You’re Just Not That Into Her Anymore: BFF Breakups
Dear Rachel,
My friend and I have been best friends for about 5 years now….The problem is, I feel like I’ve matured over the years and…she has not. Also, we keep having arguments over so many different things. We always disagree and she ends up basically screaming at me and blaming me for being a bad friend. Another thing is, she constantly acts clueless when I talk to her about something she should know. It is honestly frustrating. I don’t know how to deal with it… I don’t know what to do because if I bring it up to her, she’ll yell at me or say she doesn’t know what I’m talking about….I’m stuck. I don’t where to turn anymore. PLEASE HELP. –Lidiya
Hey Lidiya,
Can I ask you a question? If this story was about someone you were dating, would you be even asking me for advice? Probably not. You’d know you should break up with that person. Clearly, the same is called for here.
You’re obviously so over this friend. That’s okay! It’s not like you signed a contract to be BFF. There are just not that many people we end up being that second “F” with. Friends grow apart, just like you guys did. But a lot of girls really believe in that “F,” and they think something is wrong, either with them or in general, if their friendships start to fall apart. Trust me: It’s totally normal, and just like a dating relationship, you’re going to have to break it off.
So how do you do it? My three rules to break up with a BFF without being cruel:
1. Make sure your decision’s permanent. You can’t change your mind next week, or pretend like nothing happened at random moments. Because that’s nasty.
2. Don’t talk about it with your friends. Let them know it’s over, but don’t get into it at length. Your ex will totally hear about it or get weird looks from other girls and feel horrible.
3. Do it the way you’d want it done to you. There are no easy break up speeches, but you’ll be classier and more humane if you put yourself in her shoes.
Here’s the deal: You will not actually be BFF – I mean, that second F – with at least 90% of the people you designate as a BFF. You will be BF. And sometimes – most of the time – you will outgrow that person. It’s really not different from dating. So don’t beat yourself up about it. Pretending to like someone when you don’t is painful for all involved. Just be respectful and be real, and you can both move on to find that new BFF. I mean, BF.
One more thing I might add would be to leave her alone and she will probably realize that you were the only friend that they could get along with.
Not bad advice — sometimes backing off can be very attractive to people — but, even if someone comes back, they may not change their ways. This friend sounds like bad news bears and I really hope Lidiya got to move on to someone who will treat her right.
Hey I’m just coming across your page now, and it’s amazing how similar of a situation I am currently in. A friend of mine and myself have been friends since grade 8. She is an only child with limited friends and is pretty much a home-body and still loves girl nights and playing board games at parties. At the age of 23 I have very different likes, having gone to university for 4 years and “getting out of this town” and then eventually back in for a full-time job – it astonishes me how little she has changed, after everything I’ve witnessed and experienced simply through travel and school…
I can understand how intense it would be to break up with a BFF because I just have never thought of it – I avoid her at most times and leave our meetings to lunches out and short stop ins. I’ve reconnected with a friend over the years who I find I’m closer to, I know this bugs her because she’s mentioned it – and I’ve just pointed out that my interests have changed and my second friend is more outgoing…
Rachel you’re suggestions are fantastic – and though I don’t think I’m brave enough to ‘dump’ my ex-best friend, I do agree relationships often fall apart, and I’ve just vowed to avoid “leading her on”
Great point, Rebecca! Thanks for adding that.
I’d just add to this great post a simple idea: be kind. Even after this breakup, on a level, be friendly. Unlike most dating relationships, at the end of any friendship is the possibility of another, different kind of friendship in the future. So even though this bff friendship may be over, leave room for the acquaintance-kind of friendship that you’ll always be glad to have in the years to come. You’ve had great times, great memories, and remaining friendly can keep those ties in tact, even without the bff status. You go girl!