. In these situations, losing the relationship feels more painful than staying in it.
There are a lot of girls who, like you, endure the controlling and degrading behavior for years before speaking up. So let’s start off by giving you huge props for actually walking. You set yourself free, and that’s no small thing.
But you obviously have another problem. You have a stalker. If she can’t have you, no one can. So far, you say you haven’t told an adult. I think you should. Even if your stalker does her denial thing, at least maybe she gets warned and watched. When you talk to the counselor, be very specific about what she’s doing. I’d even put it in writing. Don’t stop there, either; talk to the assistant principal, too. She’s the one usually responsible for disciplining, anyway. And if you can supply dates with your incident report, do it.
I also think you need to confront your ex-friend. If it were me, I’d probably say something like this (in person or on the phone, but not via text or chat): “I need you to stop talking to other people about me and interfering with my relationships. I respect the fact that you may be friends with some of the same people I am, but what happened between us is our business. I’m asking you to respect me by not bringing up my name and letting me move on.” You can practice with a parent or friend to make you feel more comfortable with the words.
Truth is, she’ll probably deny it and get defensive, but at least you’re saying your piece. Lastly, I’d identify two really close, trusted friends and ask them for your support right now. Put yourself out there and ask for help. That doesn’t mean asking them to trash your stalker behind her back. I’m talking about being there for you at school so you can feel secure and supported during this difficult time.
This is a tough situation, don’t get me wrong – especially if this girl has a lot of power. But if you’re strong enough to walk away from her, I have faith in you that you can step forward, set boundaries and speak your mind. Good luck.
I know what you mean, in 5th grade this kid named cody moved in right across the street from me and we became friends almost right away.We had been friends for over 2 years and always helped eachother when we needed it. But now he is relly mean and even told one of his best friends that he didn’t want to be friends anymore because I was friends with him!But what i would do is try to ignore it.
Yes. I totally understand what you are going through. I was going through the same thing, but it was a bit different. : It was 5th grade and this new girl Kim (not her real name :/) moved to my town from more north of my state. And she moved RIGHT across the street from me. IN my neighborhood. Which, at the time was awesome because we were friends. Since we went to the same school we rode our bikes home together, and she got really mean and unfriendly-just not the person that you would want to be around, be friends with. So it went back and forth bringing some of MY original friends into the “fight” and some of them belived what she had to say and others knew where i stood in the “fight” and stuck on my side. But the thing is with these kind of disputes is that in the end all of the girls in the grade are divided into 2 catigories-teams. My side and her side. But the fight went back and forth, through threats and fights and through the school Guidance counseler and the Vice Principal. Eventually, when 6th Grade rolled around we had forgiven each other but deffinatally not forgotten. We were friends and everything was going good, until my other friend Tina (again, not her real name) got into Kim and my Friendship. Basically, Tina used me and Kim as her punching bags, not litterally. But close, i remember one time, Tina had gone to Dunkin Donuts before school one day, and had gotten a vianilla iced whatever and she needed to fix her shoe or something and Kim was holding her books out infront of her like a table (but ofcorse not as big) and Tina put her drink on the books and Tina bent down to fix her shoe using Kim as balance and Kim didnt realize that tina was going to do that and the drink fell over on top of Tina. Then Tina and her friends got all up in Kims face and told her that she had to buy tina a new drink. And (if i was there at the time i would have stood up to those Bitches. . . excuse my french. . . But Kim got upset and long story shorter Kim and I got into an argument about what to do about the situation and I left the whole thing be because that is what Kim asked me to do, even though i shouldent have. But Tina is not going to be succesful in life if she acts that way. I dont know if i did the right thing in the Tina ssituation, but i do know that these problems wont matter in 5 years.
