Lilly’s Blog: Sounding Off on ‘That’s What She Said’ Jokes
“That’s what she said” (TWSS) jokes are emblematic of our culture’s fascination with female sexuality. TWSS jokes make innocent comments seem sexual by suggesting that any given statement was said by a female while engaged in a sexual activity. When someone responds to a statement with “that’s what she said,” they emphasize even the slightest sexual connotation of the statement. For an example, look no further than the TV show that popularized the phenomenon, The Office. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve heard some very funny TWSS jokes in my day, and many that made me cringe. I don’t think that TWSS jokes are particularly offensive or troublesome. Instead, I see them as a four word summary of four lessons society teaches us about women and sex.
- Be Sexy but Virginal.
It is no accident that we talk about what she said. There is nothing exciting or novel about the notion that to be a male, an adolescent male in particular, is to want to have sex. There is nothing newsworthy about males being sexually active because males are trusted with their bodies and sexuality. Guys who have sex are congratulated. We only talk about half of the equation, the female involved, because, although the resounding majority of messages towards girls tell them to be sexy, they are still expected to be virginal. Girls who choose to have sex are criticized, berated, and scrutinized. Yet everyone hopes they will “strike” again so there is something to talk about. But the idea that there are actual, real, talking females involved in sex, well that’s interesting.
- He’s The Boss.
TWSS jokes don’t express female enjoyment of sexuality. Instead, TWSS jokes focus on “her” surprise, naiveté, and vulnerability. America loves to think girls don’t know anything about sex; just ask Jessica Valenti, the author of The Purity Myth. TWSS jokes aren’t about sex as an expression of love and commitment between two people. Most, if not all, TWSS jokes are about the guy’s sexual expertise and physical…endowment. These jokes reiterate lessons young men are taught: that they must impress their partner with their sheer masculinity, and that size does matter, if you know what I mean. Perhaps the most troublesome message is that TWSS jokes always portray girls as passive and submissive. What she says to him is never an articulation of her love, her pleasure or her desires. As much as our culture obsesses over female sexuality, the actual act of sex is about his experience. His pleasure is paramount and girls are there to please, not to enjoy.
- Guys Who Treat Girls Like Sexual Exploits Are Cool.
When I think about a guy saying “that’s what she said,” I picture jocks high-fiving in the locker room. I know that picture is a cliché, but there is an undeniable locker room quality about TWSS jokes. Remember that god-awful movie, John Tucker Must Die? There is a scene in the boys’ locker room where John tells his friends, “Let’s just say at tonight’s away game, I’ll be scoring more than baskets!” It is considered natural, macho behavior for guys to discuss girls as “exploits.” But, although girls must act and look sexy, girls are never supposed to talk or even think about sex. We don’t hear what he said because we are taught that girls don’t discuss sex. And no one jokes about homosexual sex. Jokes about homosexuality might make people uncomfortable. Instead we joke about what a girl says about her sexual partner’s penis because that’s never awkward.
- Yuck!
Some of the best, and the worst, TWSS jokes have one thing in common. They’re gross! As previously stated, TWSS jokes emphasize the gross mechanics of sex and not the relationship between the two people. The pornographic tone of many TWSS jokes serve as a reminder to girls that sex is shameful. I don’t personally believe TWSS jokes need to be removed from our collective toolbox of humor. TWSS jokes are the new Crocs. Currently they’re considered cool, commonplace and humorous; like Crocs, their moment will pass. Until then TWSS jokes are food for thought and help us conceptualize society’s love/hate relationship with female sexuality.
Lilly is a high school senior and guest blogger for RachelSimmons.com. Read more about her here.
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The more I read it, the more it impresses me. I don’t know how I ever worked without hilarious and funny things in our life, Life would be so much easier especially when there’s a jokes here and there. Being funny is nice because a lot of serious people are lacking with this kind of behavior that is why they are much look older. I would like to thank you for your outstanding blog post. Keep it up! Awesome!
This post is very interesting and relates well to teenagers every day lives. At my school, last year “That’s What She Said” Jokes were very popular and became the norm. Before this kids would go around and say “Ur Mom”, “Hut No”, “Salt”, “Eehh”, and many others graced the hallways. Eehh is probably the most popular followed by “That or Your So GAY”, and thankfully TWSS is starting to finally die off. It is unfair that the society we live in today, favors males and still tends to lead to male domination. Guys just like in John Tucker Must Die, still go around and high five their buddies when discussing their many conquests. I have seen this happen many times and am disgusted to the core. However, if a girlfriend of mine discusses something shes done, another friend will turn around and in less than five minutes call her a slut, ho or something else that is mean and hurtful. This problem will never completely die off since girls have developed the idea that they can say whatever they want to their friend and mask it with “I Love You.” A common example would be, “your such a slut, but I still love you”, the girl saying this thinks its ok since she said that I love you and is basically implying to her friend, I really think this, but its ok how I said it since I still said I love you. Lily, do you think this trend of girl on girl mean interaction will ever pass??
Sydney,
Your question is very important and very hard to answer. The short answer is yes. I think that eventually girls will stop saying things along the lines of, ‘I hope you die in a hole. Love you!’ I think the girls who use this trick will stop only because any day now someone will come up with another way to be mean. While the specific trend may pass, I doubt the underlying issues will be resolved any time soon. You’re on to something big here. I think there are three root issues behind this “Hate you, love you” trend.
1)Most girls live in environments that teach them to be constantly nice. Subsequently, when they inevitably express anger they must immediately repair their Nice Girl reputation by saying something nice.
2)Friendships are extremely important to girls. A girl who is mad at a friend may say one awful remark coupled with a compliment because that is easier, and less complicated, then actually unpacking a friendship’s emotional baggage. It is scary to truly express your frustration with a friend because a fight can put a friendship on hold for a long time.
3)“In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.” That is a line from The Importance of Being Earnest, a wonderful play by Oscar Wilde. And the sentiment applies to this situation. It doesn’t matter how much being called a slut hurts, the injured party is expected to accept any half-hearted attempts made by the bully to alleviate the cruelty of the comment. Girls who accept insincere apologies teach those around them that they can get away with being mean.
Unfortunately, I think these root causes of the disturbing trend you addressed are here to stay.
Great post! You’ve articulated many of the “uh-uh” feelings I’ve had when hearing this supposedly “harmless” joke. Great job!
This is particularly pertinent because the Hardy Girls Healthy Women team are querying a girl-driven voting effort to ‘name their upcoming girl power campaign’ —this phrase is one of their more provocative choices in an attempt to respin the message. As you can see, it’s already started some controversy…Maybe you could weigh in on their blog and lend them a hand with your context and ‘girl take’ on this? Here’s their post. Your thoughts?
http://hghw.blogspot.com/2009/10/help-name-this-campaign.html
Amy,
I am torn between two reactions I had to the Hardy Girl’s proposal to use “That’s What She Said” in their campaign. I think it is a very clever use of a popular phrase. After all, their efforts will give girls a voice. Using That’s What She Said as the campaign name could convey an appealing tongue-in-cheek, light-hearted tone. On the one hand, I appreciate and chuckle at the idea of the use of TWSS. But I do not believe in “reclaiming” negative words or phrases. The intended connotations of reclaimed phrases are often outweighed by the better known, offensive meanings. One enters dangerous territory when one assumes that others understand the phrase has been “redefined.” I’d encourage the Hardy Girls to create a variation of TWSS. A name like “That’s What She Says” or “This is What She Said” has the humorous reference yet the unique phrasing distances the campaign from the offensive joke.
I hope this helps!