Lilly’s Blog: Why Is It So Hard for Girls to Say No?
Sometimes, the significance of a book lingers long after you have forgotten about the characters or even the plot. I read Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine when I was eight years old, and ten years later, I still think about it.
Ella is given the “gift” of obedience by a fairy at birth. Consequently, she is forced to obey any orders she is given. The book follows Ella as she tries to track down the fairy who cursed her. In 2004, Miramax adapted the book into a film starring Anne Hathaway. Ella Enchanted may be a fairy tale, but the idea of girls being cursed with the inability to ignore requests is pure nonfiction.
Ella’s curse is one that Good Girls suffer from. Many girls, including myself, have trouble refusing to do what is asked of them, even when the task is unreasonable. Perhaps we do this because saying ‘no’ may make us unlikable, and Good Girls are supposed to be loved by everyone.
I recently asked a friend if she would mind driving me to my internship after school because…well, because I’m lazy. I let Katie know that she did not have to drive me and that I could awkwardly walk/run and only be a few minutes late. She said it would be no problem, but as she was driving me she seemed distraught and hurried.
When I asked Katie if she was okay, she confessed that she was supposed to be finishing a quiz at that very moment. Don’t get me wrong, I usually enjoy being considered more important than Middle Eastern history, but I felt horrible.
Because friendships between teenage girls are often so fragile, some girls go above and beyond the call of duty as a friend in hopes of being able to “cash-in” the favors they have done for friends when the going gets tough.
I hate to think that Katie believes our friendship is so tenuous that she needed to help me in order to “trap” me (after all, only a real jerk friend-dumps someone who drives them to work). It is even more painful to imagine that she thought I would be mad at her if she didn’t do this favor for me. Like Ella, she was unable to refuse my plea.
My most embarrassing Ella moment began this summer when a teacher asked if I could edit a curriculum a group of students wrote for the club I used to run. I stepped down as head of the program in order to pursue other projects (among them, blogging and international superstardom) and I was busy. Yet I said I would edit the curriculum.
Turns out, more editing was needed than I expected, and the curriculum was long enough to make War and Peace look like a pamphlet. I did hours of work before I realized I had no business editing a curriculum for a program I was no longer involved in with time I did not have to spare.
It was very hard for me to call the teacher and explain to her that I could not edit the curriculum. I told her that I appreciated being trusted with such an important job, but that I had previous commitments and was unable to spend as much time editing as I would like to. She was very understanding and I was glad to be unburdened.
I guess, on some level, I wanted her to like me, and maybe that’s why I initially responded to her request as Ella would. But another reason I, and girls in general, take on extra tasks is because we believe fixing other peoples’ problems is what Good Girls do. For more information about the pressure girls feel to do it all, read my recent blog about asking for extensions on assignments.
I think my female peers’ instinct to do for others what they can is an amazing trait. I am consistently surprised by how willing my friends are to do little, unnecessary favors for others “just because.” But Ella’s condition is also a curse. When we do things for the wrong reasons (to secure a relationship or because we think we should be busy) we miss out on the joy of helping someone or the satisfaction of finishing a project. So to all the “Ellas” out there, here’s a new request for you. Do favors for your friends, teachers and family because you want to, not because you feel like you should.
Thank you for this information.
Lilly, great piece! I’m 30 years old and have just in the last couple of years or so re-learned how to say “no” to the little “favors” people ask of me.
A 2001 issue of “Ms.” magazine printed an article, “NO”, by Kiini Ibura Salaam. I’ve got to share it here. Just use the drop-down menu in the top right corner and select “No”. http://www.kiiniibura.com/essays/index.html
Thanks for this. This was an extremely thoughtful and lovely post. I’m 21 and have just now started really seriously thinking about this issue in my life, an issue that can be sufficiently described with two words: terminal guilt. The constant guilt-trips, the anxiety attacks about late assignments at school, missed appointments, realizing too late that I’m completely overwhelmed by everyone’s demands that I’d agreed to take on, the feeling that I’m always letting people horribly down just by following my own desires and pleasures…it’s just too much. I refuse to do it anymore. Thank god for feminism so that we can become aware of these things and engage with them in a liberating way. It’s only now that I’m finally distancing myself from other people, the unrelenting expectations from family, friends, work and college, and deciding what I want to with my own time, and how I want to do it. Anyway, thanks again, and good luck on your own journey, it seems like you’re on a great path.