Same thing is happening with me i feel you pain
I’m having some probs w/ the girls at school. the school is kinda small and once your “in” a clique or group you are stuck there. and i somehow got in the popular girls group. and i HATE it. they are just plain mean and i guess thats how they stay popular. and there is a limited selections of who to hang out w/. and im thinking about changing schools because i feel like i have no TRUE friends. and there is this one girl who is my so called BFF but actually she is just mean. she is very competitive and when ever i see here she just happens to have a lovely cut down waiting for me. some days i just dont want to go to school anymore.
This once happened to me at a summer program. I got caught in the wrong group. It’s a terrible feeling because it looks like everyone else is happy in their group, and there are no doors open for you to leave yours. I understand your desire to change schools. Before you make that drastic move, can you think of one or two people in other groups that seem like good potential friends? Then, can you think of something you can do to spend more time with them — arrange a study date, strike up a conversation in the hallway, whatever? Sometimes, if you set small goals like that, instead of thinking about changing your friend group entirely, it can feel a bit more reasonable. You do deserve more, and you can have it – it’s up to you to decide which way to go. If you stay at your school, it will be harder, but you will grow and learn more — and not have to switch schools! These are life lessons, trust me – and they will serve you for a long time. Good luck!
I’m having the same problem. I’m in 8th grade and my suppose to be best friend starting hanging out with meaner girls and now she is bossy and mean. I didn’t do anything but she started a rumor about me something very personal that only she would know and when I confronted her about it she said she didn’t start it. I’m not stupid of course it was her – she was the only one who knew this! My mom tried to talk to her mom about this but her mom wouldn’t talk to my mom – she said the adults need to stay out of it. My mom agreed, but thought that what her daughter (my friend) did crossed the line. The other mom didn’t care. Now everyone at school is making fun of me and I have lost all my friends I had and its really horrible. Oh by the way, did I mention that this girl lives across the street from me and I have to see her not just in school but in my neighborhood!!!!
I am really sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you are going through a very ugly friend breakup. It probably doesn’t help to hear from me that girls do things like this all the time, but maybe it will help to know that almost every girl I know who HAS dealt with this has moved on to bigger and better things. I encourage you to focus on getting closer to one or two potential new friends — I know it feels like no one is out there, but I promise they are! Just be patient. Think of it like getting dumped by someone you’re dating and having to put yourself out there and “date” new people. Give it time, and in the meantime, do things for yourself that make you feel good. Hang in there!
Well, I would go tell a trusted adult and talk to them about it. I had the same thing happen to me. I believe it will work it’s self out. Good Luck. I hope this advice helps.
That happened to me. I’m so sorry that you have to go through that. So here’s my story:
One of my closest friends that I’ve been friends with for 2 years now started to be rude to everyone, and I had enough of it. It was hard at first but then everything started to cool down. About 2 months later the girl that I didn’t want to be friends with anymore apologized and I’ve been hanging out with her alot lately. She’s really changed and I’m glad for her. I reall hope things work out with you and you ex-bestfriend.
i know how you feel. im gong through the same thing except its more abusive than anythng. u see i have been friends with this girl ( her nickname = smirf) since third grade. we are now in 8th grade. recently we have been growing apart because she has been hangng with more of the sluttier teenage girls (exuse me for the laungage but i really dont know how else to put it). any way she has become more and more abusive to me. today she got mad and took it out on me. she slapped me across the face. in front of all our friends. my one friend didnt like it and started tellig her off. i could tell he wanted to hit her back just as much as i did. he’s like a 3rd father to me and very protective. i dont want to be friends wt her know more, but if i tell anyone then i know ill just get t worse because she is lke one of the popular ppl in school. wat should do?
I strongly encourage you to separate from this girl – anyone who is physically attacking you is not a friend. Hitting her back is not the answer. Think about this: is it worse to see what happens when you find another group or to put up with what you’re going through now? It might be worth taking a risk, because what you’re going through sounds like real suffering.
Wow, I am going through the same thing. How i handled the situation was I summed up the courage to face the girl and told her to back off and I didn’t show any anger when I said it. Just pray for the girl that she will realize what she is doing is not going to get her very far in life or her career.