Comments on: Lilly’s Blog: Why Is It So Hard for Girls to Say No?

By: bamboolabcode

bamboolabcode — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 11:04:05 +0000

Thank you for this information.

By: Ash

Ash — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 02:54:03 +0000

Lilly, great piece! I’m 30 years old and have just in the last couple of years or so re-learned how to say “no” to the little “favors” people ask of me.

A 2001 issue of “Ms.” magazine printed an article, “NO”, by Kiini Ibura Salaam. I’ve got to share it here. Just use the drop-down menu in the top right corner and select “No”. http://www.kiiniibura.com/essays/index.html

By: Rachel Simmons

Rachel Simmons — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 09:17:38 +0000

That’s so true (we love Nora!). I always tell girls to try, in a similar vein, to accept compliments with a “thank you” instead of trying to please the person who gave it by complimenting them or putting themselves down in reply.

By: Lilly

Lilly — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 02:36:48 +0000

Hi Alma,
I think “terminal guilt” is a great description for how many women feel because of the litany of demands they face. I’d like to take this idea a step further and propose that many of us feel intense shame, not guilt. As Rachel teaches at her summer program, The Girls Leadership Institute, guilt is related to something one does or, in this case, does not do. Shame is related to who one is.
For an example, a child may feel guilty because she stole a cookie or she may feel ashamed for being a thief. I too feel very badly about turning assignments in to a teacher late. Unfortunately, I often feel ashamed of who I am (a chronic procrastinator) instead of feeling guilty for what I’ve done. It is much easier to forgive yourself for not meeting people’s expectations when you believe your actions, and not who you intrinsically are, are to blame.
Thank you for reading and for sharing your perspective!
Lilly

By: Alma

Alma — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 00:58:10 +0000

Thanks for this. This was an extremely thoughtful and lovely post. I’m 21 and have just now started really seriously thinking about this issue in my life, an issue that can be sufficiently described with two words: terminal guilt. The constant guilt-trips, the anxiety attacks about late assignments at school, missed appointments, realizing too late that I’m completely overwhelmed by everyone’s demands that I’d agreed to take on, the feeling that I’m always letting people horribly down just by following my own desires and pleasures…it’s just too much. I refuse to do it anymore. Thank god for feminism so that we can become aware of these things and engage with them in a liberating way. It’s only now that I’m finally distancing myself from other people, the unrelenting expectations from family, friends, work and college, and deciding what I want to with my own time, and how I want to do it. Anyway, thanks again, and good luck on your own journey, it seems like you’re on a great path.

By: unnamed

unnamed — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:47:34 +0000

Yes– females, racial minorities, people low in social economic status, obviously just a giant bunch of whiners who could make an easier life for themselves if they would just take some accountability.In fact it’s so simple it makes you wonder why people haven’t already done it. It’s just THAT easy. Those Black slaves? Yeah, sure they could have been literate if they had only stopped blaming society for their problems…

Personal accountability is not so much relevant here as personal opportunity. I am willing to grant that there are many people looking for any excuse to avoid taking responsibility for their own misgivings and mistakes, and the scapegoat for these problems is often society at large. But suggesting that everyone has equal opportunities in that ever elusive entity we label “society” is ignorant.

Lilly’s point is not that all women who feel similarly should mope about in a giant self-pity fest; she is highlighting an issue in order to promote change for the better. She’s doing what she can to see that we DO “help ourselves” out of whatever situation we no longer wish to be in. Debating the origins of those situations is all part of coming up with a solution.

By: Helena

Helena — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 04:43:26 +0000

For those of you who were socialized to never refuse anyone and were punished for it, I apologize if you’re sick of hearing it, but I am so sorry. It shakes me to my core and scares the hell out. I’ve read the same story so many times over but it still shocks me.

To the teacher who called a “proud young mother” on a huge and what is unfortunately a common gap many, many parents don’t consider–thank you.

I suppose adults don’t think that far (weak excuse, of course…one on a long series of things I wish parents or schools were required to teach their kids–the right to say “no” because that your body is yours), that they fail to consider exactly the road they’re setting their kids on, especially their girls. They never anticipate that that perfectly obedient child may encounter someone who abuses their authority, power or trust.

There MUST be a way to teach children “obedience” (or rather, a mindset that allows them to negotiate friendship, family life, and the capacity to interact with other people civilly) and trust, without silencing the idea that they have the right to say “no”, to think for themselves, to refuse someone who asks them to do something unreasonable, dangerous, or unfair.

Also, kudos to the author of this piece.

By: donde

donde — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:40:23 +0000

Why do females always blame their own shortcomings on society? It really is a sight to behold. I’m used to the females blaming their own vanity on men but now here the chick is blaming her slineless on society too. Exactly what will it take for females to ever take accountability? You’re not exactly helping yourselves here.

By: Rhiannon

Rhiannon — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 19:53:12 +0000

Add me to that group. My father was very stern about the whole “DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME NO!” thing. So when I was molested – saying no didn’t occur to me until much later. Even then when I tried it I got the whole “I’ll tell your parents you were bad” line. Ugh.

That’s why I don’t yell at my daughter when she tells me no. I talk to her about it.

By: delagar

delagar — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 19:35:35 +0000

“I’ve been told from birth it’s OK to say no.”
Well, yes, sally, then I imagine for you it’s not hard to say no.

OTOH, where I live & teach (Fort Smith, Arkansas), I have young mothers writing me proud essays about their parenting skills, and how they are raising their children “right.” One specific example a woman gave me was that her daughter was never allowed to say no to an adult. “Never?” I asked her.

“Of course not,” she said. “Obedience is essential.”

“So suppose an adult comes up to her at a playground and says get in my van. She can’t say no?”

She stared at me. “Well,” she said. “Well. I’ll have to think about that.”