Hi Alma,
I think “terminal guilt” is a great description for how many women feel because of the litany of demands they face. I’d like to take this idea a step further and propose that many of us feel intense shame, not guilt. As Rachel teaches at her summer program, The Girls Leadership Institute, guilt is related to something one does or, in this case, does not do. Shame is related to who one is.
For an example, a child may feel guilty because she stole a cookie or she may feel ashamed for being a thief. I too feel very badly about turning assignments in to a teacher late. Unfortunately, I often feel ashamed of who I am (a chronic procrastinator) instead of feeling guilty for what I’ve done. It is much easier to forgive yourself for not meeting people’s expectations when you believe your actions, and not who you intrinsically are, are to blame.
Thank you for reading and for sharing your perspective!
Lilly
For those of you who were socialized to never refuse anyone and were punished for it, I apologize if you’re sick of hearing it, but I am so sorry. It shakes me to my core and scares the hell out. I’ve read the same story so many times over but it still shocks me.
To the teacher who called a “proud young mother” on a huge and what is unfortunately a common gap many, many parents don’t consider–thank you.
I suppose adults don’t think that far (weak excuse, of course…one on a long series of things I wish parents or schools were required to teach their kids–the right to say “no” because that your body is yours), that they fail to consider exactly the road they’re setting their kids on, especially their girls. They never anticipate that that perfectly obedient child may encounter someone who abuses their authority, power or trust.
There MUST be a way to teach children “obedience” (or rather, a mindset that allows them to negotiate friendship, family life, and the capacity to interact with other people civilly) and trust, without silencing the idea that they have the right to say “no”, to think for themselves, to refuse someone who asks them to do something unreasonable, dangerous, or unfair.
Also, kudos to the author of this piece.
Why do females always blame their own shortcomings on society? It really is a sight to behold. I’m used to the females blaming their own vanity on men but now here the chick is blaming her slineless on society too. Exactly what will it take for females to ever take accountability? You’re not exactly helping yourselves here.
Yes– females, racial minorities, people low in social economic status, obviously just a giant bunch of whiners who could make an easier life for themselves if they would just take some accountability.In fact it’s so simple it makes you wonder why people haven’t already done it. It’s just THAT easy. Those Black slaves? Yeah, sure they could have been literate if they had only stopped blaming society for their problems…
Personal accountability is not so much relevant here as personal opportunity. I am willing to grant that there are many people looking for any excuse to avoid taking responsibility for their own misgivings and mistakes, and the scapegoat for these problems is often society at large. But suggesting that everyone has equal opportunities in that ever elusive entity we label “society” is ignorant.
Lilly’s point is not that all women who feel similarly should mope about in a giant self-pity fest; she is highlighting an issue in order to promote change for the better. She’s doing what she can to see that we DO “help ourselves” out of whatever situation we no longer wish to be in. Debating the origins of those situations is all part of coming up with a solution.
Thanks for this very thoughtful post. When I read it, I thought of a great section of Nora Ephron’s book Heartburn, in which she points out that good girls grow up thinking that the correct response to the words. “I love you” are “I love you too” – i.e., saying what we think people want to hear. I will be fifty this year and still struggle with this every day, at work and in relationships. How great that a thoughtful, self-aware teenager is starting her adult life with this consciousness!
That’s so true (we love Nora!). I always tell girls to try, in a similar vein, to accept compliments with a “thank you” instead of trying to please the person who gave it by complimenting them or putting themselves down in reply.
I have the same experience, but for me, it’s more contextual. If a parent or teacher tells me to do something, you better believe I’m going to shut up and do it with a smile. But if it’s a favor from a friend, it’s a lot easier to say “sorry, no, can’t do that.” My default is still ‘yes,’ though. I feel like the ‘punishment’ isn’t as bad from friends/peers as opposed to authority figures.
You’ve got some points Lilly. I, at 19, still feel like at any moment that I’m going to explode from anger.
“I am mad as hell and I am not gonna take it anymore! I am a lesbian feminist and proud of it! I despise “heart warming” christmas specials and everything they represent! I will move out of this awful town (I live in Bakersfield, CA) and live my own life as I please! I will not be expected to spend my prime years reproducing like mad and married to a man I can’t stand. I will not participate in your fat talk, I won’t be contributing to generations of sexual and emotional repression! I won’t conform to your neanderthal idea of a perfect family! I will make it BIG as a cartoonist, voice actress, disney fairy tale writer, and a big hearted person! I will make my family with Rachel Maddow and her partner, and I won’t keep my legs together and I will enjoy it! Stick this up all your asses!!!!!”
If only life was like the movies
I was taught from birth to never say no. As a child, every no was met with a spanking. Even obeying with an unhappy attitude was punished. All adults were to be respected and saying no to any adult was unacceptable. Predictably, this meant that when I was eventually molested by an authority figure I couldn’t even begin to say no. As an adult I still struggle with saying no to others.
This sounds like my childhood. My parents’ discipline and my mother’s example taught me that saying no is unacceptable. I learned from my peers and the mass media that women who say no are bitches or shrews and that no one likes those women. At 21, I still have difficulty saying no.
Add me to that group. My father was very stern about the whole “DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME NO!” thing. So when I was molested – saying no didn’t occur to me until much later. Even then when I tried it I got the whole “I’ll tell your parents you were bad” line. Ugh.
That’s why I don’t yell at my daughter when she tells me no. I talk to her about it.
Lilly, I think you are right on. It’s something a lot of women struggle with, even if SOME women (including those who are claiming there is no social pressure) do not.
You are lucky to have realized this so early in life. Kudos!
This is no longer an issue of social conditioning. This idea is perhaps inadvertently passed on, but it is not blatant and it is not expected. The issue of being unable to say no is a matter of personal weakness. Blaming it on societal expectations doesn’t make you any less responsible for your own actions.
Not to say I am not disgusted by some of the things women and humans in general are conditioned to believe, I just don’t believe that this issue of trying to please everyone is gender-specific or insidious.
Maybe this is not an issue for you, Kavla, but it is for a lot of women. I work in rape prevention and education and with survivors and there are many reasons women can’t say no in our culture. Some have to do with conditioning, but a lot of them have to also do with the fact that if women stand up for themselves they’re seen by many as “bitches” or “shrews.” Women are still expected to always be nice in our culture and face a serious double standard.
Well put, Lauren. I don’t know your sociology or anthropology background, Kavla, but I don’t think it’s productive to ignore societal pressures in the name of personal responsibility. Although people are ultimately responsible for the choices they make, dismissing the forces that shape their behavior is missing a huge piece of the puzzle.
I still have a tremendously hard time saying no, and I’m 32. I want to be liked. I want to be thought of as helpful and, yes, good. Being a “caretaker” is a Jungian archetype that has been seen as one of the ideals for women since, well, at least since the Victorian Era in Anglo culture. Self-sacrificing angels of the houses, we. But I’ve learned that people expect no more than they hear it from folks like us, and usually have no judgment of it. It’s okay to say no. It just takes time to learn it.
Great piece, btw.
It’s not hard to say no. I’ve been told from birth it’s OK to say no. “Do you want this?” “No!”
Up to “No, I do not want to have sex with you.”
It’s not hard.
Say no when you want to say no. Or, really, say, “No, thank you.”
“I’ve been told from birth it’s OK to say no.”
Well, yes, sally, then I imagine for you it’s not hard to say no.
OTOH, where I live & teach (Fort Smith, Arkansas), I have young mothers writing me proud essays about their parenting skills, and how they are raising their children “right.” One specific example a woman gave me was that her daughter was never allowed to say no to an adult. “Never?” I asked her.
“Of course not,” she said. “Obedience is essential.”
“So suppose an adult comes up to her at a playground and says get in my van. She can’t say no?”
She stared at me. “Well,” she said. “Well. I’ll have to think about that.”
I hadn’t thought of this as something that more women had trouble with. I’ve always struggled with this. As soon as someone says ‘I have a favor to ask,’ I’m already agreeing to it. A few seconds after, I realize that not only do I not want to do it, I also don’t have the time. After reading this article, I think that I am conditioned to try my best to please.
Joana,
I’m really happy this blog helped you understand you’re not alone in wanting to make everyone around you happy. Being conditioned to please, as you put it, is not necessarily bad thing. We can thank this “conditioning” for, among other things, good manners and common courtesy. But you and I both know that the desire to please is a question of quality versus quantity. It is often hard to remember that it is better to do one thing for a friend really well instead of trying to do favors for everyone and, inevitably, falling short.
Thanks for reading,
Lilly